Sitting at the train station always makes me think of you.
I remember when we were five, and every Saturday, my mom would take us on the train to the city. We'd spend an hour playing cards, brushing each others hair, and dressing up our Barbie's. Mom would take us to the shopping center, and we'd each be able to buy one thing; usually, it was new clothes for our dolls. On special days, she'd let us go to the second floor of the department store, where the childrens' clothes section was.
Searching through the racks for the perfect outfit was our favorite thing to do. Whenever we had a chance to go there, we're buy matching shirts, or jeans, or dresses. We were inseparable in everything, even our clothes.
I miss those days, when you were like the other half of my soul. "Best friends forever, okay?" you always used to make me promise.
I guess my feeling for you started to change around grade six. You started noticing the boys, and had crushes, but all I was interested in was you. I figured it was just because we were best friends though, nothing more. I still remember crying in grade seven, when you told me we couldn't go to the city that Saturday, because you had a date with Johnny. I think that's when I realized I loved you.
All through middle school, you were the more important person in my life. We'd get our moms to make sure we were in the same class, and always sit together at lunch… It was hard for me to even imagine a life without you in it. I guess you felt the same way, but not for the same reason. You'd always ask why I was interested in going on double dates with you, but I just blushed and said I was too shy to go on a date.
In grade eight, you were dating Sean. I was heartbroken, as more and more of your time was devoted to him. When his friend Eric asked me to go out with him, I automatically agreed, and said we should double date with you and Sean. Not because I was interested in Eric, certainly not. It was because I wanted to be with you again.
During the movie, Sean held your hand, and I did everything in my power not to punch him and take your hand myself. I figured it wasn't exactly appropriate. Eric kept trying to take mine, but I busied myself with my pull-n-peel twizzlers. When we went to kiss me at the end of the night, I backed away, shook his hand, and walked into my house before the tears had a chance to escape my eyes. Seeing you and Sean so close made me sick to my core.
Then there was the summer between eight and nine, the summer before our first year of high school. I plucked up all my courage, and asked you to spend the night. I suppose that wasn't what took courage; you'd always spend the night at my house. What took courage was letting you know how I felt.
I remember suggesting we play our secrets game; we would go back and forth, telling each other any secrets we had. It started off simple; "I actually hate Gone With the Wind", "My brother hid his pot under my bed", "I watched Barney last night". I couldn't help it anymore though, and I blurted out "I love you." You smiled, hugged me, and said "I love you too; you're my best friend."
"No… that's not what I mean…" I buried my face in my hands, feeling the tears forming. "I don't just love you… I'm IN love with you."
Your smile faded, and you looked at me for a long time. "But you can't. We're both girls. That's not right."
I shook my head, the tears dripping down my cheeks now. "I know. I love you so much though."
Your face twisted into disgust, and you packed up your bag. "I'm calling my mom, and going home. You're nasty."
Pulling myself back to the present as the train pulls in, I gather my things and get on board. My mind returns to you as soon as I'm seated.
I think those were the last words you ever said to me… "You're nasty." A few whispered "Perv"'s or "Dyke"'s as I passed you in the halls, but that's all. It's funny to think that four little words changed so much between us.
Gone are the days of matching clothes. You moved on to Abercrombie and Hollister, while I stayed with my mix and match bargain bin attire. I remember playing with our Barbie's like there was nothing else to do. Then you played with innocent hearts, and I played the bass. It was scary for me to see how much you've changed, and how much I've changed too I guess, but how much things are still the same.
Throughout high school, you'd still start to talk to me when you're friends aren't around, but stop yourself before you could say the words. I wrote you a birthday card every year, and slipped it into your locker. I still write them now, and get my mom to give them to you. I think we both miss the comfort we had in just being friends with each other.
Some days, when I go back to the town now, I want to stop by your house, and ask how you are. Mom said you're married now, with three beautiful kids. I want to tell you that I'm married as well, and my wife and I are about to adopt our second child. I want you to know that I still love you, and you'll always be a special part of my life, no matter what happens. I want you to see that we've both grown up, and we can be friends again.
As I get off the train this time, it takes a second to decide which way to go. Mom told me that you live in the same house you did when we were kids. I go to the main road, and pause again. Left, to Mom's, or right, to your place?
Ten years is far to long for best friends, I think to myself. I hitch my back pack a little higher on my shoulder, take a deep breath, and head to the right.
AN: Wow, I haven't written anything like this in a while! Hopefully it's not too terrible.