Optimal Expressions
Part I – October 2008

AN: Some of you may be familiar with my collection of quotes, "Senioritis". This is kind of like that, except I don't plan on abandoning it. Yay.

I was just going to continue this in "Senioritis", but it somehow didn't seem right, considering I've graduated, and all. So we begin anew.

XxX

Alice: (clawing the furniture)
Luci: I'mma shank you, Cat!
Alice: (runs away)

From "The Midget Story" by Tucker Max, which I was reading to myself, silently, in the middle of a Chuck E. Cheese birthday party.
Tucker: HUNDREDS OF MIDGETS ARE POPPING AND LOCKING!
Tucker: What would you do? WHAT WOULD YOU DO???
Tucker: I know what I did.
Tucker: I got a massive erection.
Luci: (bursts out laughing)
Luci: What the FUCK?
Assorted Children: (big innocent frightened eyes)

(I got abandoned at Chuck. E. Cheese.)
Chuck(the man, not the mouse): Where's Luci?
Michelle: …
(In the meantime, at the Chuck E. Cheese children lost-and-found kiosk thing…)
Luci: I lost my family! They were here and I was reading because you weirdos don't even have DDR and I looked up and it was a whole new group of children there!
Worker: How old are you?

Review: (paraphrasing) I would say that, based on this, your love life is non-existant.
Luci: That's not what this is supposed to say!
Nash: Your love life is non-existant.
Luci: But that's not what this is supposed to say!

Luci and Kevin: (sitting in the living room)
Roxy: (comes out of the bedroom)
Roxy: Hi, Roxy.
Roxy: (goes into the bathroom)
Luci: I think she's a little drunk.
Roxy: I'm making a screwdriver and then going to bed.
(AN: A screwdriver is a drink made with vodka and orange juice.)
Luci: A-ha!

Jess: Do you have a boyfriend?
Luci: No.
Jess: Do you have a girlfriend?
Kevin: No.
Jess: Well, you two are dating now!
Luci: No, we're not!
Jess: Don't disagree with me! You're dating! And it's my fault!

Luci: Is your friend coming with us to the hookah bar?
Kevin: I can't get hold of him.
Luci: Yeah right. You just want to get me alone in my car.
Kevin: Yeah, I just want to seduce you.

Ariane: (gets to her dorm room and sees a huge hole in the ceiling)
Ariane: What happened?
Timber: What do you mean?
Ariane: Timber! There is a HOLE IN THE CEILING!
Timber: Oh. I don't know.

(In the CAMC General ER)
Luci: I want another blanket!
Nurse: You can't have another blanket. You have a fever and we can't trap the heat in.
Luci: (so cold she's crying)
Nurse: (tries to stick Luci with an IV; fails)
Luci:Why would you do that?? YOU'RE EVIL!
Nurse: You're delirious. I understand.
Luci: I HATE YOU!
Nurse: We need to break your fever.
Nurse: (tries again to stick Luci)
Luci: STOP THAT!
Nurse: …
Luci: WHAT?
Luci: ARE YOU LOOKING AT MY SCARS?!
Luci: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT MY SCARS!
Nurse: I'm going to go get some help.
Luci: STAY AWAY FROM ME!

(Three hours later.)
Nurse: How are you feeling now?
Luci: Better. I yelled at you, didn't I?
Nurse: …
Luci: (bursts out crying)
Luci: I'm sorry. I'm sick. And tired. God, I'M SO TIRED!
Nurse: Let's just turn up this IV a little…

Luci: Mmmm… Hydrocodone Elixer. Happiness in a bottle!
Luci: (passes out)
Roxy: Okaaaaay…

XxX

AN: I know this installment was short. But October is over, and I can't remember any more at the moment. Next month will be better. Please continue to read.

Love.
Luci.