can i be honest?
i'm scared.
i'm terrified of what i'm doing to myself,
i'm terrified of losing my hair,
losing my teeth, losing my smile,
losing myself.
i've seen the pictures
of the girls that took it too far.
i can't help but to know that could be me.

but today,
when i tried on all the clothes
in my drawer,
it became a gallery of beautiful clothes
i am too fat to wear.
and i cried.

i cried because i know
that i will never be good enough.

i will never be fat enough
to please my family,
i will never be healthy enough
to please my friends,
i will never be thin enough
to please that horrible,
loathsome voice
constantly gnawing in the back of my mind.

and i will never be comfortable enough
to just be happy for myself,
and that's all i want,
that's all i've ever wanted,
that's why i do these stupid, stupid
things that I do.

i know that it's weak.

i know that skipping meals
will never make me a better person
it will not help me get a PhD
it will not help me visit every continent
it will not help me find true love
it will not help me.

it will not help me.

it's just that
no matter how many times i say it,
there's no magic spell and
i can't wake up.