note: Well, one thing I love about fictionpress is that it always manages to mess up my formatting. 8D

As you can tell by the title, this story is going to be funny; if you've read anything else I've written, then you'll know there are going to be some tearjerkers; and if your mental age is under 18, you know you'll be scarred for life.

I wanted to write something about humans for once, and this idea came to me in a dream. No, seriously, I'm a hormone-driven teen, half the time I'm dreaming about sex. Ha, ha, ha.... no I'm just kidding... REALLY!
Anyway, I did dream this chapter, but I woke up. I got really pissed off and made myself fall back asleep to continue the story. Most of my plots are from my hallucinations and lack of sleep. ;D

So enjoy, and please REVIEW!

[yes, I have heard the song "Waking Up In Vegas" by Katy Perry; and no, that was not where my story idea came from.]


G o o d M o r n i n g . 1

Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch! It was not the first time Ruby had been awoken by throbbing pain, but that doesn't change the fact that it's damn annoying. She kept her eyes closed.

Well, at least I'm lying on something pretty comfortable. Her mind drifted to the tree in Central Park where she last woke up feeling this miserable. She took a deep breath to calm herself, a habit that never failed to remind her how bad of an idea it is. To her surprise, the shiver that shot down her body was not the protest of her stomach, but the message of hormones. She took another deep breath.

Damn.

It was the intoxicating scent of power, wealth, seduction, and a dash of expensive cologne and alcohol – the smell of one-night-stands.

It's been a while since Ruby had felt such immense urge to … As pleasant it is, the smell of sex is never a good sign when you're not expecting it.

She forced her eyes to open and flushed the feelings of puberty out of her system.

Smooth, firm, tanned … chest muscles? What is that warmth against my back? Woah, look at those arms! A tattoo? High collar-bone, wide shoulders, long neck, sleek jaw line; ooh, what a clean shave…

"Holy shit!" Ruby pushed against the body pressed tightly to hers. In her shock, she landed on the floor with more pain than she had intended, but she quickly hopped to her feet again. She instinctively reached to her sides for a weapon, but all her fingers found was bare skin.

She didn't dare to move with her heart in her throat. Not only did she wake up in the arms of a man without any recollection of the night before… she woke up in the arms of a stranger. She scanned the room for her clothes, but snapped her head back to the breathing lump on the bed.

"Who the fuck woke me up?" the man groaned and turned over to his side. The annoyed scowl on his lips deepened as his brows knotted. He sniffed the air, his body tense, like an animal sensing an abnormality in his territory. His body quickly relaxed. Ruby jumped when he began pounding the nightstand with his hand, as if pressing on an invisible button. He smashed the switch on the radio a few times: "Ba–by–hot–you–yeah–ooh–now–do–me–" He finally gave up and pressed his hands to his head.

"Would someone get me some coffee for this fucking headache?" he groaned again, his palms digging into his eye sockets.

"Who the hell are you?" Ruby called out at the man, wishing to make her presence known.

"Hello, I'm me, who the hell are you?" the man suddenly jolted up to a sitting position. Ruby sucked in a sharp breath in surprise. There was no hint of pain or annoyance on his face, but only a sly smile that barely curled his slightly chapped lips. He combed a hand through the disheveled dark mess on top of his head. His emerald eyes quickly focused on Ruby, and his smile widened.

Ruby found it unbelievable that the man's mood seemed to change within a flash. She was even more troubled by the fact that he wasn't at all shocked by her sudden presence, and he smiled as if he was acquainted with her.

"So that wasn't a dream," he let out a cat whistle, his smile growing seductive.

Her shock was quickly overwhelmed by anger. Heat rushed to her cheeks, and she snatched the pillows off the bed and slammed them against her body. She had just realized that she was in her underwear.

"I-I demand to know what's going on… and stop staring at me before I poke your eyes out!" she narrowed her gaze on the man, all the while pressing the pillows tightly to her body.

"That's what I should be asking of you," all the humor rushed out of the man's face as his sharp eyes narrowed on her. Ruby felt her heart collapse against her ribcage. She tried to breathe, but could not draw air. Her throat hurt, but there was no saliva in her dry mouth she could swallow. It took a while until Ruby finally recognized the feeling: fear.

She turned her face away from the man's cutting gaze, forcibly disenchanting herself. No, she is not afraid of anyone or anything. Never.

The man was silent, but the air in the room was heavy. He was like a mime, cutting her with invisible daggers and screaming at her through closed lips.

"Don't play dumb. What are you doing in my hotel room?" Ruby snapped, "and I thought I told you to stop staring at me." She refused to let her discomfort show. A game is only fun with two players.

"Your hotel room?" the man's expression changed without a warning again. He laughed – quite a charming laugh too – and raised an eyebrow, "This is my hotel room ma'am."

"Your hotel room?!" Ruby was on the verge of yelling now, both from anger and to keep her voice from shaking, "This is my–"

Suddenly she noticed the business suits folded neatly and placed on the long table next to the bed, the issue of "Playboy" lying open in a corner, and the pack of cigarettes on the nightstand.

"OH FUCK NO!" her mouth and eyes spread wide in disbelief.

The man burst out in laughter, but cut himself off, "Ouch, hangover," he pressed a palm against his temple, "Why don't you make yourself useful and get me some coffee?"

"Who the hell do you think you are?" Ruby swallowed hard. The bastard.

"I'd have to kill you if I told you," he slipped her a sly smile. She was sure it was one that was meant to melt her heart – and it did, but she squished her heart back together. She opened her mouth to retort, but took in a deep breath instead.

"I am getting out of here. Where the hell are my clothes?"

"Hey, my job was to take them off, not to keep track of them."

Ruby shot him an if-you-weren't-so-sexy-you-would-be-dead glare. We did not do anything. She swore in her mind and scooted toward the bed to look for her clothes.

"Hey, what's that in your bra?" there was a tease in his voice.

"That better not be some off-hand comment about my cup size."

"No, that," before Ruby even registered the ruffle of the bed sheets, she felt something cold and hard slip up her back, followed by a soft snap. She immediately spun around, a hand flying through the air at full speed.

Smack.

"Hey now," Ruby stared into the mocking eyes of the stranger as she tried to catch her breath again. He had blocked her slap with a piece of paper when it was just inches away from his face. She was sure she carried a lot of force in that motion, and it unnerved her to realize that he was fast and strong enough to even react to her attack.

Suddenly, Ruby felt the man wrap his free arm around her waist and pull her body against his. "You're alone in a room with a half naked man," he whispered in her ear, his breath raising the small hairs on the top of her ear and the back of her neck, "I would suggest you behave yourself."

Go fuck yourself, egoistical jerk.

She wanted to say it to him, but couldn't find the balls to do so. In her own defense, she didn't have any balls to begin with. Ruby simply struggled and suppressed a sigh of relief when he released her without a fight.

He sat back down on the bed and began straightening out the piece of paper. Ruby tried to read his expression as his eyes traveled down the glossy surface, but the effort was useless. The furrow in his brow hinted at rage, but there was a bright amazement in his eyes.

"A wedding certificate?" his light voice mused, but his fingers dug holes into the paper.

"A what?" Ruby grabbed the paper out of his hand so fast, the man's body jerked – the only time she'd seen a hint of surprise in him, "A WEDDING CERTIFICATE? OH MY FUCKING GOD!"

"Well, at least now I know why I have a hangover," he cracked his neck on both sides.

"This is impossible … I-I don't even drink!" Ruby was going hysterical.

"Sweetheart, save that for the nuns," a smile played on his lips, "everybody drinks."

She replied in angry silence.

"Well, I have no objections to such a hot wife," Ruby snapped her head around to glare at the man. What the hell was his problem? She finally decided that he was bipolar.

"No, no, no, no, no." The words were more of command than denial. She did not want those stupid green eyes burning into her skin. This must be how women can always tell when a man is picturing them naked.

"I know myself. I would never get drunk enough to have a one-night-stand with some random guy off the street."

The man scoffed and lifted his eyebrows.

"Did you just call me a one-night-stand?"

Ruby rolled her eyes in exasperation. The guy was so conceited. He was offended from the "one-night-stand" comment, but completely brushed off the fact that she practically called him a gigolo.

"No, you're not a one-night-stand, because we never did anything!" she hissed between her teeth.

"Honey, don't be so hard on yourself," he smirked and bounced off the bed, "Nobody would be able to resist a piece of this."

Ruby cursed herself for not moving away fast enough, as he took a tight hold of her wrist and yanked her forward. Her body crashed against his and the pillows tumbled to the floor. She gave up her attempt to struggle when his warm and firm arm wrapped tightly around her waist. It felt nice.

His lips, dry and soft, tickled her cheeks.

She shuddered.

"And they always bite off more than they can chew," his breath on her ear sent tingles down her spine. Ruby sucked in a sharp breath when she felt the pinch of teeth on her neck, followed by a warm moisture. Blood rushed straight to her cheeks.

His tongue traveled to her collarbone. Her mind went blank.

A warm hand slowly traveled across her stomach, then slid smoothly under the band of her underwear.

Ruby screamed. It was a loud scream, one that is always followed by: "INSIDE VOICES!"

"I am getting the hell out of here!" Ruby twirled around and shouted in his face. She was so dizzy, she had to turn in a whole circle before she faced the right direction.

Before even giving him time to respond, Ruby launched herself toward the door. She gritted her teeth and fought the radiating heat surrounding her head, all the while trying to ignore his obnoxious snicker.

She ripped the door open with as much force as she could, almost hoping it would fall straight off its hinges or at least make a hole in the wall. It didn't.

"You're still in your underwear!" the man called out to her.

"GO TO HELL!"


DISCLAIMER: I decided to write this novel in a more… relaxed style. Therefore, unlike my other stories, this novel will not be as heavy or delicately written. It will NOT be anywhere near educational or inspirational (except maybe practice safe sex and don't sleep with strangers,) and I want this story to be read purely for entertainment. That translates into: I want ZERO reviews about how pointless this novel is. If you want to be dazzled by some dark and suspenseful story, go read something else (of mine.) x]