Only When I Lose Myself

It's only when I lose myself in someone else
That I find myself
I find myself
It's only when I lose myself in someone else
That I find myself
I find myself

Something beautiful is happening inside of me
Something sensual, it's full of fire and mystery
I feel hypnotized, I feel paralyzed
I have found heaven

There's a thousand reasons
Why I shouldn't spend my time with you
For every reason not to be here, I can think of two
Keep me hanging on
Feeling nothing's wrong
Inside your heaven

It's only when I lose myself in someone else
That I find myself
I find myself
It's only when I lose myself in someone else
That I find myself
I find myself

I can feel the emptiness inside me fade and disappear
There's a feeling of content that now you are here
I feel satisfied
I belong inside
Your velvet heaven

Did I need to sell my soul
For pleasure like this?
Did I have to lose control
To treasure your kiss?
Did I need to place my heart
In the palm of your hand?
Before I could even start
To understand?

It's only when I lose myself in someone else
That I find myself
I find myself
It's only when I lose myself in someone else
That I find my life
I find myself
It's only when I lose myself in someone else
That I find myself
I find myself

--Depeche Mode

I stood across the room watching her, not bothering to make it subtle. She had her head stuck in a book, and no one, not even the teachers, paid attention to her except for me. She didn't pay attention to them either, or me. It made me a little mad, to be honest. She was the one person who seemed to not notice me, to completely ignore me.

She was my total and polar opposite. We were nothing alike, not in race, not in opinions or personality, nothing at all. I think that's why I like her so much, because she's the only person that's really different from everyone else. I went for half of the school year, I saw her, but never really looked at her. She was like everyone else in the crowd. I didn't even know she was in three of my classes, because she was always so quiet, sitting in the back of class alone.

There was nothing that happened that made me notice her either, like you'd read about in some other story. We never talked before, didn't run into each other in the hall or something like that. I just happened to look over my shoulder a couple tables away and see her sitting alone with a dictionary in her lap, bent way over. I thought she was kinda cute, and that it would be one of those one-day crush type things.

That was the first day that I figured out she was in some of my classes. My friend laughed at me when he saw me staring at her, and I shook it off. I had a dream about her that night, which was really weird. The next day, I found myself looking for her in the crowd of busses, staring at her in class and trying to find her in changing periods. I felt a little sinking feeling in my stomach when I couldn't.

My friends didn't really notice much. I figured it would go away soon. I'd never had a crush on anyone for very long. I'd usually just ask them out and break up with them in a week when I'd had enough. There was another girl that had asked me out the day before anyway, and she was pretty hot. That would help me forget about the girl better than anything else.

I found her and asked her out in my next class. I didn't even know her name, and I caught myself glancing over at the quiet girl I'd been watching for the past few days to see if she'd heard. I was hoping that she'd look up, since we were right in front of her desk. I didn't expect her to be jealous; she didn't know my name, either, but

I wished she was. She was still bent over her book, the seat beside her empty. I made it a goal to not look at her once during class. It was harder than I thought it would be, and I could feel my new girlfriend's eyes glued to my back.

We went out for several days, and she really 'liked' me. She laughed at all my jokes, even when I wasn't talking to her, clung to my side and held my hand. She was the same as every other girl I'd dated; I used to not be able to tell the difference. I felt weird whenever she kissed me or hugged me, especially whenever I caught myself staring over her shoulder and looking for the other girl. It's hard to explain, but it felt sort of wrong in away, and I didn't enjoy the attention or jealous stares like I used too. She got really annoying, and eventually I just stopped talking to her and ignored her when she came up to me.

The girl took no more notice to me than she had before, and I had no clue what her name was. None of my friends knew, no one I asked knew, and I started listening extra hard in class to see if my teacher would call on her. I started making it a point to be as loud and obnoxious in class as possible to try and get her attention. She barely looked up, never noticed me staring over my shoulder at her.

After two weeks it got old, and I couldn't take it anymore. I'd never really thought of myself as stuck-up before, but saying this, I guess I am. I'd never had anyone ignore me before, not to want to talk to me. It was a change, and I didn't like it in the least. You can't imagine how frustrating it was.

I'd never actually gotten close to her before. I'd never seen her eyes or heard her voice. She always wore a pair of sunglasses and a big black jacket and never said anything to anyone. I figured that if I got close to her, she'd probably have B.O. or sound like a retard when she talked, or maybe she was ugly up close; something like that. I wouldn't like her anymore. The only way to get it over with and get her out of my head was to go up to her and talk to her since I couldn't get her attention any other way. I was so sure that I wouldn't like her anymore if I did.

So during math, I walked up to her, pulled the chair beside her out and sat down. She didn't even look up. She didn't say much at all, because all I asked were questions, and I eventually gave up. The only words I could get out of her were 'hi', 'Ryan', 'yes' and 'no'. I started regretting not asking her other questions later, like 'what're you classes next semester?' I sat with her in math everyday after that, but she never said any more than the day before. It made me madder.

It got to me, even more than it had been, and I guess I was pretty bad, because my friends started avoiding me. I was sure that Ryan didn't like me at all, and everyday I got that much more nervous around her. It wasn't right, because I wasn't nervous around anyone, I could talk to anyone. My grades dropped too, because all I could think about was her all day. I found it hard to care about anything else.

Ryan paid no more attention to me than she ever did. I started hoping that she might look up from her book, see me and come sit with me. She never did (of course); no matter how much I thought about it.

I strained to ignore her, and stopped sitting with her. It ruined my day less whenever I didn't go near her, I didn't feel like I'd been rejected when she didn't meet my eyes or answer my questions. Then it was like she didn't matter anymore, she left my mind almost completely, and everything seemed normal again. I dated all these girls and made all these new friends. It was a month later when I started noticing that I couldn't recall a single thing from the day before. I had no memory; it felt like I hadn't been there at all.

I started thinking about her all over again, all through the break. She was all I thought about, and it felt nice. It's hard to explain, you can't understand it until it's happened to you. I got a warm feeling in the pit of my stomach, and it was hard not to smile. I replayed her voice in my head like a broken tape, but it didn't sound right, and I imagined her face, but I couldn't get it just right. Her eyes never seemed the right color and her face never seemed pale enough. I figured that I was going to talk to her all I wanted, to make sure she paid attention to me whether she was busy or not. I was going to make her like me one way or another.

At school, we were in the fourth quarter with just the last nine weeks left. It didn't feel like enough time to me and I couldn't find her that morning. I stayed in the hall and watched until I found her. I walked up to her, grabbed her shoulder until she looked at me and said hi. She looked a little surprised to see me.

In class, I sat by her and talked to her, telling her about anything and everything. Every time she tried to stick her head back in her book, I touched her shoulder or her back, until eventually she closed it and kept her attention on me. I stayed with her at lunch, too, and my friends began to sit with us. She ignored them and only paid attention to me.

After the third week, she stopped even pulling her book out of her back-pack, and smiled when I said something she thought was funny. On a Friday, she finally said started her own conversation. It was about a book she'd read at the beginning of the year, Wuthering Heights. She said she'd really liked it, and that if I ever had time, I should read it. I'd always hated reading; but as soon as I got home, I asked my mom to take me to the bookstore and buy it for me. If she liked it, I would too.

I finished it in almost two nights, and barely understood a word of it. I still loved it. I thought of her the entire time. My mom thought it was a strange choice, knowing me, but didn't complain. She was just happy I was reading. When I got back to school, that was all we talked about. She mentioned several other books, and I read every single one of them.

In math, she asked me to tutor her. I'd never hesitated asking someone out before; I'd always been so sure they'd liked me back. It was impossible to tell with Ryan, and even though it was obvious I liked her, I wasn't even sure she really knew. She was hard to read. Not like most girls.

I started thinking pretty hard about it, six weeks before school was out for the summer. We were in the empty library and she was bent over her math homework while I hunched over her. She smelled nice and clean, like she always did, and her blonde hair fell over her shoulder so I could see her neck. She sat back when she was done and looked over at me expectantly until I checked over her paper. It took me longer than it should have since I couldn't keep from looking at our hands so close together. I would have liked to hold hers. I looked up and choked out that she needed to check number five.

She started to rework the problem, and I covered her hand with my own. I helped her rewrite the problem. She nodded her head after a minute whenever she saw what she'd done wrong. I was having trouble controlling my breathing as my heart sped up and my stomach felt queasy. She didn't seem to notice.

When it was five and her parents were coming to pick her up from school, we started talking for a few minutes. It was about some Stephen King book I'd read the night before last, which was all gore and guts; nothing romantic about it.

I didn't think about doing it all before doing it, I just did. We'd never even hugged before, much less held hands. I just leaned forward, grabbed her face between my hands and kissed her. It wasn't quick, even though it felt like it lasted a second, when it must've lasted for minutes. I noticed that she was pretty short and very warm. When I pulled back, her face was messed up. I swallowed hard, and my stomach churned. She didn't like me back. I stepped backwards with my head down. I couldn't look her in the eyes. She shuffled back and I walked out with her, and she kept a good distance between us.

I thought about Ryan the rest of the day and stayed up all that night. Even after being rejected, I wasn't going to give up. I'd decided I still liked her, and there was nothing stopping me from trying again. She would have to push me away before I left her alone. The next day, I found her before the bell rang and crowded her as I talked. She was too nice to ignore me.

She kept her head low and didn't say very much, looking everywhere but at me. Her face had turned red, and she got really still whenever I reached out to touch her shoulder. I didn't leave her alone, and stayed close enough that our shoulders were touching as we walked to class. She shrugged away from me several times, but I didn't give up.

I tried to talk to her twice during class, and the teacher caught me both times. She threatened to move me the third time, so I shut up. I walked her to her next class, and I noticed all the stares for the first time. At lunch, I kept looking over my friend's shoulder to try and find her. I was getting a miserable feeling deep in the pit of my stomach and my hands felt numb. I sat by her in our other two classes, but said nothing. I wasn't sure how to ask her if she still wanted me to tutor her. When the bell rang, I looked over at her carefully and held the door open. She followed me out with her head down. We didn't say much except for when I corrected her.

I tutored her for three more weeks until we only had two left. I should've been happy that she had gotten so good at all her math. But that meant that I didn't need to tutor her anymore, and we didn't talk much at all beside when I was helping her. It was my only real excuse to hang around her anymore, and with only two weeks left, I wouldn't be able to talk to her much at all.

She finished her work early on Friday, and we still had ten minutes before her parents would come and pick her up. We sat in the chairs, looking at the ground and not saying anything to each other. I played with my fingers, glancing at her every five seconds to see if she would say something. Then I just started gushing about what happened all those weeks ago; about how sorry I was. I think I scared her at first, because I just started talking out of no where.

I was so nervous that my voice was about twice as loud as usual and ten times faster. I could barely even understand myself. I clenched my eyes shut a minute before I looked up at her face. It was bright red, her lips pressed together, staring at my knees. She glanced up at the clock and stood. I went with her, feeling lightheaded.

She glanced out the window to look for her parents, and then back to me. Her face was still bright red, and she moved close. She stared at the ground a second, and then grabbed both of my hands in both of hers, leaning forward and pressing a warm kiss on my left cheek before she left, until I caught her and showed her the right way.