A/N: This is technically considered an epic poem (one I wrote for AP Senior English Class), but I classified it as fiction because; well, it's fictional. Just a cute dorky story. Tell me what you think [:
The Quest to Protect Victoria's Secret
Once upon a time, there was a foul smelling kingdom riddled with rancid-scented underpants and sad-smelling socks. The dirty undergarments lived for years in a harmony of horrible odor, free from the torturous labors of laundry day.
There was plenty to do in the Land of the Loom – for instance, a favorite game of the socks was to separate and hide in ridiculous places, like between the cushions of the couch or the toilet tank, so as to confuse the Great Humans. Every sock had a shoe to sleep in; all undershorts had a drawer to call home.
In all the land, there was only one garment that didn't reek of skid marks or sweaty toes – and that was the Queen Thong, Victoria. How she managed to smell so fresh day after day without ever being washed was an utter mystery. Every sock inquired, all the undies wondered, but no one knew. Only Victoria knew, for it was her greatest secret.
One day, while all the dirty socks and boxers were going about their business, a beautiful, fresh smell wafted by, a scent so clean it made them shiver. When they all looked up from their duties, they were astounded to find – their greatest enemies, King Tide and Queen Spray 'N Wash, marching down the stairs into their realm! The filthy garments screeched in horror and began running around in a mad panic. They did not stop until the Detergent Duo reached the heart of their stinky city.
"We wish to speak with Queen Victoria," King Tide boomed. "We long to know her precious secret!"
All the garments gasped; finally, the nervous chatter was broken by Queen Victoria's brave husband, King Adidas Sock.
"Impossible," cried King Adidas, "Victoria reveals her secret to no one!"
At this, one of King Tide's sons, a Tide-to-Go Pen, attacked the stinky King Adidas and scrubbed him until his threads were bare and white as snow. The pen tore a hole right through the king's heel, and he sank to the floor, torn and defeated.
"Adidas!" Victoria cried – but it was too late.
"Queen Victoria," continued King Tide as though nothing had happened, "if you do not tell us your secret, we will be forced to sabotage your entire town. We will wash every garment until their threads are worn through and they are rendered ridiculously clean, but useless. We cannot have a garment smell so fresh without ever being washed – it's bad for business!"
Queen Victoria was stunned. Finally she said, "I need to think. I will send one of my men to negotiate tomorrow."
"Very well," said Queen Spray 'N Go. "We will hear from you tomorrow." And with that, the Royal Detergents and their Tide-to-Go Army retreated back up the stairs.
"Whatever will I do," Queen Victoria sobbed. "My husband is dead and I cannot bear to reveal my secret! Who will protect the Land of the Loom?"
The socks and boxers mumbled, but no one would step up to the plate. Finally, a brave pair of men's undershorts spoke up.
"I'll do it," he said courageously, "with help from my friend, Hanes."
"Who are you," asked Queen Victoria.
"Joe. Joe Boxer."
Joe Boxer and his best friend Hanes laid out an elaborate plan to negotiate with the Detergent Duo; if all else failed, they would rely on battle. They would have an army of dirty Nike Socks hang back and wait for the signal that meant attack.
The next day, Joe Boxer and his good friend Hanes set out for their dangerous journey up the stairs and into the Clorox Closet, with the smelly army of Nike Socks close behind. Finally they arrived at the sterile kingdom.
"Ah, you must be from the Land of the Loom!" King Tide boomed. "I wondered what that ferocious smell could be."
"I am Joe Boxer, and this is my good friend, Hanes. We have come to tell you that we refuse to reveal Victoria's Secret!" Joe announced. The King grumbled.
"How about this. If you tell us how Queen Victoria manages to smell so fresh without ever being laundered, I will give you and your friend a magic detergent; you need only wash once, and you will both look and smell newly store-bought and fresh forever. How does that sound?"
This idea was very tempting to Joe, who did not particularly like smelling like sweat, and because he had an outstanding stain on his left buttock region – but he would not be bargained with!
"No," cried Joe. "We will NOT reveal Victoria's Secret!"
"So be it!" cried King Tide, and he motioned to his army of Tide-to-Go Pens. But before the pens could close in, Joe Boxer unbuttoned his fly and jumped up and down – the signal! Instantly, swarms of stinky Nike Socks closed in from every corner! The battle between dingy and fresh was violent – the socks tipped over every bottle of detergent and cracked the pen caps; the pens rubbed the socks until they were threadbare and useless.
Joe Boxer and Hanes fought with all their might, but Hanes made the tragic error of turning his back on an angry King Tide. Instantly King Tide drowned Hanes in gooey blue detergent, and the pens jumped in and scrubbed Hanes to a fatal oblivion. Joe howled and jumped on King Tide – he knocked him over, spilling all his fresh blue contents onto the floor.
The fighting immediately ceased – the pens were aghast at the fall of their great king. Joe Boxer finally said, "You have killed my friend, and now I have killed your king. Fighting will get us nowhere – you will never know Queen Victoria's Secret. Please leave the Land of the Loom in peace."
Joe scooped up Hanes' remains and carried him down the stairs to give him a proper burial. Upon his return, the entire Land of the Loom celebrated his victory over the Clorox Closet and the best kept secret of their queen. Still, Joe Boxer was very sad for the loss of his friend.
Queen Victoria noticed this and said, "Please do not be sad, Joe Boxer. You have done a great deed to protect your queen and your country. You have proven to be very brave – brave enough to be the new King of the Loom."
With that, Joe Boxer and Queen Victoria married, and Joe became King of the Loom. The Land of the Loom remained stinky and gross, never threatened by laundry day again, and Queen Victoria kept her secret.