a/n: again, the lyrics are not by me but they are by Tokio Hotel from the song Sacred.

Here's a very different version from the original one... Enjoy.

I'm still awake for you
We won't make it together
We can't hide the truth

"What are we going to do now?" I asked the boy sitting in front of me.

"I don't know..." Sean whispered, staring at the floor. He took away his hands from me, not able to bear the feeling of the touch of my small hands on his any longer. The longer he stayed with me – I think - the more he felt my touch, he felt that he would crumble faster than he already is now.

"Who knows? Maybe things will really work out? I can pay you a visit when you're having your college break." I suggested, uneasily drawing my hands back.

"And how about you, Sapphire? Will you be alive when I return?!" I watched as the boy who owned my heart slammed his palm onto the table. I winced and my eyes dropped down, staring at the fresh red marks on my wrists made by the nurses who tied me down.

I'm giving up for you now
My final wish will guide you out
Before the ocean breaks apart
Underneath me
Remember

"Ye-yes... I will be alive when you return." I answered with confidence but both of us knew that it was just all a lie so that Sean would be able to go to college and then university to pursue his dreams with ease.

"Don't lie to me, Saph! How do you expect me to believe you when you've yet again tried to kill yourself yesterday?" Sean shouted. He covered his eyes with his hands to stop his tears from flowing down.

I wanted to reach out and touch him but I dare not. I had to let him go, I just had to, although he was the only one left in my life.

We met when we were 7 years old and like all romantic stories found it books, we became an item. We were happy and our relationship was strong – that was until I found out that my family had a long line of inherited mental illness called Schizophrenia and I had inherited it. It only became evident when I was around 16, just two years ago from now, when my mother remarried the wrong man - I was repeatedly raped and abused by my stepfather.

My mother would not believe me and I was afraid to tell Sean. I had no one to go to and because of the trauma inflicted on me, I fell into major depression – at least that was what I was initially diagnosed by the psychiatric doctor when I started cutting myself and attempted suicide several times.

A few months later, I started hearing voices – perceptual disorders, they called it -, voices that told me that I was tainted and ruined. They said that it was right to hide it from Sean because he would immediately abandon me if he knew. They also whispered in my ears that I wasn't fit for him and I did not deserve him, not any longer. Heck, I did not even this life of mine any longer.

Over and over again, I would scream back at these voices, telling them to shut up. They became so real that I became confused between reality and delusions. I would talk to them and shout at the laughing and taunting voices, going insane and wild even when I was in public.

Slowly but evidently, I withdrew herself from society. Every time I went out, I felt that people were staring at me with a look of utter disgust as if they knew my dark secret. My mother could not stand me any longer and threw me into a psychiatric ward. After that, I never saw nor heard from my mother again.

Of course, all these affected Sean especially when he found out first hand that I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia since he was the one holding my hand when the psychiatrist broke the news. Although he was the stronger one between the two of us, he broke down in tears while I just sat there, nodding. I knew that there was something wrong with me and it was not much of as a surprise.

To me you'll be forever sacred
I'm dying but I know
Our love will live
Your hand above
Like a dove
Over me
Remember
To me you'll be forever sacred

"Sean... you can't forsake your future just because of me..." I held my hands tightly together at my lap, trying to gain control over my emotions. Lately, Sean had become more and more emotionally distressed so I knew that I had to be the strong one now and release him from the chain of my life. That was the only thing that was left that I could do for him since for these past two years, he had been my pillar of support.

"But I can't leave you alone! What if the voices start coming back again, huh?" he shouted at the top of his voice and although his eyes were still hidden beneath his hands, I could see tears rolling down each side of his cheeks.

"I'm in a psychiatric ward, Sean! It's kind enough for your parents to haven taken the financial burden away from my mum and fully support me in this top notch mental hospital! I don't want to further burden them or you for that matter so please Sean! Go to college, then Uni and then become a Master Degree holder!" I shouted back and bit my lips hard.

I wanted to dig my nails deep into my flesh and feel the blood on my fingertips. I want that pain again, because having that pain is better than having to go through this kind of pain. Nevertheless, I refrained myself because I knew that my hurting myself in front of him once more would further strengthen his decision of staying by my side.

"What if they're too late? What if the voices are back and you try to kill yourself again? There's always a chance that they'll be careless and get to you too late!" he looked up at me with swollen red eyes and in them I can see fatigue and at the same time the unconditional love that he has for me. How many times has he proven to me and reassured me that his love for me will never fade nor dim away?

"It will not happen and I believe that your love for me is undying. It's what a girl always dreams of, don't you know? To have a man by her side and to feel what it called an unconditional love. How can I die when I know I've received the rarest and greatest gift of life?"

"Oh... but you can Sapphire! It's because you're just a bunch of filth! This kind of love that he possesses, don't you think it would be better off given to someone else that's a million times better than you?! Just die, will you?" There it was again – the snickering voices talking to me. I swallowed hard and took in a deep unsteady breath. Shut up... I don't need you here, not at this moment! Why can't you just leave me alone for just this once?! I shouted back in my mind, my body already shaking.

Truth be told, I know that I'm not going to make it. Even if I would, I don't think I would want anyone I hold dear to me to be bounded by my own chains of life when he had the chance of release. But before I really lose myself, I wanted to complete one last task, in hopes that maybe it would somehow amend the way I felt about my life even if it's in a small way.

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" I whispered harshly in fear, momentarily forgetting that Sean was there.

My eyes shot up when I heard the sound of a chair dragging on the floor and in an abrupt motion, Sean was already standing in front of me with his hands tightly covering my ears and pressing my forehead against his wide and hard chest. "It's the voices again, isn't it?" he whispered gently.

My hands went up to grab the soft fabric of his shirt. "Sean... Please, I beg you. Leave me and lead a new life in a new country. Lead a normal life! I can't stand to see your life revolving in only caring for me! You're normal Sean!" I pleaded relentlessly with him. "You need to have a social life! Everyday, after school, you come straight to the hospital. Sometimes you even skip school when you know that the voices are back!" I could remember clearly the times when he would just sit by my side holding my hands while I lay on the white bed, weak from the drugs. He would always put up the brave front and support me through my treatments and even through the times when I tried to kill myself in front of him out of selfish acts. But I knew that once he was out of my sight, he would cry tears of pain and sadness.

You break the ice when you speak
With every breath you take
You save me
I know that one day
We'll meet again
Try to go on as long as you can
Even when the ocean breaks apart
Underneath you
Remember

"True... I do actually skip school a lot but I still score straight As and may I remind you that I'm always holding the first position." He pointed out with fake haughtiness, trying to brighten up the mood. I couldn't help but let out a small laughter at our memories before things began spiralling out of control.

He was always at the top at everything he does while I was only average. He would always boast about his abilities just to irk me and I would always find ways to fire nasty sarcastic remarks at him. From to time to time, he would come to my house and tutor me but somehow we always ended up getting distracted and I never actually learned anything at all that has to do with my academic studies.

I pulled myself away from the memories because although they were happy memories, they made the pain feel even more unbearable. "That's all the more why you should leave. You have the potential to do something great to this world, Sean. Don't be stuck with someone like me. Forget me, but if you can't, at least stop loving me. Give this rare kind of love that you possess to someone else who can return them to you!" I said, my voice muffled by his shirt.

Sean pushed me away at arm's length and gripped my shoulders tightly. "Don't ever say that! Don't ever say fucking that again, do you hear me!? Stop trying to self-sacrifice yourself, Saph! It's not bloody noble at all!" he was furious, I can hear it in his voice even as his grip on me softened.

I stared at him wide-eyed for he seldom cursed while conversing with me. "God... he's hopeless..." Again, the voices. "Look at what you've done to him now, Saph? God... you shouldn't have even existed!" I began shaking my head vigorously. To Sean's utter horror, I crumpled onto the ground and I clutched fistfuls of my hair. "I'm trying! I'm trying my best to release him! Why can't you freaking see that and just shut up and let me be!?"

Slowly, Sean knelt until he was at eye-level with me. "Don't listen to them. Everything they're telling you are lies. Sapphire, my love, please don't listen to them but listen to me. Don't trust them but trust me." By then, my whole body was trembling vigorously. I looked up at him, never blinking, searching for that familiar strength that I would always hold on to in those frequent times such as this in him.

His lips broke into a smile and my body relaxed a little. There it was: that cute crooked smile of his that held so much meaning and words.

To me you'll be forever sacred
I'm dying but I know
Our love will live
Your hand above
Like a dove
Over me
Remember
To me you'll be forever sacred

"I-I'm sorry... I'm good now." I regained my composure and smoothed my white dress, trying to avert my attention to something else.

"Sapphire..." I loved the way he said my name. He was the only one who could say it and make it sound so clean and beautiful. "I can't leave you... I really can't. Not until I'm sure you're able to fight back against those voices and recover."

"I can and I will. Have trust in me, Sean. I need that from you above anyone else. I need your trust." I tried persuading him again and I could see a flickering sense of annoyance at my persistence in facial expression. Nevertheless, he kept quiet and I tried to push on a little further. "When we're young, we always talked about doing something great to change the world. Although I no longer can leave this white prison until the day I'm cured – which is not anytime soon -, I can still do it by making sure you carry on with this dream of ours. You're made for something big, Sean. With your charisma that draws and makes all kinds of people to stop and listen to your words with that brain of yours, you can have the world!"

I love him and I do not want to let him go but I know that I must. It was then or never. Only then did I understand what it means when they say 'To love is to sacrifice.'

Sean kept quiet and I knew that I was winning him over. "I promise that I will continue fighting so long as I know you're happy. There's nothing I can give you but to grant you freedom-"

"How many times do I have to tell you that-" he cut me off but I silenced him by placing my fingers on his lips.

"There's nothing I can give you but to grant you freedom to make your own decisions in life and choose who to love. If after all those years apart, you are able to come back to me with the equal amount of love that you have for me now, I swear that I will no longer push you away from me and try to break you away from the chains and prison of my life. But, if you come back with a heart that no longer belongs to mine, that I will gladly accept it."

"You're sacred to me, Sapphire. Of course I'll come back to you with the exact amount of love as now if not more!"

"Yes, I trust you, so you must trust me and listen to my advice. I may be mentally unsound most of the time but it's in times like this when I know I'm right and am fully aware of my actions."

Forever you
Forever sacred
Forever you
You will be sacred
In your eyes
I see the hope
I once knew
I'm sinking
I'm sinking
Away from you

I cupped his distraught face in my hands and for the longest time since I could remember, I took the first initiative to kiss him on his lips. "So, Sean will you please listen to me and your parents?"

"But what about you?" he asked, though clearly still in the state of utter surprise.

I forced a smile on my lips. "I will fight and I will recover. Doctors and nurses are at my aid every single second. I love you so before you return, I will live so that I may see the successful person that you've become."

He nodded his head and I closed my eyes in dejection. It was done. He had finally agreed and I've lost him for good. No longer will I have someone by my side during those terrible and painful times. No longer will I wake up to find him holding my hands while he slept sitting on a chair with his head on the bed. No longer will I feel the press of his soft loving and warm lips and worst of all, no longer will I be able to hear his gentle voice soothing me when the voices are there.

All of a sudden, I remembered a song called Sacred that Sean sang to me some time ago. As I recalled the soothing yet sad melody of the song, I began singing the chorus of it.

Sean looked at me as if I were an alien. I wondered how long had he not hear me sing?

He started laughing and pulled me into a tight embrace. He kissed my forehead and tucked my head underneath his chin. In a weary tone, he asked, "Are you that happy that I've finally agreed to leave?"

"In a sort of way, yes." I lied, glad that he was too happy to find the truth out.

When he sobered up, he entangled his fingers in my long hair and made me look into his eyes. "Have faith and trust me that my love for you will never fade away. We've gone through so much and all those pain just makes our binds stronger. So if the voices return again with all those horrible lies or when you feel like taking your life away again, remember that you cannot and must not die because once you've overcome them again, you're just making our bond a whole lot stronger. Nothing, I repeat nothing, will break our relationship apart. Do you understand me?"

I couldn't help but believe in him because all I saw in his eyes were the unfathomable depth of his love and the sincerity. I nodded as I began to cry and again, I held onto him for dear life.

We stayed like that for hours even as the voices tried to ruin the peaceful mood. For the next two months, he continued to visit and take care of me until the very day he had to leave.

Don't turn around
You'll see
You can make it
Never forget

15 years later

Everyday, I battled again my Schizophrenia illness. Rather than getting better, everything seems to be getting worse by the minute. I began to see people that weren't there instead of just voices. It was as if the voices have materialized into human forms.

Sometimes I would hallucinate that my stepfather was there hovering above me; groping and touching my body with his filthy and disgusting hands. Other times I thought I would see Sean coming back to me.

Once I purposely broke a ceramic vase and grabbed the broken shards with both my hands. I clutched it so tightly that the physical pain was so overwhelming that it was enough to cover the pain I felt when I remembered the days of when I was raped and the thought that Sean no longer belonged to me alone.

Another time I tried to jump out from the window when I nurse carelessly left it opened but before I could really do it, a nurse saw me and they managed to get me away from the window and dragged me back to bed. They tied my hands up to the bedpost and sedated me with drugs to calm my mood.

I have not heard from my mother nor any of my relatives yet save for a few – and they were afraid of me.

Sean's parents stopped visiting me the day that Sean left. However, they still continued to pay for my treatment fees. I guessed that they never really did do all these out of care from me. They did it out of charity work and because they knew that Sean would throw a terrible fit if they do not. Truth be told, I knew that Sean's parents hated the fact that their son fell in love with a Schizophrenia girl like me who has taken everything a normal boy has away from him.

I don't blame them for this thought of theirs though because I know the truth of it. The voices too, would always remind me and made sure I was clear of those facts.

15 years has passed and my illness had grown so severe that I had to be locked up in a special kind of room where it can be guaranteed that no harm will befall upon me. Everything was white and soft. Nothing sharp or anything else possible for me to take my own live. My hands were even bounded by chains and cloth to prevent myself from scratching or digging my nails into my flesh.

I've heard the doctors talking about my illness and that all over the world, the chances for a woman to recover from Schizophrenia are extremely slim. It was then I made up my mind that really, I might as well die than continuing suffering like this. "Finally, you've come to your senses Sapphire!" I turned towards the direction of the voices and saw a beast standing there grinning at me. His lips moved and again, I hear the voices, "It had been 15 long years and Sean has not written more than twice. What do you expect from him? To come running back to you?"

Ii gritted my teeth and glared at him. "No, I don't. I also don't need you to remind me of it!" I screamed.

The beast laughed. "Sapphire, Sapphire... Poor little unfortunate thing..."

"Get lost!" I spat, heaving as I began to sweat profusely while stands of my hair clung to my face.

The best shrugged. "Anyway, there'll be a time – a chance for you to do what's right. When that time comes, you know what to do... See you in hell..."

After that, the best disappeared. I fell to my knees and huddled up in the corner of my pure white prison. I thought of Sean and how he promised me that he will be back no matter what and I wondered to myself, how could I have been so foolish to let go of the one thing that holds me together with sanity?

I don't know how many days have passed since the last time I had a conversation with the beast since I could not differentiate when was day and when was night as I saw no sunlight nor moon. But a nurse – probably a new one – had not lock the door properly. She was helping change my clothes but had forgotten to take clean undergarments with her. She had already released my hands from the bond and feeling lazy to bind my hands again, she secretly broke one of the most important safety rules and left me alone with my hands free, thinking tha since I looked to frail and weak, I probably would be harmless especially since they had given me drugs just a few hours ago.

I stared at the door that was slightly opened ajar but not obvious enough for anyone to notice.

"When you go out, you'll see either a pen knife or a scissor. Take either one or both of them for that matter."

For once, I did not mind the presence of the voices. "Would you rather continue suffering like this with no one wanting or needing you? You'll probably ended up old and cripple, a forgotten soul from this world. Why not kill yourself now?"

I stood up. "I know..." I replied. People told me that what the voices saying were just lies but I feel otherwise. They're the only ones who were by my side though all those painful and suffering times. They say the truth without needing to sugar-coat anything at all. They are my friends – my evil yet trustworthy friends – unlike Sean who had really forgotten about me...

Quietly, I touched the cold doorknob and opened the door. No one was nearby but there were a few nurses and probably guards at the far end of the hallway. Quickly, my heart thumping wildly, I looked around. True enough, in front of my room was the information counter of the hospital and lying there were scissors along with other stationeries.

Hurriedly, I fumbled through them and grabbed hold of the sharpest and longest pair of scissors I could find. Suddenly, I heard someone shouting and I whipped my head to the side. I was seen and already, doctors and nurses were running towards me frantically.

Panicking and with the scissors in hand, I rushed back to my room and slammed the door shut. Using all my strength, I pressed my back against the wall and people pounded and hammered against it, calling out my name. I never knew I had such strength in me but I guess when you're so desperate for something, anything is possible.

My clammy fingers wrapped tightly around the scissors. "Do it! Quick! Kill yourself! It's your time now to serve your punishment in hell! Do it!" Urged the voices and they were clearer and louder now than anytime before.

"Sapphire! Open the door please! I'm Sean for god's sake, open up the damn door! Don't do anything stupid!" I heard a man's voice shouting from the opposite side of the door.

My breath caught up in my lungs. Was it really Sean? I asked myself and turned to look at the beast in front of me. The best shook his head and mouthed the word 'Lies'.

I shook my head, wanting to believe that it was really Sean. This made the beast and the voices furious when my strength to black the door weakened. "Don't be foolish you piece of trash! They're saying that just so they could get to you! It's been 15 years! Fifteen years with no more than two letters from him! Just kill yourself already!"

I swallowed the lump in my throat and it was then I found out what was the feeling of pure insanity. Everything doesn't seem to stay still and so many different voices were calling out my name. I couldn't think and I had no whatsoever control over my physical actions. I started to scream and cry, calling out Sean's name, pleading to him in vain to come back to me.

It's been 15 long years and I can't hold onto sanity anymore.

"Saph! Trust me! I'm really here, I'm not lying! I'm Sean, Saph!" the man's voice shouted back and I could also hear that he was crying and sobbing along with me.

"You're lying! Sean would never come back! It's been 14 fucking years damn it! The voices said so!" I shouted back, angry with whosoever had the guts to trick me by using the weakest of my weaknesses.

My defences were weakening and already, the people outside were managing to open the door more each time they tried.

I looked up at the white ceiling as sweat form my forehead flowed down the side of my temples. In the room, the voices and the beast were whispering loudly, "Do it!" while the people from the outside were shouting, "Don't do it!"

I couldn't help but laugh at the two contradicting commands of the people and creatures that owned my life. Who should I listen to? I asked myself. My nasty friends who always told me the truth or the people dressed in white like angels who always tried to 'save' me?

It only took up a second for me to make my decision as I held the scissors with straighten arms directly in front of where the source of my blood was. Adrenaline rushed through my veins as I continued laughing while tears flowed like a torrent of water down my face. This was it, the end to the pathetic life story of a Schizophrenia girl.

At the same time as I felt the sharp blade of the scissors piercing with ever little ounce of force and strength left within me into my heart. When I took the scissors out from my chest, I felt a perverse satisfaction and glee at the searing pain that was so strong that it was probably enough to cover up the emotional pain.

When I tumbled to the ground, I could hear the door bursting open as doctors, nurses and paramedics immediately flooded the room. I was breathing extremely shallowly. It seemed that I missed my heart - probably on purpose- hoping that maybe if it was really Sean, I could be saved since it was not my heart that was destroyed.

I was right. It was indeed Sean. At that moment, I realized that the voices lied to me. I gasped in anger trying to claw at the beast's face that was above me, laughing. Why wasn't anyone trying to take him away even when I keep telling them to do so in between gasps of breath?

"I'm doing this for your own good and probably for Sean's too. The fact that he's here means he's still chained to the miseries of your life! Die and you shall release him! Die if you really love him!" was what the beast had said. After hearing, that, I no longer became angry at him. I stopped trying to claw at him and began to comprehend the beast's words.

"Saph... why did you do this?!" Sean cried out, holding me tightly to his chest. I averted my eyes away from the beast and turned to look at Sean.

"You really did came back for me huh?" I smiled as I looked into his eyes. I saw my reflection in them and I knew I was dying. Too much blood had been spilt and it was too close to my heart.

"Of course I came back for you! That's what I promised!" his voice sounded as if he had lost all hope.

"And for that I thank you." I winced at the pain in my chest and already, a dark cloud was covering my eyesight. "And as a repayment," I began again, knowing that these will be my final words, "now I'm officially releasing you from me. I love you, Sean..."

They say the will to live is one of the most vital things in life and without it, you'll die very easily and fast. I am holding onto this statement of life. Now I'm sincerely giving up the will to live, so please, Satan, take my life and let me die...

-.-.-

I looked at Sapphire's body go limp in my hands as her the dimmest light of life in her eyes dimmed and disappeared. Her body began heavy as she was like a lifeless doll now, laying in my arms with blood covering her white dress with the scissors still in her hand.

I've always felt furious with the staffs of this hospital when I was young because they were always too late. I was the one who was there to save her and I felt that she could always depend on me because I was never too late.

But this time, I was too late.

The only one whom I have loved for my entire life. The one whom I have sacrificed my whole life for, was gone.

At that moment, I remembered the song which she sung the day she managed to persuade me to leave.

To me you'll be forever sacred
I'm dying but I know
Our love will live
Your hand above
Like a dove
Over me
And one day
The sea will guide you
Back to me
Remember
To me you'll be forever sacred
To me you'll be forever sacred

I sung the song in between rasps of breath as I held her dead body tightly against mine. I bent my body over hers protectively and growled at the doctors who tried to take her away from me. With one final howl of rage, sorrow, remorse and torment I knew that I would have to live with this murderous pain of a memory for the rest of my life on earth. That is, unless I decided to meet her in hell sooner that I was supposed to be...

a/N: SO? Which do you like better? Haha...

Thanks to Howl Faith for reviewing! Really happy to have received your review and even happier to know that you've also read my other stories!