Author's Note: Incase no one's noticed, I LOVE Greek mythology, so I thought I'd write this. Hope you like it! :)
I am writing to apologise for the 10 year long war you have just had with Sparta. Personally, I don't believe that it was my fault at all. But since some of you have actually started to boycott worshipping me, I think it's only right that you know my side of the story…
Well it all started when King Peleus and Thetis decided to get married. Now, if you insist on blaming someone for the war, you should blame them. Had they invited Eris to the wedding none of this would have happened, and I could be preening myself right now, instead of writing an apology letter to you stupid, low class err… I mean intelligent Trojan citizens.
Being the goddess of chaos, Eris was able to plot her revenge very quickly. She made a golden apple, marked it with the words 'For the Fairest', then threw it into the wedding. Naturally Eris must have meant for it to be given to me, as we all know that I am by far the most beautiful, fair, lovely and modest goddess on Mount Olympus. Unfortunately, there were a few who didn't seem to understand that, namely Hera, Zeus' wife/sister (!!) and Athena, his daughter.
This of course started an argument between the three of us. We therefore agreed that there should be a beauty contest, and that Zeus should judge. Zeus explained to us that he was not a very good judge of beauty, and that he was unable to. Yeah, and I don't know romance. More like he was too chicken to give the apple to me over his wife and daughter!
Anyway, he said that Paris, a shepherd who was really a Trojan prince, was good at judging beauty. Hera, Athena and I then descended to Earth to ask Paris to settle our little dispute. You'd have thought that after all this Athena and Hera would both want to end it, and just be dying to give me the apple. But nothing is that simple with those two. Honestly, who do they think they are, goddesses or something? Oh hang on… never mind.
Where was I again? Oh yes! After we had explained the situation to Paris, Athena and Hera started to offer him bribes. Hera said that if she was chosen, she would reward him with power and wealth. Athena said she would make him the wisest man on the earth. I didn't even dream of resorting to such dirty politics, but the others drove me to it. I promised Paris the love of Helen, the most beautiful woman in the world.
And Paris, being the lovesick person he is, chose me. Mind you, I didn't really need the bribe. He just seemed like the sort of person that would need to feel that he was getting something in return.
This is the part where most people start hating me. Look, how was I supposed to know that Helen was married to the King of Sparta? And don't give me that, 'Oh, but you're the goddess of love. You must know about weddings and who's married who!', because it's wrong. Yes, I am the goddess of love. Yes, I know about all the events leading up to a wedding. But actual marriage itself?! Isn't it obvious by looking at my title (goddess of love and beauty) that I don't know the first thing about that?
Well you all know what happens next I suppose. It's pretty hard to miss a ten year long war between two of the biggest cities in Greece, one being where you live. And I'd like to say that I think it was very careless of you to let the horse in without passing it through a bomb or metal scanner first! Oh right, those haven't been invented yet. Oops.
I'll be going now. This apology letter is one in a long list of others I need to write.
With much love,
I had a lot of fun writing this. Please review!