His hand is in his pocket and you don't know why you're even staring. Something about the way he moves makes your stomach clench and you're pretty sure if you spend another second watching him you're just going to fall apart. Scream or cry or throw up. You're not even sure which you feel like doing anymore.

One, two, three steps forward. One, two, three steps backward. And repeat.

It's not as if you exist in his radar. Not because "oh, poor you, you're so terribly ugly". No, nothing like that. You're not terribly ugly. You just can never even be a thought in his head. Just not possible. But still, you lay in your bed at night and stare at the ceiling. There's a part of you hoping he's somewhere, staring at his ceiling and thinking about you. That's about the stupidest thing you've ever considered, but still...you're hopeless.

Write it on the wall. Wash it off.

There's all these people watching and they all have their own lives so why can't they just go away and leave the two of you in peace? You're certain, you're so certain that if you could be alone, and if there wasn't anybody else, he wouldn't say no. But that's silly, isn't it, because why would he say no if you were the only thing to say yes to? Specifics like that don't seem to get to you. And that's not what you mean anyway. If only the people that would hate it could go away. Leave the people just like you, sick like you, wrong like you. They won't mind the little mess you've made of your life.

Put it in his drawer. Lock it up and hide the key.

Looking at him is becoming more problematic by the day. You take one look and you get the urge to run away. Not because he's wrong, but because he's oh so right that there is something raging inside of you. It can't happen and it's killing you and every room the two of you occupy is so small it's suffocating. You're in the open outdoors and the whole damn world feels too mashed up and upside down. Why is this happening anyway? How easily can your own heart betray you?

Call to confess. Hang up by the second ring.

You count down the seconds until you see him again. Part out of elation that the time is arriving again so soon, part out of fear because oh hell you just don't think you can handle it again. One of these days you're going to crack and something is going to come out and can't everything just stop for a moment? Where do you have to go to escape him? You've tried everywhere. You've drowned your own thoughts out with every piece of loud rock music you can think of but he's still there. He's there and he's listening to it too and in your head you're so close and no one cares but then again the door's still unlocked and they could come at any moment so you can't be anything but near misses and close encounters.

Open your eyes to something new. Close them again because the light's too bright.

You're so cliché it's sickening. You can't eat, you can't sleep, you're over the moon, you're spinning in circles and pulling petals off daisies. Well, maybe you're not actually doing the last one, but if it wasn't so blasted cold and the flowers were actually growing you probably would try it once. You exist for signs like that. You're too scared to do anything so you're trying to let a higher power you don't even believe in figure it all out for you. How foolish is that, considering the fact that if there is some higher power hanging around up in the clouds, he or she or it would think you were so sick for wanting this there'd be no sign that it was right? There's no one to help you, no one to aide and abed you. You're on your own on this one and since when has independence ever done you any good?

Set a time and place for the two of you to be alone. Don't show up.

Sometimes, when the person you used to be takes control, you hate yourself and you realize how completely wrong you are for everything you're thinking about doing. You want to scream at yourself and maybe lock yourself up because clearly if these are the sorts of thoughts you're having you are certifiably insane. But this rational old you isn't worth much of anything once he walks in the room. You're off your rocker and the new you loves every minute of it. Even in the moments when your hands are shaking and your mouth is dry and you are certain one more second of him looking at you will make you melt on the spot.

Lay your heart on the line. Snatch it up in the nick of time like it's a damsel on train tracks.

His other hand is in his other pocket now and you're still staring even though it's no more right than it was before. He's not moving and you're not either and maybe the two of you are in a movie and someone's hit the pause to go get some popcorn or milk duds. No one hits play but he moves, only his eyes and not his head. He's staring at you and you force your eyes away from his pockets and you stare into his eyes. You wonder if the day will ever come that he could be yours. Or that you could be his. But he's still looking and you're looking and even when he looks away he always looks back, so maybe you already are his and he's already yours but you just can't say it. You'd like that. It's not what you want, really, but it's something and this is just so wrong that anything is okay.

Love for forever. Give up today.


A/N: I was planning to write something about me but this is what came out and this isn't me. I'm not sure who it's about or even WHAT it's about, but I wrote it and I like it. Except now all I can see to type in are long run-on sentences. Not good.