Tonight I've fallen & I can't get up

I need your loving hands to come and pick me up

& every night I miss you, I can just look up

and know the stars are

holding you, holding you, holding you tonight.


Today was supposed to be their first year anniversary but she wasn't here any more and it was all his fault. If only he tried his best to let her stay with him that terrible night, if only he managed to convinced her to stay with him, she could have been here with him right now, celebrating their first year anniversary.

He'd only known her for eight months but he felt like he'd known her his entire life, he remembered the first time they met, she spilt her coffee on him and they started talking and exchanged phone numbers, after their meeting they stayed up late every night talking and asking each other million questions all about their lives. After two months of getting to know her, he finally asked her out and what a date it was.

He remembered their first date like it happened only yesterday, she wasn't like the girls he used to go for it. She was simple yet mesmerising, funny and wonderful, she didn't complain when he took her out to a diner instead of an expensive restaurant, in fact for the whole eight months he'd known her he'd never once heard her complain about their relationship and he loved her for that. He remembered taking her on a romantic ride around the town, they shared secrets and their phobias as he parked his car by the beach.

He remembered their first kiss, it was so powerful that he still dreamt about it every night. He missed her voice, he missed her touch. God dammit, he missed everything about her. He missed her smile, her kisses, her cute giggle and the way she called his name. If only he had the power to bring her back, he would have done it six months ago.

He was so convinced she was the one for her, the girl he was going to marry someday but fate had other plans and took her away from him. She was always there for him, when his parents got divorced he thought his life was over but she came along and told him everything was going to be all right. She was his angel and he had no idea how he was going to live without her.

Every night since...she left... was hell, the only time he could feel her was in his dreams and sometimes he wished he wouldn't wake up but as his mother always tell him, life must go on. He wished it would but his life had left him and he could not just go on.

He couldn't take it any more; he needed to be with her. He grabbed a bottle of vodka he'd been drinking since this morning and started to walk out of his room. It was already 10 o'clock and his mother was already fast asleep in the living room, he walked over to her and kissed her cheeks. She stirred and slowly woke up and smiled at him.

"Go back to sleep mum," he told her, she nodded and closed her eyes "I'm sorry," he whispered as he walked away, he saw her mother's roses and took them off the vase.

He opened the door and left. One hand carrying three roses and the other his bottle of vodka.

The night was cold, it was going to rain. He was shirtless but he didn't care, even though the alcohol had fucked up his head, he knew where he was going. He was going to her, tell her how he felt even if it was too late. He made her way to the cemetery and found her name, it was under an angel statue.

He ran his hand over her name and tears started to fall uncontrollably. "Why leave me?" he sobbed, "You promised we'd be together forever so why did you?"

The sky roared and rain started pouring but he didn't move, he knelt in front of her and cried, drinking his bottle of vodka once in a while. He was soaking, his vodka soon tasted like tears and rain.

"I missed you, you know. Tonight's supposed to be our first anniversary, remember?" he wiped the tears and bent his head down and kissed her name. "These are for you, I love you and I miss you so much." he placed the roses on the the ground and he closed his eyes.

He remembered what happened that night before she died, it was the first time they made love and it was one of the most unforgettable moments of his life. The last time he saw her alive was when she got in her car to go home, he had asked her to stay over as it was raining and it was late but she insisted, saying she needed to go home and finish her assignments. He offered to drive her home but she said it was too late and they had school the following day. An hour after seeing her drove off, he received a call from her mother telling her that his beloved girlfriend was in a car crash.

He remembered running under the rain and arriving at the hospital, soaking. He demanded to see her but it was too late. Her mother was there and she had hugged him as she cried. It was too late. It was too late. The doctors explained to him and her parents that she had died on her way to the hospital, she had an internal bleeding and she lost a lot of blood. The driver of the other car who crashed into her was drunk but he was still fighting for his life.

He thought how unfair it was, his girlfriend didn't do anything wrong but she was the one who had to die while this drunk bastard broke the law and had to live. He remembered the moment they told her that she died, he wanted to die too but he couldn't leave his mother alone. He had thought about committing suicide for the past six months but his mother was the reason he couldn't. He couldn't leave her not after her divorce was finalised. Before coming tonight, he had written his mother a letter of apology and an explanation of what was happening to him. He told her everything, how much he loved her and not to worry. He had told her that she shouldn't lose hope and she should be happy for him as he'd finally found his happiness, he'd asked her if ever something happened to him tonight, he wished to be buried right next to his girlfriend. He hoped his mother would understand.

But now, he couldn't take it any more, every night he dreamt of her. At her funeral, he'd lost the will to live, seeing her beautiful face behind that glass coffin, he had wanted to kiss those pale lips hoping it would wake her up just like from Snow White, her favourite fairy tale story she'd told him about.

He hadn't been to see her since the week after the funeral, people told him to move on; they told him that there was no point of grieving and wishing for her to come back so he never visited her. He had tried his best to move on but every time he drove past the cemetery, he had to fight hard to control his urge to come and see her grave.

He chuckled to himself and looked at her name again, "God,'re the first girl to make me cry. This sucks, I never knew living without you would hurt so much. Every day, when I realize I can't see you any more I feel like my chest is going to explode. I'm sorry for being a bad boyfriend, I should have tried my best that night to convince you to stay, I love you and because I promise to be with you forever, I'm not breaking that promise,"

He cough and shivered. The air was getting colder, he emptied the bottle and slammed it against the cement, it smashed. Holding a sharp piece of glass, he laid down on the ground next to her grave, he picked up one of the roses and kissed it and pressed it against his naked chest and then with his other hand holding the sharp glass, he slit his wrist and the bleeding started.

At exactly 12 o'clock, the cemetery church bell rung and it was when he breathed his last breath, his heart stopped beating and it was when he would soon meet her and be with her forever. Tonight.

Please tell me if there are some grammar or spelling mistakes. =P

I honestly cried while writing this. :) hope you like it. it's very emo-ish.

much love,

Lady K.