Chapter 12
Kill the Author

I must have thought and rethought what I'd say to him a million times.

I love you.

Didn't really cover all the bases that I was looking for.

How dare you.

Was a little to harsh.

I missed you.

Was true. Very true. I might just go with that one. Short sweet simple. Too the point. That's what I had grown up from. Now I'm tall-still sweet. As a fresh cherry pie from aunt Mabel's windowsill. I'm not simple. I'd lived through too many things.

Done too many things.

I had spent the majority of the hour staring at the white washed walls of our fist hotel. Jeremy had forbidden me from driving through the night after my head had hit the steering wheel the second time. I had forbidden him from wearing plaid with checkers while in my presence. He will make the offence again.

We all must sacrifice.

And when he slips. I will be there. Likely to beat him with the bible in the bedside table. He'll pull some agnostic psychobabble bullshit about irony and I'll have to beat him harder. Trust me.

It's how we roll.

Speaking of rolling. I flipped myself in the bed, pulling the covers with me and tucking them under my long lanky form. They're mine! All mine! Mwahaha-etcetc. I rested my gaze on the sleeping bohemian across from me. We were wrapped in the same sheets.

Bed hog.

I couldn't help but look Jeremy over, crushing the pillow that obstructed my view down. He had also insisted that it be put between us. Something about 'avoiding temptation or at least give him a running start from it.'

Such a prude.

What's a little sex between friends? I flicked myself between the eyes, trying to rid myself of the terrible thoughts. I'd been fighting them as long as I had known Jeremy. But really. I needed one solid friend. Not a fuck buddy.

Got too many of those.

But really. He's so tempting. Especially without his glasses. It occurred to me at this very moment that I'm the worst possible creature alive.

Not counting dead people.

Here I am in the middle of an epic quest to find the love of my life and I'm thinking about banging my traveling companion. It's like Shrek banging Donkey intead of trying to find Phiona.

Aaand I just made myself the ogre of this story.

Gross. But all kidding aside I still think I may be the worst. Perhaps I do have a problem. A sexual problem. Perhaps stemming from the fact that the last time I was laid it was by a hairy old man who was at one point attractive.

About thirty years ago.

Okay Kade. Time to make some changes. The first one being: Stop sleeping with your manager for work. Like that's going to happen any time soon. Step two: Stop sexualizing your friend. Even if he's got sex face going on in his sleep. Step three: Find Haven and have hot gay sex until you can't feel your legs anymore.

That one I can do no problem.

It's the other ones I have a problem or two with. I glanced towards the clock, wincing at the neon green flashing 3:00 AM. Time to force some sleep upon my body. I shifted on the bed, kicking the pillow to the floor and with the most precision I could manage, slunk into Jeremy's arms.

Mm Bohemian warmth.

It was said warmth that soothed me and put any apprehension in my mind to rest. I could honestly say that no one had ever lovingly embraced me in the way I was now sleep molesting Jeremy.

Not for more than a night anyway..

For such a man with such a wide range of sexual experience it may be surprising for some to find I had never really… Had a boyfriend. Sure there were a dozen flings-some subtle negotiation, a fuck for some blow at a party once-but an actual steady be at home when I came back from work boyfriend?


I'm what people know as a slut. Single, Lonely, usable target. I am the use-ee and the user can usually pick out the ones who fit the mold of said acronym. The kind who will trade up their bodies looking for some piece of them that was missing.

I can admit it.

I know meaningless sex isn't going to solve any of my problems-stop the fact I've grown up and beyond just having a 'grand old time'. That I want a relationship to last more than a night. Isn't the first step of being an addict admitting you have a problem?

Or something like that…

I forget what I was talking about. My nose touched his chest and I breathed in the scent of spices and mint, starting to drift in and out of consciousness.

I have a long day ahead of me.

I woke up to the fact that I was slowly being crushed by the bohemian death monster.

Squirming only made it worse.

My face crushed into the thin cotton of his shirt and the morning too-hot sticky was setting in. Stupid hotel temperatures being way too hot in the winter. My hands went to his chest, pushing slightly.

Off! Get off!

I was really hoping to get him off in a far more fun way than this. Pushing him only resulted in him leaning over to smother me between his chest and the starchy smelling sheets.


I closed my teeth around his nipple, biting soundly.


There was a yelp and a thud and the Bohemian disappeared from sight over the side of the bed, taking his rightful place on the floor with all the blankets from the bed. Leaving me feeling much better in my My little Pony boxers, perched on the mattress.

Not so sticky hot.

"That. Was the least nice way you could have woken me up."

I heard him groan from the floor and the ruffle of blankets. I grabbed the edge of the comforter that stuck up, yanking it. He flopped over again, this time on his stomach.

"I take it back. That was the series of un-nice things that you could have done to wake me up."

The shuffling continued as he tried to right himself. As soon as I caught sight of his head I tossed the comforter over it.

"You're a real bitch in the morning. You know that?"

Oh hoh!

Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I guess that would be my fault.. As the wrong side of the bed happened to be the floor… "When are you making me breakfast?" I stretched out, pulling my bleachy blond shaggy hair out of my face.

I need a haircut.

The brown haired scruff muffin sat up, glaring at me-well, passed me. He's excessively blind without his glasses. I really could… get away with… I leaned forward.

Just a little peck.

I touched my lips to his sweetly, softly, with only enough force to part his in a romantic-Blah coffee morning breath gross! I jerked away, rubbing my mouth with the back of my hand. "Oh gross you taste so bad!"

"Why the hell are you kissing me!" He had once more hit the floor. "Of course I taste bad I haven't had the chance to brush my teeth!"

"Well do that before I kiss you again."

"Don't kiss me!"

"Why aren't you making me breakfast?" I kicked at the remnants of comforter to the floor, dropping my feet over the edge.

"I should have stayed in the city."

"Should have, would have, could have. You signed on to play babysitter so the least you can do is be a good one." I curled a piece of hair around my finger, pulling a pouty face, rolling out my lip that was currently unglossed.

First thing in the morning I was bare faced, sans makeup, completely untouched-up. I didn't mind it. I almost preferred it at times. The older I got the less I wore. And the more I used it to enhance instead of make me look like a glittercorn. The rarest of all unicorns.

Jeremy always said he liked me better natural.

Not that he'd seen it much. We had our sleepovers. Non sexual ones-really why should we stop having sleepovers when we're kids. It's more convenient to just stay over at someone's house then drive home. Plus you get nighttime cuddles! Forced or not in Jeremy's case. He was a cuddle bug too-when comfortable.

Poor guy.

He needs a girlfriend. Gotta get out his cuddles somewhere. I'd gladly take them but I think we'd get too attached to each other. Not that I wouldn't consider a relationship with Jeremy. He was kind, steady, easy going-but that's the problem.

We're too comfortable with eachother.

There's no passion, no danger-nothing that would cause a spark. It'd literally be dating my best friend. I think we could live our whole lives in a happy monogamous relationship. But it'd be passionless.

Full of love.

But passionless. "You should at least be bringing me continental breakfast from the lobby." I kicked on my slippers lazily, flouncing towards the bathroom. "I'm going to have a wank, you get me some food I'm going to be hungry when I'm done."

"You-You shouldn't tell me those sort of things! They're private!"

I looked over my shoulder, smirking at the sight of Jeremy's bright tomato red face. It stood out so nicely against his baby blue shirt. "Well what else are you going to think about when the bathroom's free for your turn?"

I was nailed in the face with a pillow, nearly toppling head over heels.


For a nerd boy, he certainly has a good throwing arm. I caught myself on the wall, scrambling to keep the pillow from falling for no reason in particular other than reflex.

"I'm getting dressed and getting breakfast and not…"

"Going for a wank?"

"That. Yes. I'm getting a coffee. There's no dealing with you at this hour without one."

I watched him pull on his skinny jeans, having to undo the zippers at the heels to get them on. His pants rivaled mine for the level of ball crushing. I'm pretty sure mine was an 8. It's a good thing I never want to reproduce.

Or have the ability to.

Unless I magically sprout a uterus or stop finding women intimidating gross there will be no babies up in this hizzle. Bo bizzle… fizzle.

In my nizzle.

What was I saying? I had the vague realization that Jeremy had finally managed to get into his pants and was making his way towards me across the room.

He was apprehensive.

I could tell it was because I was standing between him and the door to the hotel room. And my evil was tingling. He grabbed the key and hugged the wall as he passed. I couldn't help myself and gave his tight, scrawny ass a squeeze.

Mmm Nerd ass.

He yelped and took a stumbling leap into the door, tugging it open. "You're an insatiable curr." He told me.

"More getting laid, less Hemingway or Moby dick or whatever."

"It's a good think you're pretty, Kade."

"I take three sugars and about two thirds booze to cream ratio with my coffee."

"A real good thing."