I hate...

life.

love.

hate.

heartbreak.

hurt.

falling out of love when the other is still deeply in it.

still being deeply in love when the other is falling out of it.

being ignored.

being alone when you need someone there, but not really wanting anyone there.

when you need that someone there, and they're nowhere to be found.

when the only other person you want there is half a country away.

being unable to do what you love anymore, because everything you do reminds you of them.

being unable to listen to music you once loved, because whether or not you shared it, the words and the melodic phrases remind you of one thing or another.

being unable to paint and draw without pain being brought into it.

being unable to write about anything but.

being unable to watch your favorite movies or enjoy them anymore because it's all you think about.

being unable to hate them no matter how much they make you hurt.

being unable to despise them in any way no matter how much they make you hurt.

being unable to stay mad at them the second they return your call.

loving them so unconditionally even when they don't deserve it.

feeling helpless.

being helpless.

feeling weak.

being weak.

lies, unintentional or otherwise.

broken promises, unintentional or otherwise.

being unable to forget.

being unable to ignore.

being unable to get passed something quickly.

being unable to stay stable and under control to some extent.

being unable to end it all because you know that, despite how much you want it all to be over, it'd be a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

knowing that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, but you're still stuck in the dark walkway and nowhere near the end yet.

losing it and flipping your lid.

uncontrollable crying.

needing a hug.

needing in general.

needing and wanting what you can't have.

needing and wanting what's bad for you.

needing and wanting something when you deserve better.

knowing you deserve better and not wanting better.

calls, messages, and texts that are not returned.

being clingy.

being needy.

not being fun enough.

not being cool enough.

not being intelligent enough.

not being enough.

being the only one who still needs the other.

wishing on stars and 11:11 PMs and dandelion-wishing flowers when you know it won't make a damn difference.

dreams.

waking up in the morning knowing things are the same and not what you want them to be anymore.

knowing things will never be the same again.

.

.

.

.

.

everything.


November 29, 2008

Author's Note:
I am very aware that I did not follow normal grammatical rules (case in point: capital letters and complete sentences). When you just need to get something off your chest, those things are generally not at the top of your "Most Important Things To Get Down" list, as many people may know, I'm sure. In my case, that's heartbreak for ya ): Writiing it down this way (despite my usual grammar nazi ways) just...makes it more real, more relatable, to me.