It's About The Time That Almost Made Me Feel That Useless.

I can't stop crying.
I can't tell you anything.

I'm less then halfway through and already I'm skipping ahead.
around for any mention of my name.
Because I'm still not certain I should exist at all.

When I told you that it felt like you never left
you laughed.

I cannot say a word.
And I'm pretty sure you won't read this,
but the irony makes me laugh.

Of course I'd keep it.
I'd use the names we talked about.

But I cry more.
How do I explain it other then
the inability to keep food down,
or to fall a sleep.

Or the ability to write an endless number of
miserable haiku.

There are a lot of things I wish for;
Katie to stop hurting herself,
Alex to get his Hopefactor.

But mostly I wish for you.
For your happiness.

It's happening again.
I can feel a migraine coming,
and the goose bumps on my skin feel
are a precursor to my insides playing
twister.

Every few minutes I reread
the parts that make me cry,
remeber every thing you ever said
to me that made me want to scream
and throw myself into traffic

And I can't hate you for it,
I can't do anything but cry.

Only one thing has ever made me feel more
fcking useless in my life.

I've decided that if I only do one thing worth remembering in my life
it will be the time I felt more useless.

But this isn't about him, or you.
This is always about me.

...

A.N. (I hate feeling useless. I hate that I just added Mike on MySpace. I hate how I want him to remember me, and give a damn about how what happened affected me. I hate how this isn't supposed to be about him or me but it is anyway. I hate how selfish that makes me.)

(I hate how everyone will read this and move on with there lives thinking something like 'Fcking whiny bitch' and even if they don't I'll think that's what they think.)

(And no matter how many times I get proved wrong, I still have this secret fear that you'll all hate me.)