She Will Be Loved
We met two years ago. The first time our eyes met, sparks were just flying, not because of love at first sight but because of the physical attraction. But nothing happened that night, much to my disappointment and probably his.
We met a couple of times again and the sexual tension was just intense. And then one night at a party, when neither of us could take it anymore, I had sex with him.
Since then, we'd been what people these days would call fuck buddies.
So there I was in his bed, lying next to him. He had his strong arms wrapped around me and his head was tilted to the side, nuzzling my neck. I turned to him and shuffled so I could see his face properly. My hands wandered to trace his perfectly chiselled face and then I sighed.
It wasn't long before I couldn't take it anymore.
Tears started falling.
"You know…" I started, noting the fact the he was breathing rhythmically. "Someone proposed to a friend of mine yesterday." A few more tears fell. "I was there. I saw every bit of it," I continued telling, though I knew he wasn't listening. "I saw how the guy fell down on his knees and asked the question most girls want to hear."
I tried to wipe the tears. It was useless, though, as more tears started falling down. "I didn't really think much about it because I know that will never happen to me." I let my hand rest on his well-set cheekbones. "Maybe someone will propose to me one day too. But he's not the person I would want to marry, I know that for sure," I said sadly.
My thumb touched his lips. "I probably sound stupid right now." I laughed bitterly. "But who cares, right? It's not like anyone's listening."
I stayed silent for a while then continued, "My friend called that night." I started. "She told me I deserved someone better than you. She said if only I wasn't so stupid, I would be engaged by now like her." I paused for a while, not knowing what to say next. "But she's wrong, you know," I finally said.
"I'm probably not making any sense," I continued. "But who cares, right?"
"She also told me that if I ever wanted to get married, I should marry someone who loves me more than I love him." I sobbed and I pulled his arms tighter around me.
"I'll miss you, you know? But I need to do this for myself. I'm not getting any younger."
I kissed his lips with my tear-stained ones. I knew this wouldn't wake him up. He was a heavy sleeper.
"Did you know?" I asked his sleeping form. "You were my first." I waited for any expression from him though it was pretty stupid for me to do so.
"And my only," I added silently.
"As much as I wanted it to remain that way, I can't." I wept. "I want to grow up."
"I don't deserve you. I want to but I don't." I paused and cried once more. "You deserve someone better than me." My eyes were starting to sting from the tears. "I'm just a stuck up girl who relies on her parents for everything. I have no future. You have everything ahead of you."
"You may have all the money, too; you may have been raised just the way I was raised, but you have something that I don't." I choked back the tears. The truth really hurts. "You have dreams."
"And I don't." I stared at his face for a couple of seconds. This was probably the last time I would see him. I was trying to imprint in my head as much detail of his perfect face as possible.
"It's been two years since we first met. I hope it would take the same time for me to forget you."
I looked at the clock. It was four in the morning. Just a few more hours, then I'd be gone. Gone in his life.
"But you know what?" I tried to say with conviction though my words sounded broken. "I think my friend is right."
Then he shuffled.
But he just snuggled closer to me and it prompted more tears. "I do deserve someone better than you."
I was lying. But I hope this would make it just a little bit easier.
I stayed silent for while, just letting the tears flow freely. Thinking of the words to say to try to convince myself that this was the right thing to do. Even though it was so painful.
Then I spoke up again. "I do deserve someone better than you," I repeated. "I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be taken care of," I said silently.
"I think I realized that yesterday. That's why I'm doing this."
"But you know what?" I found his arm and entwined our hands was no point in lying. It would still hurt, I realized.
"Deep down inside me, I know it's not the truth." I paused to let my breathing calm down. "I know it's the other way round."
"I know that it's you who deserve someone better than me." I brought our entwined hand together to give his hand a kiss.
"I also know that I can never be happy if it isn't because of you," I choked as more tears fell.
"I know it's you that I want to take care of me," I ended silently.
"But I will never deserve any of this," I continued. "I'm just a dumb rich girl who's a waste of life." I let go of his hand and let it lay on my stomach.
"I saw you the other day." He shuffled some more so I paused. He shifted and lay on his back. His arms were not around me anymore. I looked up to the ceiling. His breathing was still even so I just continued. "You were talking to this girl."
"She was probably a law student like you." I wasn't crying anymore. I wondered if I ran out of tears. "It hurt, you know," I informed him. "And it still does."
"Especially when you held her hand." I remembered the pain that slashed through me as I recall the events. "I couldn't take it so I left."
"Just like now. I can't take it anymore, so I'm leaving."
He shuffled again and turned to me. He put his arms around me and shifted closer. I took it as a sign that he was still asleep. He had always been like a child when he sleeps. He had always liked someone sleeping next to him.
I remembered our first time when he wouldn't let me leave right after we had sex. He basically trapped me in his arms so I had no choice but to stay until morning. He said he didn't like sleeping alone. So I stayed and he held me all night. How could you not fall in love with a guy like him?
"So yeah…" I finally said. I wanted to say so much more but I knew it would take me forever to voice out everything I've kept bottled up inside me over these past two years. "I guess this is it." I removed his arms from me and I felt the absence I would live with the rest of my life.
"I love you," I whispered as I gave him one last kiss.
But before I could fully stand up and leave, an arm snaked around me and held me still. Then I heard him whisper.