When Those Sad Eyes Close

She was breaking. Pieces of her had started to crumble years ago, jagged edges that were too broken to put back together, to glue back on like nothing had ever happened. Her emotions controlled her being, pain and desperation crippling her will to live, her hope. She was years past tears, her eyes dried and exhausted from previous floods, waterfalls that cascaded down her cheeks, taking parts of her with them.

"Follow your heart", he said.
Your heart will take you there.

In the beginning she was very good at hiding it, at pulling out her perfected fa├žade to get through the day. But as weeks went by it became too big to bear herself, too powerful to control. By then it was too late. They tried their hardest to help her, trying to break through the wall she built around herself to reach her. They tried to catch her, but she slipped right through their fingers, grains of sand carried far away by the wind.

"Swallow your pride", he said.
For pride is anything but rare.

She was falling. She tried to steady herself, to set both feet on the ground and stand up straight, but she couldn't see clearly, and the ground beneath her spun faster and faster out of control. She buried herself further inside her head, trying desperately to save herself, but that only made her fall faster.

So I walked into your eyes without a raincoat on

She couldn't see light or darkness anymore, her world blanketed in shades of grey, and she broke trying to find what was different and what was the same. She wouldn't accept that she couldn't do it anymore, that she couldn't tell the difference between opposites, what was logical and illogical, what was right and what was wrong.

What was real and what was wasn't.

And in the salty sea, I find you're all but gone.

She loathed them for looking at her like she was dying, but she might as well have been anyway. Her body suffered from her emotional pain, weight falling off her too fast for her to control, her skin paling to a ghostly white. Her hair became stringy and thin, strands coming out as she raked her bony fingers through them. Most of the time she felt too weak to move, too tired to pull herself through her life.

But it wasn't even her life anymore. She had no control over anything. She was losing everything; her friends, her family, her life.

Herself.

Take my hand, you're treading water
And I feel sand slipping away from underneath my toes
Nobody knows
Where is it she goes?

But she clung to him as tightly as she could. He was there on the days she stayed in bed all day, the days they thought she was never going to wake up. And he was her release, her one thing that she had not lost yet. He was the last grip she had on her life, and she knew that once that grip was gone, she would be too.

She was wrong, though. He wasn't a grip, she didn't have any grip left even though she wished with all her heart that she did. She was just bringing him down with her, falling with him trailing behind.

Looked in the bathroom stall
Your back against the wall.

He never wanted to fall with her, though, but he didn't want her to fall either. He wanted to catch her, to save her, to be the one who colored in the shades of grey and broke the brick walls. He wanted to be the one who untangled her from herself, who opened her eyes to what she almost lost.

She didn't know if what they did was out of love for still having each other or fear of losing each other. It started as love, but as it dragged on, as she became more desperate, needed more, needed him all the time, love got buried under the wreckage of broken hearts and shattered souls.

Cold tiles beneath your knees,
Your body broke your fall.

It took her a while for her to realize that he could not catch her, that he was just there to give her what she wanted, to offer her comfort and wipe her tears. She began to realize that every time she gave herself to him, she fell faster, and the wall grew bigger, and she pushed him away even more.

Spitting into your own reflection gazing back
Inside your porcelain fists, your palms begin to crack.

He wanted to be the one to catch her, but he knew he couldn't, and that's when he gave up on saving her and settled for pleasing her. But she couldn't bear it. She never wanted to hurt him. She wouldn't bring anyone down with her, especially him.

So take my hand you're treading water
And I feel sand slipping away from underneath our toes
Nobody knows
Where is it she goes?
When those sad eyes start to close

And without him she fell alone, walls crumbling and light dimming and she could see nothing but the world blurring around her. She wasn't living anymore, and eventually, they all gave up on her, letting her waste away and waiting for her to die.

Nobody knows
Where is it she goes?

She didn't blame them though. She knew best that there was only so many times you could cut yourself trying to fix your broken heart before it hurt too much to keep on trying. So she fell, faster, harder, and no one would be there once she hit the ground.

When those sad eyes close