by: october lies (september 3, 2008, 11:35)

pocrescophobia - the fear of becoming/being fat/obese

she thrives in the dark, her white skin aglow and beautiful and her wild hair disappears, subtly. her eyes shine blue, reflecting light that wasn't there, a fire burning inside. with shaking hands, she creates herself on paper, on canvas, bringing to life the entity of her dreams, her hopes coming that much closer to true.

at night, she prays, begging all her hard work will come true and bear positive results, once and for all. the skipped lunches, passing on the brownies at dinner, declining the most appealing foods. oh, how she hopes her hard work would not have been in vain.

how hard does a girl have to try, she wonders despairingly, knowing the answer deep down in her chest. so she tries just a little harder, re-creating and re-re-creating the image of perfection in her mind's eye, focusing on the gaps, the hollows, what wasn't there.

how far does a girl have to go to be beautiful, she cries in the depths of her preoccupied mind ("suck in your stomach, back straight, head angled straight, long strides, neutral expression, arms controlled, legs slightly spread.") oh, but yet again, she knows the answer deep down to her gut. she knows how it could be, should be, would be solved.

but she's too afraid to do that kind of thing. no, she's not desperate enough to go that far and hurt herself in that kind of way. i...i'm not the kind of girl who does that kind of thing, she tells herself in a wavering voice almost as unsteady as her erratic heartbeat.

inside, she thinks about trying it once - just one time. once couldn't hurt - no, not at all. and she reassures herself that just once won't make her that kind of who does that kind of thing.

so she tries it just once, and then she knows. she wasn't trying hard enough at all.

creative writing is good to me.