The Peculiar Tales and Tellings of Joel Ekstrand

Whose Story has the Annoyingly and Stupefyingly most Damned Long and Tedious Title that the Living Beings of the Universes of Space have ever Seen

Once upon a time there was this guy called Joel Ekstrand. He lived in a very happy place called Fluffy Fun Land, which wasn't all that fluffy because the ground was made out of old, hardened Smarties and a red, slippery species of fish.

In Fluffy Fun Land, whenever Joel would go to the hairdresser to get a new haircut, they would first kill off all the hair leeks in his head and then take any type of hair from a wild selection of these and put it on him. After about half an hour the hair would've grown new leeks and entrenched itself into Joel's head.

His favourite haircut was long, golden elven hair broken by a delicate pattern of afro-curls, which were made to seem to originate from a straight, free-standing dreadlock on the top of his head that he used to radar-scout his surroundings with, effectively making it his sixth sense. He also had a blonde wreath-braid that circled his head.

He was considered peculiar because instead of having High-Definition Vision as his sixth sense he had radar sensing. In Fluffy Fun Land, all people had six senses: taste; smell; touch; hearing; seeing and High-Definition Vision. This last sense enabled them to notice completely and incredibly unnecessary tiny details in everything they saw. Later, it evolved into a form of art to decorate small polka sticks with incredibly small and discrete subliminal messages that could only be made out with High-Definition Vision.

Later there also evolved a tradition among the HDV-defects (that is, those who couldn't make out the small polka stick texts) to gather every year and run around, waving polka sticks that included a subliminal message that to HDV-defects read as: "Your mom's a dick. Literally!" However, to HDV'ers it never made any sense, because to them it looked like the text said: "Yesterday, Khalid went to Konsum and bought a mew pair of emerald underpants." This annual tradition came to be known as "Whoopee-Doopey Kackilyhabbluä!!", one of the largest event in the land, gathering HDV-defects from around the world.

In Fluffy Fund Land, the majority of all the trees' trunks was soft and was composed of the exactly same material as Earthen plant stalks, but were awfully elastic and mind-numbingly durable. The only way to break a branch was to tap-dance on top of it while exercising Tai-chi chuan as you held a burning candle that reeked of lavender and Canadian jungles and at the same time contort your face into the most outrageous of grimaces. Then, while doing all that, you had to yodel at the top of you lungs the words "Crikey! Blimey! Great Scott!" for a total of 19 times. When you'd done all that, you'd have to sit down and read a random passage from the "Kama Sutra for Moomins" for about half an hour. Then… the branch would suddenly break of the tree and fall.

These trees also sported a variety of different hairstyles depending on species. Yes, these trees grew hair instead of leaves or shit. Although there was a species of tree that actually grew shit, the inhabitants of Fluffy Fun Land tricked some stupid aliens into trading their latest issue of "Finlands Båtsfylla" for all the shit trees on the planet. Anyways, there was a tree for every haircut imaginable AND unimaginable: Rasta trees, dreadlock trees, elven hair trees, curly hair trees, afro-ball trees, Jap-bun trees, Mohawk trees and so on.

Some of these species could even be sculpted into human form. Mostly they were used as sex dolls by horny people.

The haircuts from these trees were then harvested and used to grow new hairstyles on people. This was because the Fluffy-Fun-Landers hadn't developed any scissors or any other form of shaving equipment and had to use half-molten radioactive artefacts, which were extracted from the national blown-up nuclear power plant. Every country had one, except for the rich ones, because they were way too rich and fancy to be able to build crappy nuclear power plants that would blow up: the result being that every rich man, woman and child on the planet consequently sported the worst haircuts on the planet. Returning to the topic of half-molten radioactive artefacts, these were used to sterilize and kill off the hair leeks in order to make way for the new haircut. In short, this is how Joel's haircut was done. And since getting ones hair cut was considered a universal and divine right in F.F.L., he always got it for free!

Joel's mother was an iron while his dad was some sort of raptor-like dinosaur creature. This was no funny thing however, as every Fluffy-Fun-Lander turned into just that when they reached maturity at the precise age of 43. The women turned into irons while the males turned into green raptor-like creatures with black beaks who constantly wore red fezzes and red kimonos while chain-smoking pipes and the only possible way to tell the difference between them was to listen to them, as every single one of them was gifted with a genuinely unique and personal Indian accent. Joel's parents also didn't have any names, because the people of F.F.L. automatically lost their names at maturity for no explainable reason.

In Fluffy Fun Land, when Joel was incredibly horny, he went to something called a fetish plant. It was a plant that essentially sported different sorts of human body parts (the FFL'ers were human in appearance prior to reaching maturity) and always fulfilled the perverted desires of every body-part fetishist. Thus, omnisexual dendrophilia was by far the single most dominating and common sexual orientation on the planet. Joel's sexual fetish was centred on belly-buttons.

All this however, has nothing to do with the story you're about to read right now…

And now begineth the story the tale of Joel…

One day Joel went out for a little walk. He walked very slowly, lazily strolling about on an empty street. When he lightly and calmly put down his foot on the ground while having finished half of the track, his leg broke violently and he was taken to the hospital after exactly 24 minutes.

May be continued…