A/N: Well I know generally speaking my readers don't know me as much of a comedian or a comedy writer, but I do love romantic comedies so I thought I'd write one for your enjoyment. Please enjoy.
It All Started With A Limo
"Why are you such a loser?"
I rolled my eyes. Sometimes I really fucking hated who I chose to be my friends. I mean, haven't you ever wanted to just jump into a fucking time machine so you could walk up to yourself and say, "Hey you know that girl and that guy over there? I know they look cool but really they're going to make your life a living hell! So back out now before it's too late and you have nothing left in your life but them to mock you."
Yeah, I really wanted to do that right now.
The sound of a bubble popping brought my attention to my other equally crappy friend. "Because he hasn't gotten fucked in like, a year, cause he's a prude." A nerve in my temple twitched.
My first friend gave a wail of a laugh and almost fell off the bank wall he was sitting on. I glared at him with as much intensity as I could muster, hoping that for the first time in the history of the world, someone would die from a death glare. His brown hair stuck straight up on his head, proof that he'd spent the night at some random chick's apartment and hadn't bothered to clean himself up afterwards. Why was I friends with such disgusting people?
Tristan let out a groan and rearranged himself on the wall. "That's true. Which is why he needs to come to this party tonight, right Meems?"
Mimi gave a nod and blew another large pink bubble before it popped. "Yeah he needs some serious dick up his ass so I can stand being around him again."
Ugh! I really hated this. I hated it when they talked about me like I wasn't standing less than a foot away from them. More than that, I hated the whole 'dick up my ass' thing. It was Mimi's favorite phrase. Ever since I told her I was gay in 10th grade it's been "dick up my ass this", "dick up my ass that." The dumb bitch had almost told my mother I was gay by offhandedly mentioning that I was moody and that I, of course, needed some dick up my ass.
Finally, I snapped and stomped my foot on the ground. "Alright! I get it! I'll go to the damn party! Jesus, get off my back! I'm sorry I'm not in a party mood lately considering I'm five months behind on my rent and I could be kicked out any day now."
There was a dangerous flash in Mimi's brown eyes and Tristan's narrowed.
In my rage, I'd sort of forgotten that I hadn't told them about my money problems. While Mimi could be a bitch and Tristan could be a douche, they were also strangely overprotective. Tristan in an underhanded "I'll make your life miserable" kind of way and Mimi in the ever so popular, "If you mess with him, I'll shank you" kind of way. I'd say it was sweet, but mostly it was just creepy.
Mimi stopped popping her gum and put on her, I'm-practically-your-mother-how-could-you-not-tell-me-this face. "You're that behind on your rent? Why didn't you tell us?"
You know, somewhere out there, someone must have found it really impressive that you could go from sounding sweet to accusatory in a millisecond.
I threw my hands up in defeat. "I don't know! I guess I didn't want you guys to worry about me." Tristan snorted and crossed his arms. "I'm serious! Please guys, I'll be ok. I promise. I'm handling it, ok?" They didn't look convinced. "Ok?"
I stepped closer to the both of them, fluttering my eyelashes as I held my hands underneath my chin. As soon as I saw Tristan's grimace, I knew that I looked liked an adorable injured puppy. Just what I was going for. He always broke first. Getting Mimi to break was like trying to get Godzilla to stop attacking Japan, so it was always safer to go after Tristan first.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6…
"Alright! Just stop looking at me like that. I believe you," Tristan broke, wincing away from my puppy dog eyes of cuteness. Sucker. I thought he was done but he turned back towards me, chocolate eyes filled with concern. "Why didn't you tell us earlier though, man? You know we'll help you no matter what."
Why did he have to make me feel so guilty? I'd just been having a mental victory dance and he killed it.
Glancing away, I sighed before I poked at an imaginary stain on the ground with my black and white high-tops. "I don't know. I just didn't want you guys to be disappointed in me. You've always been there for me and you bail me out of shit all the time. It's time I did things for myself. I can do this by myself. I have to do this myself."
Mimi'd been silent for a few minutes so I was already wary of what she would say. For all I knew she'd jump up and slap me in the face like I was her bitch. Surprisingly, she was calm. "I understand. But you should never be too scared to come to your friends if you need help."
Damnit. Stupid words of wisdom. I looked to Tristan for help only to notice that he was nodding his consent. I hated double-teaming. "I know. Let's just forget it ok? I've got it covered. I'm getting my check early today so I can pay two months at once."
Mimi raised a brow before she gave a little sigh. A little sigh of defeat! I resisted the urge to break out into a physical victory dance. I was twenty-one; I really needed to stop doing that and this time Tristan backed me up instead of Mimi. "Yeah let's forget about it and get something to eat. Calen drives!" With that, he jumped up like a six-year old and ran to my 96 silver Volkswagen Jetta.
I didn't understand why everyone always wanted me to drive. I mean, my car was literally falling apart at the seams. Some days I had to take the bus because the back doors wouldn't close! Not to mention the fact that someone had stolen all the stuffing out of the back cushions. Really? The stuffing? If you're going to rob me, take something that makes sense! Don't just slice up my car and leave the rest because no insurance company believes that someone just steals the fluff from your cushions and leaves your radio, believe me.
Regardless of the fact that my car could be labeled as a fluffless deathtrap, we piled in, Mimi in the passenger seat and Tristan in the back's middle seat.
Immediately, Tristan reached forward and turned on the radio. He liked the most obnoxious music, so when a new rap song started blasting about capping bitches and slapping hoes, I wasn't amused.
Tristan started putting his hands up in the air, and yes, waving them like he didn't care but it was my car and my radio and damnit, if we were going to listen to music, it would be shit I liked. So I changed the channel.
He changed it back.
I changed it again. He changed it back again. By the time we were driving down the street I was having a sparring match with Tristan's monster hands and Mimi looked on the verge of ripping our hands off and forcing us to listen to country as punishment.
In retrospect, maybe if I hadn't been so worried about the radio, nothing would have happened.
A country with such freedoms should not have been as ugly as this. If I wanted to stare at piles of trash along street corners, I would have vacationed in a slum.
"Himel are you listening to me?"
I pulled my face away from the limo window to turn to my lawyer, Johann Schmitt. He sat as tense as ever, seemingly waiting for someone to come out of the blue and sue me. The thirty-six year old's black hair was gelled back and his steely black graze was directed towards me. His lips were set in a perpetual sneer.
Poor man. He was only thirty but he looked damn near fifty from stress.
I shook my head gently. "No. Forgive me; my thoughts were in another place. What did you say?" His sneer softened if only a little.
"I said that I think this little vacation of yours is unsound. The business is on the rise, now is not the time for dilly-dallying." I nearly snorted, dilly-dallying? Really? He sounded like my mother. "I know you're hurt Himel. But you cannot allow some whore to stop you from continuing your work. You should never have trusted that street urchin in the first place."
Despite myself, I winced at his words. "Yuri was not a street urchin," I defended my old lover in a whisper and for what? He betrayed me. He was unfaithful, I had done nothing wrong, that I knew of, and yet I felt so inadequate as a result of his abandonment. Why?
Johann turned red from anger and I had no difficulty believing that the man took three different types of pills for high blood pressure at the sight. "He was a street urchin! You gave him everything and what did he give you? A few slaps on his backside for money while the rest of the town was getting it for free! You're lucky he just left you with a broken heart and not…Herpes!"
There was a long silence in the car before I started laughing. It started off as a soft chuckle and then it escalated into hysterical giggles. I didn't even know why it was so funny, maybe because it was true? Regardless, I was doubled over in laughter, clutching my stomach as tears began to form in my eyes.
Johann apparently thought I'd gone insane and teetered back and forth, reaching out towards me and then backing away. "Himel?"
"Oh… Herpes!" I could barely breathe I was laughing so hard. I bet Yuri must have laughed this hard every time I left him and he could sleep with another man.
I was laughing so hard that I thought I might have suffocated as a bright white flash shot through my eyes before my body was thrown onto the limo floor. What the hell?
"Scheiße!" Johann cursed, picking himself up after being thrown to the ground as well.
The window of the limo rolled down and the driver, pale and sickly in appearance gulped at the sight of us.
"What the hell happened?!" Johann demanded, a thick vein protruding from his skull.
"I'm sorry sir, erm this car came out of nowhere and hit us. Are you alright Mr. Aldercyde? Mr. Schmitt?"
"Do we look like we're fucking alright?" The driver winced and turned away, getting ready to get out of the vehicle, but Johann beat him to it, leaving me in a heap on the floor. Rather than help me up, he turned back to me and offered a few words of wisdom. "Stay in the car. I'll handle this." He adjusted his suit and slammed the door behind him. He was always kind enough to ask me my thoughts before he went and did something ridiculous…
I pushed myself up on all fours and crawled to the window, amazed that it was still intact. Johann was screaming at the idiot driver, but he was blocking them from view. I could see there were two passengers, an African-American girl and a messy looking boy who was rubbing his neck as if in pain.
Squinting, I attempted to peer around Johann to see who the driver was. I was curious to see the asshole that had almost killed me. It was probably some senior citizen who was unwilling to let go of his expired license.
Strangely, the accident had blasted feelings of self pity right out of me. I felt empowered again and the desire to punish the deserving rose up within me and I'd start with this American. I would step out of this limo and let him know that he'd just hit the car of one of the richest men in Europe and watch his eyes nearly pop out of his skull, before Johann and I made him seriously regret his decision to drive like an asshole.
Johann finally moved and I saw the driver.
He was not a senior citizen. Nor did he look like an asshole. Nor did I want to enact my vengeance on him any longer.
He had me breathless. I was reminded of the way I felt when I first saw Yuri, back when I was so unconfident and unsure of myself, when his radiant cerulean eyes made me stutter and my hands shake. Back when I felt so alive, when I didn't have to run away from home to find some semblance of peace.
Gorgeous green eyes lie in olive skin surrounded by wild black hair, his lips were set in a delicious pout and his lithe body wiggled as he motioned to the limo and to his own car. For the first time since I had learned of Yuri's betrayal I felt desire fill me.
I had to have him.
His pouting lip quivered again and his hand suddenly covered his face as he shook his head. He was upset. Well, I couldn't have that, not after I'd just concocted the perfect plan to have him and solve our problem with the damaged limo.
Running a hand through my hair, I popped open the door.
The collision slammed all the air out of my lungs. It only took a split second but it felt like my body would ache for an eternity. Heart pounding in my chest, I opened my eyes and immediately freaked at the amount of glass that covered me. My hand hit into Tristan's chest, if we hadn't been sparring and my arm hadn't been in the way, he could have flown out of the window shield. Turning, my eyes found Mimi's who was desperately holding onto her seatbelt, her body shaking as she tried to hold her shit together.
I nodded numbly at Tristan's question and Mimi murmured some form of agreement.
My arm felt like it had been hit by a ton of bricks from where Tristan collided and my fingers on my opposite arm felt broken as they dug into the steering wheel. I'd never been in a car accident before. I was freaked. It took me a minute to take my hand off the steering wheel and unbuckle my seat belt because I was shaking so badly.
The back of the car was in the best condition since it was a head on collision, so Tristan left the car first and I was relieved when he came around my side and helped me slip out from where the front end had compacted. My legs could have been crushed. Talk about a sobering moment. We all could have died and over something as stupid as rap music.
Mimi worked herself out of the car silently before she joined us. For a moment we all stood and looked at the Jetta.
The front end was crushed beyond recognition, as smoke billowed from her engine. She was totaled. And the fucking limo I'd hit? Yeah, it had a dent in it. And I mean a dent. The shit was so small I almost couldn't believe it. I'd almost died, my friends had almost died, and the fucking car was dented? What the hell was it made out of? Adamantium?
"Fuck," Tristan said after a while. I could only nod my agreement and Mimi brushed off the remaining glass from her clothes and out of her curly hair. "We could have died." I nodded again. Fuck had pretty much summed it up.
"Are you a fucking idiot?!"
What the hell? I turned around to see a nasty looking guy coming at us. I imagined he was the passenger of the limo, since the driver was just coming out of the hummer right then. The pissed off old guy came to a stop in front of us and Tristan and Mimi backed off, giving the man clear knowledge that I was the driver. Traitors.
Glaring at Tristan, I watched as he rubbed the back of his neck in apology. The least they could have done was stand next to me, they didn't have to talk. This guy looked like he was going to have a fucking coronary or kill me or something he was so red.
"Err I-" I tried to explain.
"Err! Err!" He screeched and I took a step back. Just my luck, I'd almost killed a psycho. "Idiot! Look at what you've done!"
Obviously I could see it. Shit I could feel it. The seatbelt had practically strangled me to death. "Look I'm sorry but-"
He gave a malevolent laugh, like a cartoon villain on the verge of a monologue. My eyes darted towards Mimi and Tristan, who apparently thought the guy was as crazy as I did, judging by the looks on their faces. "You're sorry? Sorry? Sorry isn't enough for the damage that you've caused!"
Damage? I'm sorry was he looking at my car? Cause the limo looked pretty much the fucking same.
"Look man, I'm sorry. I admit I'm in the wrong but look at your car compared to mine. I mean, can't we just figure out a way to handle this?" I pointed at my car, which really looked as if it could go up in flames at any minute and to the shiny white limo which glittered in the sun. "I mean what's this going to cost me a few hundred dollars?"
He snorted with laughter. "A few hundred? Are you insane? We want $13,000 minimum."
"$13,000?!" That wasn't even me that was Mimi. As soon as I head the number I almost fell over in shock. My lip shook and I covered my face with my hand. I didn't even have $1,300 let alone $13,000! "Bitch are you crazy?"
The guy looked a bit taken aback at being called a bitch, before he crossed his arms. "No I am not crazy. The price is sound. You've damaged the car, not to mention the physical and emotional trauma you've placed on myself, the driver, and my client. Not only that, but you have also damaged the reputation of the driving service. But let me guess why you're bitching about it, you don't have insurance?" He smirked.
Ok, so I didn't have insurance, but that wasn't the point! The point was that the price was freaking insane! "I'm not paying you that much!"
"Oh you want to take this to court? Let's see, druggie teenager and gang crash into shiny white limo in the middle of the daytime with no insurance, who do you think is really going to win here?"
Wait, did he just call me a druggie?! He didn't even fucking know me and Tristan and Mimi were my gang? Alright, I'd had about enough of this.
"First off asshole, I don't do drugs and there's no way in hell a court would make me pay that much. The fucking car has a dent in it. A dent! It doesn't even look like someone pelted it with fucking cantaloupe! I'll pay two thou' at most but that's it."
"No. The price doesn't drop. $13,000 or we ask for higher." Oh my God! This asshole! I wanted to wring his fat neck! And another thing, why did he keep saying we? Was he hearing voices or was that just his other personality he was accounting for?
Behind me, Tristan wasn't helping. "Shit dude, we should have just taken off. I told you Mimi, we should have just ran!" I rolled my eyes, well maybe if someone had told me that plan I wouldn't be sitting here trying to argue with a moron.
"Perhaps we can think of an alternative to paying at all?" A new, deep sexy voice questioned. Wait? What was I thinking? Who cared if his voice reminded me of the sex my life lacked? It didn't matter right now because he was my angel sent straight out of heaven to keep me from going broke for all eternity! Not to mention he was a sexy angel with his medium-length black hair and the brightest blue eyes I'd ever seen, with the body of a model and skin like porcelain. Well, minus the sexy stubble on his face. Oh shit I think he said something to me!
"What?" Crap, I sound like a love sick school girl and even more crap Mimi noticed. She's looking at me like I'm gum on the bottom of her hideous Ugg boots.
He chuckled deeply, the sound a sexy rumble. I think I'd applied the word sexy to him five times in a period of three seconds.
"I was wondering if you'd like another alternative to paying the fee that my lawyer has thought up." I realized that I liked the guy even more when he glared at the stuck up lawyer.
Tristan hit me in the back so hard I almost fell over. "Say yes!" He whispered in probably the worst whispering voice the world had ever heard. Obviously I was going to say yes, I wasn't an idiot.
I bit my lip and was horrified to taste blood when I did. I'd split my lip. I was bleeding in front of hot angel guy! Somehow I managed to recover. "I would really appreciate it, sir. That's a lot of money for me."
Sexilicious, as I had named him in my head, nodded while his lawyer looked at him like he was crazy. Ha! Guess I didn't look like a crackhead to the man who was paying his bills, now did I?
"I'm only in town for few weeks and I find myself in need for companionship. However, one night with you would be more than enough to sate such a small fee."
Somewhere above us, a crow squawked.
He wanted me to sleep with him instead of paying him the money? Did I look like a prostitute? I couldn't believe that I thought he was hot! He was obviously more of a douche than even his lawyer. Hell, even the old guy looked at the man like he was a douche. Sexilicious had now become Douche-alicious.
I don't think I'd ever been so angry in my life. "You mother fucking-" I was cut off as my supposed friends covered my mouth and dragged me a little ways away. "What the hell?! I was about to tell that guy off."
Tristan ran a hand through his hair. "Alright man, just hear me out here. You're poor." Well gee, thanks I didn't know that. "He's obviously rich. I mean you only have to sleep with him once and you're out of this. Maybe you should just do it?" Had he lost his fucking mind?
Mimi thought so. "Hell no! He's not going to sleep with that guy! You don't know what's wrong him, he could be some sort of psycho! What if one night with Calen is peeling off his skin and eating it?"
Tristan and I both winced at that. Sometimes Mimi had the worst imagination. On the other hand, I didn't want to have my skin peeled off and eaten either! Even if it was by sexy lips…No! Stop being attracted to him, stupid hormones!
Somehow, though I may never know how, Tristan shook off what Mimi said. "I don't think he's that kind of guy." Right, because we can recognize cannibals just by looking them in their gorgeous blue eyes…Damnit! "I mean it's like that one movie that my mom really likes where the chick fucks the guy for a million bucks." He paused before his fingers cupped his chin and a pensive expression came over his face. "Except, you know rather than gaining anything out of this you'll just be paying off a debt, but at least you might have a good time."
I hated Tristan. I really, really did. There was no way that I was going to whore myself out to this guy over a freaking dent in a limo. Giving a huff, I pushed the brunette back and stood tall in front of the douche and his lawyer.
I know it wasn't classy and that I was imitating some sort of anime cartoon, but I didn't care at the time. I pointed straight in his face with a sneer. "Look, I'm not having sex with you. I don't know what fucked up place you came from but people here, we don't do that kind of shit."
"Actually we do in some parts of Nevada," Tristan supplied.
I'm glad Mimi said it before I did. "Shut the fuck up, Tristan."
Crazy rich guy, however, didn't look apologetic as he blinked at me as if I spoke some language he didn't understand. "Do you know who I am?" He asked curiously.
"All I really need to know is that you're an asshole." He looked slightly taken aback by my practical snarl. Good. I was glad that I intimidated him.
He opened his mouth, likely to tell me his name but I shut him down by turning to his lawyer. "Look I can't pay you the $13,000 right now but…I can make payment arrangements, alright? I just want to be done with this." Digging into my pocket, I pulled out a crumpled Benjamin and held it out, but Tristan's hand closed over mine.
I looked at him as if he were insane. The idiot couldn't still want me to sleep with this guy! Glaring at him, I was shocked to the point of rearing back at the passion that burned in his eyes as he stared down the middle-aged lawyer.
"I'm not letting you pay that off by yourself, Calen. The accident was as much my fault as it was yours." His hand lifted off of mine and the three hundreds that he pulled out of his bank were in the middle of my palm.
Great. Now I was going to cry. "Tristan…" The stupid jock winked at me, he was never serious about these sorts of things and so he could never realize how much this meant to me.
Mimi gave a little cough before she waved an envelope in front of my face. "It's just as much my fault as it is yours. I should have stopped you idiots before this even happened. So, I guess when I cash my check you can have it. Then we'll have about $2,300 to pay for this month."
"Mimi…" Did I say that I hated them in the beginning of this? Well scratch that part out, I had the best friends the world over. Just as I was about to break into tears a stupid, sexy voice ruined the moment.
"No," he was shaking his head when I looked over at him. Hey wait, when did he get that close? He was right in front of me, and touching my hand, forcing my arm to curl back into my chest. His blue eyes were intensely focused on my green. I gulped slightly.
There was a movement in the corner of my eye and I noticed Tristan stumble. Hey! Did he just push my friend? That bitch! However my insult turned into a pathetic squeak as the guy's arm came around my waist and pulled me into his chest. "I don't want your money. I want you and I always get what I want."
I stared. Mimi stared. Tristan stared. The lawyer's eyes just about bulged out of his head. Cars honked and people screamed.
Was he seriously doing this in the middle of the fucking street?!
What. The. Hell.