This is a crack fic with some political humor. That means you shouldn't expect anything to make sense. You have been warned.
"Liberal Man help me! I'm being mugged!" Came a desperate cry from a citizen of Regular City.
As if on queue a hybrid car came careening through the ally at a very fuel efficient thirty miles an hour, then suddenly stopped. The driver's side door opened and a man stepped out. He wore a blue hemp suit made from union all labor with a green L slapped on his chest.
"Stop in the name of a citizen with superpowers who has no legal authority what so ever and is not actually a part of the justice system." He said in a voice full of authority.
"Oh no, it's Liberal Man, I may or may not go to jail and face a light sentence of a few years in a jail that has almost all the luxuries of home, and will in no way face the death penalty." Exclaimed the mugger.
"That's right you person who defies the law, now I'm going to leave you here and expect you to wait for the police to pick you up."
Liberal Man got back in his hybrid car and left the ally. He entered the main street and continued his patrol around the city at a fuel efficient speed of thirty miles an hour. He stopped at the park in the center of the town to try and stop the destruction of a tree. There a group of hippies had tied themselves to the tree, and the destruction crew looked ready to cut the tree down. He parked his car and put a half hour's worth into the parking meter. He walked over to the workers.
"Stop! You can't kill them or this tree!" He yelled.
"Yes I can Liberal Man!" Came a slightly villainous voice.
"Mr. Conservative! Only you would be evil enough to agree to destroying a tree to make a parking lot for the corporations you figuratively sleep with!" Liberal Man exclaimed.
A man in a suit stepped out from behind the gigantic gas guzzling machines. "No, you are wrong, I am going to drill for oil in the exact spot where this tree is for the corporations I figuratively sleep with. Now you die!" he yelled as he pulled out his pistol and shot.
"Hah, you forget my ability to rapidly heal because of stem cell research!"
"And you forget that my extremely large gas guzzling truck has ran over your puny hybrid car."
"And you forget that by not remaining abstinent you have AIDS."
"But I used protection!"
"It failed on you!"
"Please don't tell my partner!"
"Then let us clear the tree down!"
"No, I will fight you; I have your weakness, alternative energy!" As if on queue a wind farm appeared. He then grabbed a Tazer from his belt and shot it at Mr. Conservative, who was unaffected.
"Hah, because of animal testing I have gained the ability to be immune to electricity! Now watch helplessly as my outsourced labor attacks those hippies and destroys the tree!"
For about ten minutes they continued flinging shit at each other until Liberal Man had to go put more money into the parking meter for his trashed hybrid car. They then continued flinging shit until everyone was so pissed they killed them. The end.
Well, hope no one's offended.
signed the good dr.