Last chapter, thanks for all the support.
I would love feedback of the end, or any comments about the whole thing.
You'll see more of my work soon
Panic rose within me. It was nearly three in the morning and I was standing outside of his house. He was probably sleeping. At that point I wasn't sure why I had come. I stood blankly in front of his house, staring at it. Absently I kicked a snow bank as I shuffled my feet, trying to feel some sort of warmth. The blistering cold started to settle into me and my teeth were chattering more than usual. My body carried me to his steps and I reached for the door knob. It was locked. I wasn't sure why I thought it would be open.
I thought about leaving, but that required walking three blocks down to find a taxi. Why had I come? I suddenly felt incredibly awkward; I wasn't sure what to do. I couldn't stop shivering. My feet and hands were no longer part of my body and my legs and arms were well on their way. I tried to get my phone out of my pocket, but as I stuck my hand inside I realized that I didn't have my phone. It was still on my nightstand at home. Now I was stuck, locked out in the freezing cold in front of Jason's house. I really was going to die.
One more thought crossed my mind. I could yell, maybe he would hear me and come down stairs. But yelling, honestly? I tried to move, to do anything but I was frozen my body hurt and I couldn't move. I started to get tired and my breath picked up from shivering so much. The more the minutes passed the more yelling felt like the best option. At least he would let me in to his hallway; even if he didn't want to see me he could possibly call me a cab. Yes, I had to yell.
I cleared my raspy, cold throat. I looked from side to side to see if anyone was around. Then I took a deep breath. I imagined it being like a movie or a great book where the main character finally has his turning point. He yells for the person who he finally realizes he was in love with. Then the light upstairs would flicker on and he would come to the window. After that the lover would run down the stairs and sweep the main character off their feet and they would live together in happiness.
It didn't go like that for me. I took a deep breath and just as I was about to let it out in a long yell.
'Shawn?' the whispering thought flew across my mind almost too quickly for me to notice. The breath that I had previously taken came out in an awkward gasp. I turned around and saw Jason walking toward me. He was bundled in all his winter gear, including boots. What was he doing behind me? I took another side glance at his apartment, utterly confused. I stared blankly at him. 'Shawn?' he asked again.
I swallowed, 'hey.'
'What are you doing?'
I had no answer, 'I don't know.'
He was close to me now, only ten feet away and still walking toward me. I hadn't realized that, if at all possible, I was shivering more now.
'You're cold,' he said.
'Yeah,' I responded.
I couldn't think I was stunned, not only that but I couldn't move. His hand gently tapped the small of my back as if motioning for me to follow him. He unlocked his door and I followed him into his hall. The hall was cold but, it was warmer than outside. Slowly, trying to move my frozen feet I followed him up the stairs. Once inside I stood right at his door. He closed the door behind me and started removing his winter clothes. I stood motionless. He looked up at me a couple times. I was still shivering uncontrollably, I felt my chest become heavy and my lungs felt frozen.
'Shawn, take off your coat.'
'I can't,' I couldn't move.
My chest was heavy and my fingers were numb, I couldn't feel anything. He let me stand for a few more minutes, I couldn't move. He took a step toward me. He glanced up at me for a moment. A moment long enough to see the hurt in his snowy eyes. A moment long enough to see that I had put that hurt in his eyes. Then the moment was over and he was unzipping my coat. With my body still shaking he pulled the coat off of my and hung it up.
'Come on,' he thought. Slowly he helped me to the couch and carefully I lowered myself down. He disappeared for a moment and came back with his comforter and wrapped it around me. 'I have to make a phone call, I'll be right back.'
Then he left and disappeared into his room. I lowered my head under the blanket making my own personal breathing heater. I tried to stop shaking but I couldn't make my self stop. Between the anxiety, nervousness, fear and cold I couldn't even think about stopping. I felt stupid. I was tired and cold, I was hurt and scared. All I wanted to do was be home in my massive bed with the blankets pulled around me. My chest was tight with emotion and heavy with cold.
Sooner or later I popped my head out of the blanket right as Jason was crossing the room toward me.
'So…what's this about?' he asked, trying to hide his emotions from me.
He tried but it didn't work. A wave of emotion flooded me. It was a mix of emotions, all too complicated to explain. Immediately I felt guilty. My heart fell and I lowered my head.
'I'm sorry, I can go,' I thought, guilt heavy in my chest.
'Don't be dumb,' he thought. 'You're practically frozen, let me see your hands'
I managed to pull off my gloves and he came forward. His hand reached out and hovered around my hand as he examined them. The warmth from his hand radiated off of him.
'Can you feel them?'
'Yeah, I'm starting too again.'
It was then I noticed that my shaking has almost stopped. He nodded, but stood up. Finally he sighed and sat down beside me. To try and avoid awkwardness I pulled off my hat and placed it in my lap. He looked up at my head, and then did a double take. Finally his fingers came into contact with me as he touched the side of my face and gently pushed it to the side to examine the back of my head. His fingers were warm on my cold skin. At first I didn't know what he was doing.
'You didn't get the surgery?' his thought was full of surprise.
'No, I uh, I got your text right before and I…' I trailed off my thought, wondering why I had told him.
'Oh yeah, I didn't mean to…' he trailed off too.
For a long, long moment we were both lost in thought. I was unable to think coherently and I couldn't think of a single thing to say. But here I was frozen inside of his apartment across the entire country and I had nothing, absolutely nothing to say. I was dumb.
I looked up at him. His eyes were down and he was lost in through. Flashes of thoughts and memories cross through my mind but they were all to fast for me to latch on to one. His thoughts were racing.
'I'm sorry,' I said, and then courage formed within me. Where it came from, I didn't know. But a strange adrenalin spread through my veins and suddenly I had something to say. 'I know that it's stupid that I came across the country and I can't think of a single word to say except that. But it's true. I'm sorry for everything. You took care of me and helped me and I was an asshole to you.' I looked up at him, capturing his eyes in mine. 'You didn't deserve any of it.'
He sighed, 'it wasn't your fault. You were confused, scared…lost.'
'That isn't an excuse. You gave me a way out, you were my way out and I was dumb and threw it all away.' A thick emotion rose in the back of my throat.
He looked up at me again, 'your dad came to the hospital and asked for me. He told me about your surgery. He also told me that your mom said you were miserable in California, he offered to pay for a ticket for me to go see you.'
'I know,' I said, the rejection still prominent.
'He must have told you what I said then, I'm surprised you're here.' At that point I didn't know if my heart could feel any worse. 'I said no.' I tried to look away but he looked up at me, his eyes glossy and sad. For a moment he just looked at me and I could do nothing but look back. 'It wasn't because I didn't want to. If I came there then you wouldn't have gotten to figure it out on your own. I wanted you to make the choices you needed to make.'
I sucked in a huge breath unsure if I felt better or worse. But then I knew he was right. If he came, showed up on my doorstep, I wouldn't have figured out anything for myself. I probably would have gotten the surgery if only out of frustration. I wouldn't have realized I needed to leave California if I was going to achieve any of my goals. I wouldn't have made my own choices my own decisions.
'You're right,' I smiled. 'You knew I would come back didn't you?'
'Well, I was hoping. I got a little worried when your dad showed up.'
It was then I noticed that my hands felt like they were burning. I must have made some sort of noise because Jason's hands came forward and took mine in his. His warm fingers wrapped around me. Just the contact of our skin sent relief shooting through me.
He helped me up and pulled me to the kitchen. He took a bowl out from the cupboard and filled it with warm water. Slowly he lowered my hands into the water. It felt immediately cold to my skin and I almost pulled my hands back out.
'It's okay,' he thought.
One hand held my hands under the water and the other came around my back to circle me. He was warm and strong and I was cold. My body remembered I was cold and I started to shiver again.
'I'm sorry,' I said again.
'It's okay, just relax,' he thought.
My shivering got worse.
'I'm so dumb I messed everything up,' my hands were burning and short whimpers were rising in my throat. My whole body was burning as it started to thaw.
'You didn't mess up everything'
'Why did I leave?' I asked as another wave of burning pain passed through me.
'Because you had to,' he thought calmly. 'Shawn are you okay?'
'Yeah, I'm just cold, or hot'
He lifted up the sleeve of my shirt. My entire arm was covered in extreme goose bumps.
'Okay, we should go to the hospital'
I turned into him, panic rising inside of me.
'No, I don't want to go back outside. I'm fine look,' I forced myself to stop shivering. 'I'm fine.'
'Alright but we have to get you warm,' he said, pulling my hands out of the water. They felt a little better but the rest of me still burned.
He led me to his room, pulling me along slowly behind him. He sat me on the bed and we pulled off my shoes. They were soaking. Then he pulled off my socks to reveal my frozen feet, almost unbearable to touch with a hand. He left briefly and grabbed a towel. He dried my feet and then wrapped a dry one around them. He pulled my sweatshirt off, leaving me in just a t-shirt.
I lay back against his bed and he lay next to me, facing me. He wrapped several blankets around us, keeping us in a tight cocoon. I concentrated on breathing so I would stop thinking about how cold I was. His hand came forward and he pushed some hair out of my eyes.
'Did you walk here?' he asked.
'Halfway, I walked from my house to the city, then I got a cab,' I thought.
'Shawn, it's below zero. Why did you think that was a good idea?'
'I couldn't sleep, I just wanted to see you.'
He smiled a little bit, his warm smile that I loved. His eyes were gleaming, glowing bright blue. His breath was calm and relaxed and his heart thudded gently into his chest. He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me against his warm body. He kept me there for a long time.
'I missed you,' he said finally.
I laughed, 'so did I.'
For awhile I just lay there in his arms enjoying his warmth. I remembered all the nights we would end up just like this. Soon my breath started to slow and my hands and feet started to thaw. The burning gently released and I could feel my fingers and toes again. His warm breath was soft on the top of my head, and it smelled sweet. His hands rubbed my back, and soon I could feel them on my skin. My eyes started to flutter shut, but this time I didn't try to fight them. There is only so long you can fight.
This was all for a reason, the memory of our conversations passed threw my head. What did it all mean? Was this all for a reason or was it pure chance? How did we end up with each other? Two people can read minds and end up next to each other. Chance, luck, coincidence, fate, which was it?
That's when I realized. It was a combination of all of them. Everything happens for a reason, but there isn't a reason for everything. While we all just go along and live our lives and hope for something to come of them. In our deepest moments, depression, happiness, or pure hope the things around us are all happening for a reason. At the end we find someone, a friend a lover that is our opposite on many levels, but our other half. It's the part that says yes when we say no, the part that tells us to speak when we can't. The part that picks us up when all we want to do is sleep. In the end our hearts, our souls know what we need. We are drawn to our other half, and like magnets, we click together. We click as if we were always there, like we had never been apart. Jason with his fixed sight and me with useless ears. His big heart and my short temper, together we made a circle; an endless circle that only we knew where it started.
In life everyone is forced to make hundreds of decision every second of everyday. It doesn't matter who you are, how old you are, whether you're a man or a women. It doesn't matter if you can see, taste, touch, hear, or smell. And it doesn't matter how big or small the choice may be. What matters is that on the inside we are the same, we are human. Life is delicate, strong and unbelievable. It's unexpected, random and beautiful. What's amazing is when we look around our life is filled with the choices we already made. The life we see everyday is the decision we once made. Whether it's what we're wearing or whose arms are around us, those were choices that we made.
That night I made a rare choice. It was rare because when I made that choice it wasn't followed by a hundred more. It wasn't even followed with one more. It was a choice that had come from a hundred choices and a hundred before that. But that day it was the very last choice from a string of a million others. I decided to stay with Jason. I decided to love Jason. I decided to live in Boston and go to college there. Life is too short to make the wrong decision over and over again. In the world where the only choice is to make a choice, is where we lived, among our choices.