The Vampire express: You ask a question, we answer

A/N: Please feel free to ask any questions.

Dear Mr Vampire,

Hi. My name is Annie. I'm 20 and living with my boyfriend. I was just wondering if you could answer a few questions regarding vampires. Like, for example, do you melt when water is thrown on you? Do you only hunt after virgins?

Thanks,

Annie.

Dear Annie,

Hello, my name is Dante Bartholomeu Regastus III. I am older than the socks lying under you boyfriend's bed. Of course, since this is the Vampire express, I am more than damned to answer you questions regarding Vampires.

Q1: Do you melt when water is thrown on you?

Answer: Annie, I believe you have gotten your tales mixed. That is a question you should perhaps ask a witch. Or to be politically correct, those who are magically apt.

So to answer your question; No, us vampires do not melt when water is thrown on us. So let me ask you a question Annie, Do you melt when water is thrown on you?

Q2: Do you only hunt after virgins?

Answer: Yes-but of course, Annie, you will not have to worry, your boyfriend probably helped out with that in the second week you started dating.

I am joking of course. I do not know who came up with this myth. (Perhaps a person whom was trying to explain to their parents as to why they were caught with their boyfriend in bed? "But mum, Vampires attack virgins. Bob here was nice enough to make sure that they'd never get me") Anyway, we do not feed off only virgins, surely you realise that we would in fact eventually starve to death?

I hope you find this information useful for God knows what.

Regards,

Dante Bartholomeu Regastus III

Dear Person,

What's it like being a vampire? Are you constantly hungry for blood? And as soon as blood spills everywhere do you go nuts? Also, is it true that you're all sex fiends? How do I get my girlfriend to sleep with me?

From Justin.

Dear Justin,

I was not particularly surprised to receive a letter regarding the content of which you have written. I'll be frank here, Justin, if your girlfriend refuses to sleep with you, then leave it. Mayhap she does not want to. Have you considered discussing your relationship with her? To be quite frank, Justin, if your basis for a relationship is in fact sexual intercourse, perhaps you are not ready to form a proper relationship.

Q1: What's it like being a Vampire?

Answer: What's it like being a human? Being a vampire is fun for the following reasons:

Every woman loves you because your foreign and as hopeless romantic novels have assured, she automatically assumes that I am a sex god.

Everyone assumes you're a mystery

Everyone assumes you live in a gothic mansion and that you're loaded, as opposed to the fact that you work at a convenience store and live in a caravan park.

Q2 & 3: Are you constantly hungry for blood? And as soon as blood spills everywhere do you go nuts?

Answer: Let me ask YOU a question: Are YOU constantly hungry? When YOU are near food, do YOU go nuts?

No, I thought not.

Q4: Are you a sex fiend?

Answer: Go to any red light district and ask about me, you'll get your own answer.

I am of course joking; no, I am not a sex fiend, I do, however, enjoy such activities as much as the next man.

So there you have it. I hope this has helped you.

Regards,

Dante Bartholomeu Regastus III