Right, so where I should I begin? At the beginning is best, yeah?
So, picture this: me, sixteen years old, good looking (hopefully), walking along some grungy road at seven in the evening. Deadline to be home passed about ten minutes ago. I can pass ten minutes off by saying that the bus was late. But I think I'll have a harder time explaining the half hour it will take me to get home. So I'm walking along, pondering this dilemma that has arisen before mankind and whether or not to take the back way across the park. On one side, I don't cut across the park, I get home late, get grounded and never see the light of day again. On the second, I cut through the park, get home basically on time and everything's fine. Thirdly, I cut through the park, get cornered by a sicko and die.
Well, as there are two instances of cutting through the park and only one of not I guess I'll go for the cutting. So, a quick nip over the park gates, almost catching my jeans on the spikes at the top. Seriously, someone should move them, they're a safety hazard. I almost busted my guts trying to climb over!
I know this park is like a maze so I stay on the main path. I have no wish to fall in the pond and become duck food. No, I mean it; one of my mates almost got a finger taken off from one of those sleek backed little quackers. And I'm sure there's got to be some quicksand around here somewhere. I can just see the headline: Teenager wanders into mysteriously appearing marshland. Well, you never know with my luck!
My mind suddenly jumps to the worst thing possible, now that I'm walking through the long grass (and what happened to the thing of gamekeepers keeping the paths clear?): snakes. Were there any in the park? Well, I figure I should just keep going 'cause if a snake is gonna get me it will, whether I feel like it or not. These animals aren't half inconsiderate. They don't ask you whether it's okay to bite you, do they? Oh no, they just head right on in. I want a piece of that ankle and if it's yours, well that's just tough!
Okay, we're out of the grass, thankfully with all our ankles intact. Now we've got the woodland trail. I never got that; isn't a trail meant to be something like a maze or at least a windy path? Not this dead straight, uninhabited path of dry gravel. I thought they wanted this park to remain pure? Is putting gravel in a path pure? No, didn't think so. What am I gonna come to next? A cattle grid?!
Hehe. I loved that sheep!
Ahem. Now we got stumps. And we're back to the pure part. Don't give me the thing about rotten trees. Trees produce oxygen that keeps all of us alive. If you did that would you still do it if people were calling you rotten left, right, and centre? No, you'd go on strike. Then what would happen to us? We don't even pay the bark bearers!
Ooh, pond in sight. This part of the path leads right down to the edge. Let's walk on the other side, shall we? I want to remain dry, people. An owl hoots. Why do they even do that? I mean wouldn't that scare off the things they're trying to catch? And don't you think that the little critters whom owls eat should have learned by now that anyone who leaves their little burrows during the night saying, "I'm going outside now. I may be some time," don't actually come back? Ever!
Man, I wish I'd packed a jumper. It's freezing out here. Couldn't the weather have waited till I got home before stripping off? It just seems to follow me around. I don't think I've had one piece of sun all month. But my friends keep ringing me up and saying "hey, it's sunny. You should come over". You'd think they'd have learnt by now that wherever I go, angst will always follow.
I see the first star. I get so excited I completely forget to make a wish. In fact, I don't remember at all. The star suddenly vanishes. Stupid planes. Why can't they fly above the stars? ...And I think that is one of the most stupid things I have ever, in my very short but very spectacular life, thought.
And of course while I was looking up I walked right into something bad. It's like with men. They're never happy. If you're looking down it's, "Why you looking down. Back off," and if you're looking up it's, "Why aren't you looking at me". And I'm like, "How did a gender with all the mental capacity of a cup cake and the attention span of a gold fish get to be the 'dominant' one?"
So, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, trouble. Something I go hand in hand with. So walking along, minding my own business. Well, I was minding the stars but there you go. Walking along, thinking, and suddenly the ground ain't there no more.
Typical. There has to be one place where builders are digging a foundation hole for a fishing pier (hello, protected park area!) and I walk straight into it. So down and down I go. Down and down and down and down and down. I'm getting bored now. Let's fast forward.
A minute later (okay, slight exaggeration)...
Down and down and down. Okay, really bored, let's just hit the bottom already.
Kaplunk. Ooh, I like that. Kaplunk. Kaplonk. Kaploonk. Ahem. Anyway, I'm at the bottom, I gotta climb out, there's no way up. See my dilemma?
So, I'm now considering this second dilemma cursed upon mankind, having completely forgotten the first one. On this one though, I have no choices. Well, I could sit here or I could try to climb something that was not made to be climbed. Well? Thought so, let's head on up.
I try, I slip. I try, I slip. I try, I slip. I try, I slip. I sit down in the corner (metaphorical corner here, people) and swear my head off.
Trust me, you don't want to hear what I said. It would probably have you thrown in jail for just hearing it.
So, lets re-size the situation (if only that were possible in all factors of life): me, stuck in a ditch, day getting dark (that's what's called night) and no way of getting anywhere (I could go somewhere in my head but I'm getting cold and my creative genius only works when I'm warm, well fed, and pampered).
That resizing didn't go too well. Let's try to climb the pit of doom again while I can still see the hand in front of my face that is hopefully attached to my arm and beyond.
So I try, I slip. I try, I slip. I try; wait, we've already done this, people. So now let's change it a bit. I've already begun this, so I've already tried. But I've slipped way too many times so let's get out.
Well, I tried to be optimistic. Look where it got me!
I figure that if I die here though, I will be forever known as the child who stumbled through life and stumbled into death.
Haha, I make such good jokes, don't I? No really, don't laugh, you might crack your sides.
Where did that expression come from anyway? How can you crack your sides laughing? Now, if you were getting hit by a metal crowbar in the stomach I could get it. Cracking your sides by getting hit in the stomach repeatedly with a metal crowbar sounds much more convincing then having something painful happen to you while you're laughing.
Though whoever the person was who came up with the hurtful laugh saying, please, get a new one! Oh yeah, and give me whatever you were on at the time!
Now, where were we? Oh yeah, me still stuck in the hole. I found the other problem with the gravel. It's way too slippery to be lining this marginally-too-big-to-climb-out-of hole. I mean, whoever thought of putting tons of gravel in a hole that you were trying to dig out, was obviously tripping, big time.
I mean, what am I gonna do now?!
Oh yeah, shouting helps, doesn't it!
You might also have found me slightly sarcastic. And beware it's catching. Spend a day round me,; you'll never call yourself an optimist again.
I hope I'm not stuck here till morning. Never mind grounded, I'll be shoved in the basement and the key will be thrown away. And again, we have the question that has been troubling mankind ever since its creation: who comes up with these sayings?
If you threw away the key what would happen if you changed your mind, the guy in the cell nicks your wallet, the toilet needs fixing, or the prisoner wants some food?! I mean, you can't rightly say, "oh sorry, mate. I just ahem-lost-ahem the key." If you do you might just find a lawsuit on your back. And my aren't lawsuits heavy!
Not that I know or anything.
The light has all but disappeared by now and if I stay out here much longer I'm gonna catch my death of cold. Now that's a saying I can understand because you can catch a cold and you can die from it. But I really don't want to do either if it's all the same to you, cold.
It's not that I don't like you or anything, it's just that with my hay fever I really don't need another reason to get the snuffles. Who first said snuffles? 'Cause I've had it up to here (we'll come back to that one) with idiots incorrectly categorizing things. You don't snuffle, you sniff, and you don't 'have it up to here' unless you're drowning, and sure, you'd be pretty fed up but you wouldn't take the time to stick your hand above water (unless you were waving for help) and put it on your head (unless you were having a heart attack or a brain implosion and then I would, like, totally understand) 'cause if you could do that you wouldn't be drowning! Would you?
So basically now it's morning. I've been here all night, have caught a cold, haven't died (thankfully), and have rewritten the entire English language, 'cause hey, we all know that's the only language worth its salt?
...Oh, I give up!