where neither seraphim nor raindrops go

"On the back of a motor bike
With your arms outstretched trying to take flight
Leaving everything behind
But even at our swiftest speed
We couldn't break from the concrete
In the city where we still reside"
Brothers on a Hotel Bed by Death Cab for Cutie

chapter last edited April 26, 2009

My brother Vincent was a genius. That's what my parents said, that's what his SAT scores said, but his grades begged to differ. He was cripplingly smart, a great writer, not so good at math, loved history. But he was lazy, unmotivated.

I was jealous of him for the longest time. I was a good student- I did my homework, I paid attention in class, but I wasn't like him. I wasn't smart like him. I was only smart. And hardly even that.

He had garnered a reputation for being a smartass and a lazy ass in high school. People who didn't really know him would look up in wonder at the mention of his name, saying things like, "Oh, isn't that that really smart kid who never does anything?"

Sometimes I wondered if he liked me. Or if he thought I was too much of a nuisance to bother with. I knew I liked him. While my parents fawned over him, putting him in the spotlight so that his faults and strengths could all be seen, I quietly, secretly developed insecurities and flaws of my own.

I was self-conscious, suffering from a lack of self-esteem and an inferiority complex to my stupid, brilliant older brother. In the light shed on me, people could see that I was outgoing, laughed a lot. I was friendly, sarcastic at times, I made jokes. I sometimes let my temper and feelings get away with me. I cried when I was angry.

But I wasn't really anybody. And the one person I knew who was somebody was dead.

Killed. He killed himself.

I wonder, now, as I shuffle down the sidewalk on my way home, how much it must have hurt. If he regretted it at the last moment, realizing what a big mistake he'd just made. He made a lot of mistakes. He always did.

So who's to say he didn't make one by committing suicide?

A/N: Never mind, only one chapter because I've got massive amounts of homework and no one's reviewing. And for you lurkers: if one chapter a day isn't enough for you, review. Otherwise, don't be put out.

That said. Please give feedback. ...?