He doesn't care. He never did. He won't ever care, and he won't ever want to.
I asked him why he was so silent around me, why he was ignoring me when I said hello to him. He didn't know what I was talking about. I told him that I wrote the letter, and that I thought that was why he wouldn't speak to me.
He asked me, "What letter?"
I didn't answer him. He doesn't care enough to remember a heartfelt confession of love. So he doesn't deserve my love.
But I can't stop loving him, as hard as I try. The only thing that will stop the pain of loving him is the pain of my death. A literal death, with blood and silence, not the death that I'm already in. In loving him, but not being loved, I am already dead, lost inside my own mind.
I have this dream every night where I'm in love with him, and he's in love with me. I dream that he kisses me in the rain and under the stars, and that we stay awake 'til ungodly hours of the morning with each other. But it's a nightmare to me. It's a nightmare because I know that it can't happen. Won't happen. Will never happen. So even if it's beautiful, it will kill me because of the reality.
He walked by me today. Normally, I would drop what I was doing and follow him, trying to keep up but remain unnoticed. My failure every time was that he always knew I was there. But today, I just stood there at the classroom door, waiting for my friend. About two feet away, he realized that I wasn't following him. But I was watching him, following his movements with my eyes. For just a second, our eyes met. There was a silent connection, a passing of words that no one else heard or saw. It was only us for that one second.
But I looked away. I couldn't bear to look into eyes that didn't see love in the person they were looking at. I couldn't bear to keep looking at a possibility that isn't there. I couldn't bear to let my eyes say, "I love you". It just wouldn't have been right. So I looked away.
And the sickening realization hit me today with those words: He doesn't care. He doesn't care that I love him. He doesn't want me around. Even if I am 'just a friend', he doesn't want it. I can be just a friend. But he just doesn't care enough to give me the chance.
Love is true, it never fades,
But for me, it causes such great pain.
You must see the love that's in my eyes,
But I see none in yours, and so I die.