Chapter OneTypes of Lairs

This chapter should help you decide which lair will suit you the best. Happy home hunting!

Disclaimer – This Guide, all its chapters, text, and this document and work in all its entirety is the sole intellectual property of MM/Spleefmistress, 2002-2008. If you see this work posted anywhere else without my permission or is being used by someone else, please email me at regina_noctem AT yahoo DOT com!

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Amusement Park

This gives a whole new frightening level to the term 'screaming fun'. The Amusement Park has been a cherished lair by villains for decades, and not without good reason…

This is one place that draws in willing victims by the droves, and if you seek souls to take or just like to lure people in and torture them, this is a wonderful place.

People come to amusement parks by the droves more than willingly, and this is something you need to use to your fullest advantage. You can lace the cotton candy with minuscule fragments of glass, turn the Ferris Wheels into a spinning wheel of doom, the Fun House into a endless series of deathtraps, and the Mirror Maze into a maze of shadowy demons and nightmares! But your visitors don't need to know this! By daytime, the amusement park can look cute and innocent, but when the sun goes down, the gates close and the people are trapped! Or you could hide a black hole in some of your rides, where people come in and don't come out. Whatever you decide, there are many ways to ensure that people cannot escape the clutches of your accursed amusement park. Meuhahahah!

This is one lair where you can truly allow your creativity to shine. You can turn this into a theme park and decorate it however you like, whether your forte is sharp, pointy things, monsters, or illusions and nightmares. Or you can separate your park into different areas, such as Endless Nightmare Land, Evil Clown Land, Hellish Inferno Land, or Flesh-Eating Piranha Land. Whatever your décor is, rest assured that your Amusement Park can and will provide cherished memories for years to come…

Ancient Temple Ruins/Lost City

Another eternal tried-and-true classic, this is a lair that is home to villains that lean more towards magic than science. It is also a popular domicile to cult/ancient order leaders.

Temple ruins have many things going for them and will remain one of the true classics for time to come. If a villain looks hard enough, s/he can find a temple just about anywhere...forest, desert, jungle, undersea, in a cave, etc. And you don't have to worry about building costs because it's already there. Assuming that it is in good condition and not too wearied by time itself. Of course, retrofitting the temple with technology is another matter, and may depend on the build of the temple itself or what the villain wants to do with it.

Another cool thing about temples is the treasures that lie within, especially if the temple had not been discovered by anyone else. Who knows what may be inside? An amulet that gives its wearer power/immortality/laser eye beams/super strength/etc? Ancient scrolls revealing how to attain immortality, unlimited power, or some other cool secret? The Holy Grail? Some wonderful mythical beast loyal to whoever releases it? A lamp with a genie inside? A deity who gives a wondrous reward to whoever comes to it first? Or simply a big pile of gold and jewels that will keep you in plush for life?

But then of course, a temple must be treated with caution. More often than not there are security measures in it, either by mechanical (trapdoors, floors that swing open to reveal a spiked pit, arrows shot out of walls) or magical (guardian beasts, curses, or a lightning bolt). So upon discovering a temple, proceed with caution. Once you have disarmed the traps, you can safely move in. Hell, you can rework the traps to your advantage. And be careful of treasures too. The amulet that you discover might not give you a reward, but a curse. The mythical beast may attempt to eat you. The deity may pull you into whatever void it is trapped in so you're stuck for eternity with a pissed off god. The pile of gold may be in a room that no one has ever gotten out alive.

Once the temple has been settled in, it's a cool place to live. More often than not a temple is not as obvious a lair as some other kinds, so you get more privacy that way. And it also has its charms that a bulking hulk of metal building could never accomplish. And a temple more often than not has hidden passageways, which make great escape routes.

And one more thing...a temple is 99 percent guaranteed to have some sort of huge central room, which can serve you as your throne room or sacrificial ceremonial chamber!

Basement

This is a nice, incognito lair that works on a tight budget. The basement is more than definitely ideal for Hackers, Spammers, and other villains who prefer to work alone or do not have a impressive army to house and feed. If you live in your parent's basement, you get the added benefit of free food and board.

A basement is not limited to small basements under homes; you can turn it into a huge warehouse-like complex that's resistant to large animals, fire, weapons, and sunlight as well as the feebs.

Basements are also nice for doing solitary, evil projects like computer hacking or building a bomb. Basements are perfect for homemade labs, and you can build bombs that blow anything you want straight to hell!

Burbs

Ah...Home Sweet Home to white-collar criminals and serial killers, the sprawling lawns of suburbia is another excellent place to conduct your evil plans. Under the guise of a pleasant household with a loving mate, 2.3 kids and a family dog, you can go about your evil plans unnoticed. People will simply think you are another happy citizen with a happy life.

However, if the suburbs as your domicile of choice, you must always remember your image. You want to maintain the guise of a simple, pleasant household, but you do not want to be too perfect. Throw in a couple of minor imperfections, like an ordinary-looking mate instead of an extremely attractive one, or something similar. Don't try to make everything too perfect (this will arouse jealousy and gossip). Try to fit in as much as you can, without looking too perfect or too sloppy compared with the rest of the block. Image is almost literally everything to suburbanites, so this is not an advisable choice for many villains. However, to those willing to put the work into making the image, suburbia provides an excellent cover.

Caveat to the suburbanite...Neighbors can be annoying. Like it or not, you will have to be friends with them (or at least be on good speaking terms with them) so if you're someone who prefers to be left entirely alone, try a different place to live. This is not too much of a popular choice among evildoers (mainly because of the neighbor factor) but if you're looking for a good front for your evildoing and don't have a large operation, this may be right for you. Maybe. Eh. To hell with the Joneses!

Castle

A cult classic, figuratively and literally, the Castle is one of the most enduring features of villainy. Home to countless sadistic monarchs, evil wizards and witches, and cult leaders, as well as the much-loved bloodsuckers we call nosferati or vampires, the Castle is a true classic that will ever go out of style. Castles come in all shapes and sizes, from a small, broken-down, barely inhabitable pile of stones to a wicked kewl castle with towers that reach into the clouds, and from simple stone castles to castles made out of dark crystal, and the settings are versatile as well. Cliff, seashore, forest, desert, murky wasteland, its versatility ensures that this kind of domicile will stand the test of time.

What are the pros? Too many to count, but I'll give ya a basic overview. One is...it's just cool. Yeah. Castles are cool. :-)

Like I said, castles are versatile, (one of the most versatile lairs out there) so villains can design their castles to their own taste. Moats with huge man-eating alligators, death-traps including the classic and beloved swinging blade, dragons that fly around the towers, or even something as simple as banners hanging from the walls can give the castle a personal taste. And the materials of the castle itself are up to choice too. One can choose to build it with simple tried-and-true gray stone, or go for something more impressive like a floating castle built out of crystal (Not only is that cool, it is also beautiful to look at)

The interior is also versatile. A castle is not necessarily low-tech, and what may look like a primitive stone dwelling on the outside can actually be a pretty high-tech place inside, either scientifically or magically.

With the proper planning, you can create a castle that you will be proud to call yourself lord of.

Church

Why a church, you may ask? Think about the delicious, sweet irony of building up your nest of unspeakable evil in the most sacred and holy of places.

Churches are also an excellent source of hidden passages and tunnels, because many of the old churches were built over ancient pagan temples and groves. These passages can lead to old pagan chambers and treasures, even long-lost magical relics.

Excellent sites for these kinds of churches can be found in Old Europe, although more modern churches work just as well. Especially wonderful locales for churches are ghettoes and places that are rarely visited, as well as abandoned churches.

Building up your lair in a church will prove to people just how sinister and unholy you are. You can decorate your church with upside-down crucifixes, pagan or satanic symbols, and perform bloody and unspeakable rites right up there on the altar, laughing in the face of Christians and all they stand for while you stand among your rabid cultists, seeking to bring about the downfall of all that is good and holy.

Dump

One of the most overlooked of all lairs (not without good reason) the Dump works for those villains on a very, very, very tight budget. There are few, if any, pros about a Dump, and the cons are blaringly obvious.

On a tight budget, the Dump can really help you get creative. You can invent things with whatever crap you find, and a Dump makes a great lair for those who really want to go incognito. That is, if you can stand the smell, the rampant germs, viruses and other unspeakable things, and the fact that other villains not to mention just about anyone will laugh their asses off when they learn where your lair is.

Floating Fortress

This is a popular lair for air-pirates and birdmen among other things. A Floating Fortress can be an airship, dirigible, castle on propellers, ship with wings, or an island suspended in the air by either science or magic.

The Floating Fortress is nice to have, one of the major reasons being location. You can go anywhere you want, fly to any location you please, and it makes it especially hard for the good guys to find you if you have a cloaking device on your fortress. Also the view is awesome. You can watch a sunset without an annoying city skyline in the way, or stare at the night sky up close.

A knowledge of technology is vital to the maintenance of a Floating Fortress; otherwise you fall like a rock. A team of mechanics is a must on your staff. Sure, having mechs is important on any staff, but is vitally important on a FF so any problems can be fixed with due speed.

The most blatantly obvious con on a FF is a failure to fly/float. We all know what this leads to. Hell, just about any con to a FF will result in failure to fly/float...poor mechanics, shoddily implemented magical devices, a storm or tornado, attack by a large winged creature, or a aerial assault (Dirigibles, especially beware!!!). Therefore it is vital to have weapons and a backup power source/flying mechanism on a FF.

With a well-made Floating Fortress, you can truly become Master of the heavens.

Ghetto

A lair that is interesting and fun to set up your home in, the Ghetto provides a delightful multicultural experience. You can deal with various fascinating people everyday-crackheads, crack whores, welfare moms, prostitutes, pimps, drug dealers, mack daddies, gangsta hoe's, thugs, vanilla bitches, and other people that will ensure that you will have no lack of interesting company should you choose to leave your lair. Plus, any of these people make excellent minor henchmen and errand boys/girls, as they will be willing to dirty their already-dirty hands for a few wrinkled dollar bills.

This is also a good place to scout for talent, as ghettos and other poor places more often than not turn up a few diamonds in the rough. Look around carefully, and you may find material suitable for trusted lieutenants, skilled assassins, or people with excellent networking skills. Nurture these people properly, and they can become great assets to your criminal empire.

You will fit right in the ghetto if you choose to do so, so if the feebs should suddenly raid the slums, they have plenty of distractions to keep them busy, giving you ample time for escape!

While the Ghetto may not help some villains maintain their almost impossibly high standards of living, the Ghetto provides ample opportunity for a starting villain, especially Criminal Masterminds and Computer Hackers. For those more experienced villains, the Ghetto may provide a comfortable home that is less noticeable than a Fortress of Doom, and a Ghetto can allow you to maintain a relatively comfortable or high standard of living. You can easily become a slumlord/drug dealer/pimp and make your high living off the poor living of those beneath you, and profit off what goes on in the ghetto.

Hell

One of the more desirable, if not the most valuable, plots in psychic real estate, Hell is as good a place as any to take up residence.

Not only will a residence in Hell push your infamy to awesome levels, it will give a whole new meaning to terms such as 'See you in Hell', 'I'm in Hell', or 'Go to Hell!'

Provided that you can oust Satan and take Hell for yourself (be sure to have a foolproof plan for this, as Satan does not take too kindly to those who attempt to usurp him), you can make Hell your home sweet home. The crackling pits of lava and the wails of tortured souls add quite a nice touch to the decor. By becoming the Dark Prince (or Princess), you can take megavillainy and evildoing to a whole new level. Just think of all the poor saps you can cheat souls from, the men and women that you can lead into sin, and the worldwide cults that you can spawn. Being so bad has never been so good.

Jungle

The Jungle is a true classic, and the setting is wonderful. Often you can get most if not all of your resources here from food to building materials.

The animals are cool too. You can brainwash rabid gorillas and tigers to attack any unsuspecting bastard that wanders where he should not wander, plus you can actually use all these bigass jungle beetles and spiders to freak people out. It's cool.

The Jungle, assuming that you are not using it as a nuclear waste disposal site, is one of the healthiest places to live, especially if you take all your food from the flora and fauna it has to offer. A diet high in fruit, vegetables, spring water, and meat that has not been raised in a government-subsidized farm where they are pumped full of hormones is just outright good, and health is very important to any villain, as we all know. And living in a good, clean environment does wonders for you, and your staff as well. A happy and healthy staff is a hardworking staff.

Plus, the Jungle is a beautiful setting to live in. Waking up to birdsong and a clean, warm morning breeze can make a villain happy and less inclined to abuse his employees, plus hiking in the jungle is fun and good for cardiovascular health. Plus, the jungles hold many secrets, like plants that can cure any disease, relaxing hot springs (hey, the spring could even be a fountain of youth), or temples with ultra powerful magical relics inside of them.

But the Jungle is not without its cons. Heat, humidity, and bugs for one. (Or three). These things can piss someone off unless they choose to build a sir-conditioned lair. Beware of the mosquitoes, especially. They can be tough, nasty sonsofbitches, and the humidity can cause mold and moss to grow on your lair, which can be annoying, unless you feel that it adds charm and/or camouflage.

Mental Institution

If you're looking for atmosphere, a mental institution is one of the options that accommodate this need. Whether you've taken over a mental institution on your own accord or have been forcibly placed there by the good guys, it's a wonderful place to live.

A mental institution is usually a nice, sprawling complex with many rooms that can be used for any purpose. The white (or pale-colored) walls and floors of the institution can be boring, although nothing can stop you from sprucing up the place to your tastes.

Like said, mental institutions provide atmosphere. You will have no boredom here with all the interesting occupants. While most of humankind may see mental problems as a disease that must be cured, the fact is that many 'crazies' are brilliant and creative, and make excellent employees. You can also make use of the dangerously psychotic, as they make excellent soldiers. Teaching these people to embrace their so-called 'problems' will cement their loyalty to you, and many people are afraid to go head-on with a lunatic, which gives you and your crazy friends an advantage.

These institutions also come with healthy stockpiles of drugs. Just pick out the good ones for yourself and sell the rest, and you have a lovely source of income.

Mental institutions can be acquired in several very different ways. First, you can just take over the place villain-style. Second, you can choose to infiltrate it by entering as a doctor and getting the nurses and wardies under your control too. Or third, you could be put there as a patient, and win over the other patients with your insanity, resulting in a takeover from the inside. Whatever method you use, rest assured, a mental institution will never be a boring place to live.

Mountain Sanctuary

Like the Jungle, the Mountain Sanctuary has health benefits. The rousing mountain air is good for one's lungs and nerves and the view can be very calming.

A lair built on the side or top of a mountain is so cool, plus you can put in floor-to-ceiling windows on the exposed side, which makes for a wonderful lair, especially if the windows face a splendid view. Plus, the higher up you are, the more you can see. You can also go incognito, burrowing into the mountain itself and covering yourself up with a rock face so that your lair is virtually unseen.

Another pro is if you find a cave, then you can place your lab in a very secure place. It's cool to have a place with big windows, plus a nice cave in the back. Best of both worlds, I tells ya, baby.

But this place is not without cons. For one, you are extremely vulnerable to aerial attacks, depending on how your lair is built. Another is food supply. It is not all that easy to grow a wide variety of food on a mountainside unless you have a bio-dome, spreading rich topsoil on a select area of the mountainside and securing it so that rains cannot wash it down, or someone to airlift in food periodically. Not many people will go up a mountain…so here's a pro for you-solitude (if that's what you're looking for) Also, you are 100% guaranteed against floods, so forget about paying for flood insurance.

With the proper technology, you can arm your mountain! With a flip of a switch, laser cannons and other weapons can come out of the mountain face, and you can even have control over the airwaves from your high vantage point!

Beware of nosebleeds.

Office High-Rise

The lair of corporate bigwigs doing bad things with corporate money, snooty exec villain types, and multimillionaires, the office high rise is a popular lair for these who like to surround themselves with modern technology.

Conducting your evil business in an office high-rise is less obvious than conducting your evil business from a ruined temple or a volcano. Plus, if you do get caught, well, the kind of person who uses a office building as his evil lair also more often than not has a fleet of top notch lawyers at his beck and call.

This is also an excellent place to store certain kinds of henchmen and workers. You can trap your hapless inferiors in an endless honeycombed maze of cubicles, creating a delightful world within a world, and with your network of security cameras, you can become a virtual Big Brother and keep a eye on all the doings in your building, making sure your villainous plans go exactly as you direct them, and no one will be able to do anything without you knowing.

A major advantage of an office high-rise is the almost-impossibility of being arrested by regular armed forces, who have to climb all these freaking stairs or wait for the elevator to get up to your floor, and with your security cameras you'll know they are here and be long gone before they can lay hands on you.

But beware of air raids (I've seen enough Superman, Batman, and Spiderman TV episodes AND read enough comic books to know this well). Your enemies or the feebs can explode through the walls or the floor-ceiling windows you are probably going to install in your office.

Also, make sure that the computers and your electrical system are well-defended against viruses and power failures, since being in a dark high rise can be scary and lead to uncomfortable situations.

Oil Rig

A not very often used type of lair, the Rig does have its nice features. This lair does not have to be an actual oil rig, but it is on the top of the water, either a floating island-type (unsecured) or a firmly placed atoll (secured) Both have their own features, especially privacy!

The floating island type can be cool because you can go anywhere, so the unsecured rig is sort of like a ship. But beware of inclement weather, large waves, and ice… if your unsecured rig is in the Arctic or Antarctic, beware of being enclosed in ice. And if you get attacked right in the middle of the ocean, a sinking rig is not the best place to be, have an emergency escape plan ready.

A secured rig also has nice features. Most secured rigs are no more than a few miles from a coastline (so they can be firmly anchored to the sea bottom), so in case it sinks, you're not in such a predicament. A secure rig also affords a level of privacy that a lair on land does not give, since you're surrounded by water, and if you desire, the whole rig can be surrounded by thick walls that go directly into the water so the only access afforded is by just whatever entrances you specify, and this does a lot to filter out unwanted guests.

A con is knowing that beneath your floor is not terra firma, but water, and to some people, the feeling can be quite unsettling, unless you truly feel comfortable in the sea.

Opulent Mansion

Do you live for hedony? Want to surround yourself in luxury? Have a place suitable for the orgies and displays of mass hedonism you will have regularly? Then pick a place that is revered by pimps, movie stars, and drug lords! This is the highest of the high living, baby, and you can flaunt it or stash it!

These mansions are all that and then some, and if you're too stupid to see it, our real estate agents will slap you down like the bitch they think you are. These cribs are the epitome of high living as well as the time of your life, so get in on the ground floor today!

These sweet homes come with desirable locations...Malibu Beach, Beverly Hills, French and/or Italian vineyards, Caribbean shorelines, plantations in the Deep South or Mexico, resource-rich veldts in Africa, and countless other locations! If you want, you can spread the bling and buy several of these places so you are never bored!

You can outfit your mansions with priceless objets d'art and secret stashes of high-grade drugs, fleets of servants and bodyguards, and sweet add-ons like swimming pools, tennis courts, garden mazes, impenetrable security systems (Dobermans and automatic machine guns, anyone?) and countless options that ensure that your mansion is unique from other homes of luxury. Plus you can throw the most kick-ass parties EVER!

Come on down and put MTV's 'Cribs' to shame! Livin' la vida loca!

Other Dimension

An excellent place for godlike villains and powerful magicians, Other Dimensions vary widely in locale and type. There literally is an infinite amount of Other Dimensions out there, scattered throughout time and space, so you can look through them and choose one that is right for you.

Other Dimensions can hold an infinite source of energy for you, and is also an excellent place to hide. You can also house a huge, demonic army that can seemingly magically appear at your beck and call, impressing other villains, as well as being the perfect place to hide any things that you do not want other people to see. Other Dimensions are excellent sources of privacy, and if you get tired of this planet, you can always retreat to your own private little world.

Caveat to the prospective Other Worlder…Be sure that you have a surefire way of being able to travel freely from this dimension to another, or you may end up trapped in a hellish dimension for the rest of eternity…

Palace of Sin

My personal favorite, this is another great and versatile lair to live in that can serve as a front for whatever you really are doing. It can be a casino, whorehouse, illegal fighting ring, crack house, high-class bordello, cockfight house, or a nightclub, as long as there's some sort of sinning going on.

The Palace of Sin is also fun to own, because not only does it serve as a handy front…wait a minute.

Masking one illegal thing with another? Er, let me explain. Let me see…casinos, high-class bordellos, and nightclubs are not illegal, though the rest are. Using a legal front is good, because not only does it mask the illegal, but it is also a wonderful source of profit, and it is a super way to make contacts. Illegal fronts are a bit tricky to handle, but can be even more successful than a legal front because there are no holds barred. And you can use a legal front…to mask an illegal front…to mask your true diabolical evil plans. Cool!!!

Okay. Anyway, here are the pros. One pro is that it's just so much fun and provides so much thrills. If you own a whorehouse, you get free merchandise every night from your employees. C'mon, surround yourself with fine bitches in a hot tub when you're doing a 'meeting' with one of your 'associates' and you'll prove just how badass you are.

If you own a casino, you can build a swanky ass casino where everything has a funky theme, plus if you rig the games right, you can be rolling in cash for funding for your true evil plans.

A fight club lets you attract all kinds of fighters, and you can recruit the best for your Legions of Doom. Plus it's so fun to see men beat the $&!% outta each other with no holds barred.

A nightclub allows you to meet plenty of chicks every night, plus you can make lots of contacts. After all, parties are great for these kinds of things. So no matter what kind of palace of sin you choose, there's something in it for ya. How versatile is that???

Another point in versatility is that you can hold a Palace of Sin virtually anywhere, hell, you can combine a Palace of Sin with another lair…like a casino atop a Flying Fortress, a bordello in a volcanic lair (hot chicks in a hot location), or a nightclub in a castle!

There are no real cons to a Palace of Sin besides the obvious. I advise you to mask with a legal front before you start an illegal front, so it is harder for the feebs or the hero to have a real reason to arrest you.

Trailer Park

This may be a lair that most villains snub, but look again! This is another wonderful incognito lair, not to mention mobile! You cannot get this out of many lairs.

While the trailer or mobile home may not have much space to offer, it gives out the feeling of coziness, especially if you decorate it to your tastes with black or chrome wallpaper or whatever else you may like. Boarded-up windows will make it even more darker and cozy, as well as serving as a deterrent for nosy neighbors. A cute little 'Hell Sweet Hell' sewn framed picture adds whimsy to your little lair so you will have a comfortable place to come home to after you perform your atrocious evil deeds.

This is another wonderful place to hire low level thugs and errand boys, and you may find the occasional diamond in the rough who may be a real asset to your criminal organization. Be warned, trailer parks are magnets for white trash and hicks, so watch out for disliked neighbors who may come over and try to get their nose in your business of villainy or steal your newspaper in the morning. A few well-worded threats and perhaps a brief demonic glowing of your eyes will keep them in place.

You can take your home while you're on the lam, and have a bar-b-que and the comforts of home while the cops are chasing yo' ass!

Tropical Island

One of the most sought-after lairs for villains, the Tropical Island is one of the most beautiful and scenic homes out there. The tropical island can be two things for you…a heavenly paradise for you to rule over, or a heavenly paradise for you to destroy. Either way, tropical islands give out a feeling of quaint seclusion.

If you are tired of the city life and yearn for something more calming and quiet, a island may be the right place for you, especially if you are a more solitary villain without a large army to take care of.

Tropical islands often have natives on them, so you can torment, terrorize, and rule them over like a god, whatever your whim may be.

Space Station/Spaceship

One of the best lairs ever is not found on earth…it's found in the vast reaches of space!

A much-revered classic that can be found in 'Star Wars', 'Space Balls', 'Alien', 'Galaxy Quest', 'Star Trek' and many other situations.

A fortress that floats around in space or is firmly anchored to the side of a moon or asteroid has many advantages, including but not limited to-it cannot be run down by a basic terrain army, the view totally rocks, everything is covered in chrome or flashy buttons (which can be pretty cool), and a space lair is more often than not totally high-tech. Plus you can launch a totally apocalyptic attack on Earth and not suffer the consequences of environmental damage.

And if it's a spaceship, you can go anywhere you want. Hell, even if your fortress is on a moon or asteroid, a few hyper-rockets embedded into the backside can make it into a spaceship! And ya gotta admit that's pretty cool. You can arm your spaceship with the most bitching death lasers or creepy aliens.

Some of the cons to a space lair are pretty obvious. Like what happens if by some slim chance, the hero manages to blow up your spaceship? Unless the idea of being incinerated in space or crash landing on a desolate planet in your escape pod appeals to you, beware. Another thing to watch out for is hostile aliens, and even though you may be very careful, one day, somehow, you will invade someone's space. So be prepared to have a silver tongue or bitching weapons, or both.

Another thing is space, for a few reasons. Unless you redecorate frequently, the chrome-plated hallways of the spaceship get pretty boring after a while unless you have a vacation planet you can relax on. One more reason is that unless your ship is pretty big, you won't have an environment. And God knows that most people need their fix of a sunny day at the beach (or something comparable to this) every once in a while. Unless you have a fetish for chrome or are a sadist who cares nothing about the environment, you will need to find a way to have some leafy plants on a spaceship. Even a few potted plants help. Unless you have some fancy food synthesizer or your own bio-dome, you better get used to freeze-dried food.

Underground Bunker

One of the lesser-used lairs of villains, this also includes caves and underground mineshafts, as well as hellholes at the center of the earth. Mole-people especially love these places and if you're an evil mole-man trying to take over the world, this is the perfect place for you.

Underground bunkers have a few advantages-not so easy for prisoners to get out of these places, wonderful natural resources for these with excellent mining equipment… gold, diamonds, underground rivers…, and you are virtually impregnable to aerial assaults.

However underground lairs may have more cons than pros depending how you look at it. No windows, and the further you are below the ground, the more careful you need to be about your air supply. Sure, pipes to the surface and ventilation systems will help, but they can be collapsed by people trying to stop you.

Underground lairs are almost unseen to the naked eye. What may look like a tiny, ramshackle outpost in the middle of a desert may actually lead to an elevator to your lair, or you may cover the entrance with something that no one would look twice at, such as a cozy little cottage or a small hill. Caves also make excellent entry points, as long as you have some sort of deterrent for spelunkers and cave explorers, such as a rabid bear, a fake rock wall, or such.

The Underground Lair can be a vast and impressive complex, and you won't even have to pay property taxes for this! The complex may stretch out for miles and is a excellent place for Mad Scientists, as they can conduct their heinous scientific experiments without prying eyes.

There are quite a few cons, so the Underground Lair must be carefully considered. Fewer escape routes, so it's not as easy to escape underground as it is to escape from most other locations. The Earth is always changing, so be prepared for earthquakes and the collapse of your underground lab. The Earth is unpredictable, so be careful if you're mining or expanding your bunker. You could open up a hidden pocket of lava or methane gas. One more thing! Lack of sunlight can make one pale and cranky.

Undersea Bubble

The Bubble, as I call undersea lairs because they are more often than not encased in bubbles, is a pretty cool lair besides the wonderful, relaxing blue view.

This lair is often difficult to find since about 99 percent of heroes and other villains operate on terra firma, and the remaining one percent is you and the fishes.

The Bubble, considering you select a good location, can have a pretty much infinite source of power. Turbines that produce electricity by being put in select places where the current is strong, or placed over a undersea volcano can provide you with a limitless source of clean and cheap energy, and if they are well-built, you can live undersea forever if necessary.

The Bubble is a relaxing place to live, especially if your favorite color is blue. Imagine waking up every day to see the beautiful ocean hanging above your head, and the fish swimming by, and the sunlight filtered through aquamarine, the lively coral and other marine vegetation stretched out before your eyes instead of the same old boring green fields or gray buildings...really, the Bubble can be wonderful stress relief. :-)

A variation of the Bubble lies not under the water, but above it. This comes in the form of a ship, which is nice because you can travel anywhere. But of course, beware of large Kraken and missiles, which can as easily sink your ship as you built it unless you have excellent mechanical or magical defenses. And the same is to be said for the Bubble itself...if the shell is cracked, then water comes through and fwoosh...

Volcano

Hands down, having a throne surrounded by a pool of lava is cool. Very cool. I mean, think about it.

Anyway, having your lair in a volcano is a risky venture, but will establish you as a badass if you're brave enough to go on and build one.

The pros? Besides being cool, there's the option of making money off it in case you fail miserably as a villain. You can build a luxury resort on the volcano that markets spas, hot tubs, and hot mud baths, and you could make a lot of money off this. You can build a plant within the volcano and use the heat to generate electricity and sell it. Plus, if you stay a villain, you have a great power source.

The lava is a great way to get rid of corpses, garbage, and other unwanted items, plus hanging someone over lava and lowering the rope gradually is a great way to get information from them. It's also good for keeping your staff in line.

A lava pool can also be used as a great weapons forge, since the heat never exhausts itself, or can be used as a furnace to provide central heating. Or both. A lava pool is so awesome because it's so...multipurpose. Plus...it's cool having one in your home!!!

I don't think I really need to go into the cons in too much depth. There's the risk of an explosion (it's a good idea to avoid throwing dynamite in with the garbage, or throwing in any sort of magical relic, no matter how weak its power is), and of course, burns. Don't fall in the pools! Safety railings are a MUST, unless you wanna be known as Crispety Crunchity.

Also, be careful about aerial attacks. It would be all too easy for someone to parachute or rappel in, so a security system around the lips or outside of the volcano is a must.

Volcanoes are more often than not on hot tropical islands, which is a wonderful and relaxing place to live.

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I hope this little chapter on lairs helps you to decide which lair is right for you!