my rant of how i love a guy in my life, my best friend.

there must be something horribly wrong with me because you are all that i think about.
i second guess myself all the time, i exaggerate, i regret, and i love. i get this stinging pain in my heart whenever i think about what you are out there doing with her.
i wish it could be me that you call every morning just to say hi. i wish it could me that you call every night to say i love you. i want to be the one that you look forward to seeing. i want to be the one that you think of when you see a happy couple.
i want to be that one girl that you are so thankful that you have in your life and the girl you wouldn't trade anyone else for.

but of course everything i just wrote is a lie, a stupid dream. you are always up,
then always down. it drives me out of my mind. it makes me lay awake at night.
i have to choose my words carefully whenever i talk to you because i don't want to say anything stupid to you to make you dislike me. i want you to realize just how good i could be for you.

i love your laugh, i love your smile, i love how you can be a complete dork,
i love you can turn completely serious at the drop of a hat. i love how i know i can always talk to you about anything and everything. i love those looks you give me and i love that feeling that makes me go weak in my knees.

but of course, nothing can grow from this. i haven't had a chance to kiss you or anything of physical contact. maybe this is just lust. no, who am i kidding?
i love you, i ell oh vee ee, love you. i don't think you realize how amazing you are, it's cliche but you deserve so much better than your current girlfriend.

from what you tell me it seems like she doesn't realize how great you are.
she doesn't appreciate you like do. she doesn't love you like i do.

but i can't blame you for not seeing how i feel. i call you names, i deny my feelings, i make sarcastic comments, i seem oblivious to everything you try to tell me. i must seem like i don't even care about you at times.
i just want you to know that you are the first person that comes to my mind when i get a free moment to think. and it is a while before you leave my mind.

it's so hard to resist all of this. i hate this junior highschool game we are playing.
i just can't seem to win can i?

there is so much past history. i love every moment i have with you. i remember those conversations that lasted until 4am. watching that stupid animated sitcom with you,
laughing at every prude joke.

you do your share of leading me on. one day you claim to want to be more, you say you don't care anymore about your girlfriend. and you give up everything to me.
but the night morning, it's like nothing was said and everything was back to the way it was.

we have been more than just friends in the past. we were close as could be in that aspect but i made it clear to you that i was past THOSE feelings and i just wanted to be a normal friendship with a line drawn.

i miss hearing you say you love me. i miss the way you said my name so sweetly.
i miss the wakeup calls to me in the morning. i miss your crazy voicemails.
i miss the text messages throughout the day.

i miss being able to call you mine.

you drive me crazy, and i just can't stand it that you will only be my best friend.

i hope he reads this someday.