Another Astronomically Epic Battle, Starring Theseus

As Theseus, Ariadne, and Phaedra disembarked from their gilded vessel onto the land of Athens from another epic battle, they were greeted by a joyous conglomeration of Athenians. The mass let out a festive roar of approval and pride in their great king. Pushing their way through the crowd, the royal trio smiled and waved, even though all they wanted was an exceptionally long nap. Finally, they reached their palace.

"Home sweet home," Phaedra remarked as cheerfully as she could muster.

"I'm ready for a nice cup of cocoa!" groaned Theseus.

They opened the gold-plated double doors, and the lavish room extended beyond them. With all of his enemies vanquished, Theseus could finally relax on his throne of rose petals and banjo strings. Phaedra proceeded to take her nap upon her bed of bluegrass sheet music and industrial-grade carpeting. Theseus was dozing a little (although he looked immensely heroic as he dozed), when BAM!

The double doors of his palace chamber were heaved open. Ariadne, on her throne of purple vinyl and cubic zircona, gasped. It was the brother of Procrustes, the innkeeper, come for gruesome revenge!

"You have killed my brother and nephews!" he roared. "Now I, Pocrustyo, will vanquish you all!" As soon as his name was mentioned, Phaedra fell ill from laughing so violently. That angered Theseus all the more.

"Your absurd moniker has caused my maiden to fall ill! I, Theseus, must have revenge!" With that, he leapt from his throne. Ariadne rose delicately.

"Stay back, my fair Ariadne!" shouted Theseus heroically. "I must slay this foul being!" But Ariadne would have none of that. She was a modern woman, and no man was going to hold her down! Fueled by rage at the male-dominated society we live in and her prescribed gender role, she opted to fight valiantly against her foe alongside her husband.

The epic battle commenced. Theseus hit Pocrustyo on the head, and Ariadne tripped him. The royal duo joined forces to deliver a double roundhouse kick-punch combo to Pocrustyo, and he was down for the count.

"We have slain this foul beast, dear maiden! You have fought valiantly aside me!" said Theseus. The Athenians rushed the Palace and carried Theseus and Ariadne on their shoulders throughout the city. Theseus was recognized (as usual) as a hero, and Ariadne was recognized (finally) as a human being instead of just a beautiful princess (though all the palace guards agreed she was pretty smoking..).

Everyone lived happily-ever-after, except for Pocrustyo, but he was the villain, so it was okay.