mother,

I'm sorry for all the lies that I've let

run off my tongue like raindrops from

the brittle, dying embrace of the winter leaves

that shed themselves from their home, their tree

much like the tears that left your eyes

when I purged my brains out

in the stall at the bowling alley


you know miss ana, and her good friend mia

too well, almost as well as me

but sometimes you don't understand at all

and it's those sometimes when I lie

to protect you from me


I can see the pain in your eyes

when you clean me up after I hurt myself

when you wipe the blood

from my raw and stinging arms

when you wipe the vomit

from my chapped and splitting lips


I know that I am losing you

to this sadness that imbalances our brains

I know that depression is in you too

I can see it

in your fucked up love life

how you base your worth off of their love

which, with you, is never ever enough


I think I killed your god

I know I murdered your daughter

and I know I destroyed his sister beyond repair

I sacrificed your Kaeleigh to anorexia

(and she gobbled her up

because I'm all that she will eat)


11.6.08