Chapter One: November 2008

1) Hanna: So, anything exciting happen in English today?
Me: No, not really. Sex jokes, but that's pretty much it.
Hanna: Sex jokes? More?
Me: Yeah! Shakespeare's all about the sex!

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2) Marcie: So I'll become a man, and grow some facial hair…
Sarah: …and grow a penis…

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3) Andrew: I don't believe in love at first sight… I believe in love at first IM.

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4) Annelise: Reality is hilarious.

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5) Marcie: Ha-ha. Incest makes me laugh.

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6) Annika: There's a unicorn on the ceiling!
Bryant: It's a Pegasus

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7) Lucy: I've got to stop picking fights I know I won't win.

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8) Philip: Which one is this? Three hundred? Wow, Lauren, you're such a whore.
(He was talking about my boyfriends. Which, by the way, there have only been 10.)

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9) Dad: So, uh, one giant step for parent kind.

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10) Me: Woah! Where's Mr. Whipkey?
Danielle: He can teleport! OMG!
Me: No, only Asians can do that.
Danielle: Maybe he's an honorary Asian. You should ask him.
Me: Mr. Whipkey, are you an honorary Asian?
Mr. Whipkey: Uh… now I'm a little afraid…

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11) ("Look at him" written on music)
Ms. Beck: …and batt your eyes. No, I'm just kidding.

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12) Philip: (hits me in the butt with a basketball)
Me: Augh! Stop raping me!

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13) Mr. Whipkey: We need the silence to make the music.

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14) Tim: There's nothing in my room… besides my bed… and my brother…

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15) Tim: That's not a year!
Me: Then what is it?
Tim: It's ½ a year plus ½ a year…

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16) Laura: You sound like you're poohing and giving birth at the same time.

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17) Me: Christ on a pony!
Laura: What?!
Me: I like ponies! They're cute and go NIIIIII!

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18) Laura: Watch those middle-aged men work it!

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19) Hanna: I just thought of an iambic pentameter! But it's really inappropriate.
Me: What is it?
Hanna: I can't believe that she would fuck my mom.

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20) Mrs. Goertz: So don't be nice.

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21) Marcie: You should take a pill to like expand your bladder.

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22) Jory: They do have rather awesome man Capri's, but that's about it.

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23) Señora Gaston: How many minutes should you study a night?
Steffan: Seven hundred!

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24) Me: The pilot choked on the taco.
Marcie: Because the taco had worms in it…?

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25) Marcie: Pwn n00bs.

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26) Justine: Naughty word!
Me: FUCK!

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27) Me: Vini, vidi, volo in dormim redive!
(I came, I saw, I want to go home!)

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28) Me: Me encantan tus pantalones.
(I love your pants.)

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29) Me: Me encantan tus madre.
(I love your mom.)

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30) Hanna: It's black America!

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31) Me: Sorry, my pants were falling down, and I don't think that you need to see what's under my pants, so… yeah…

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32) Ryan: Life would be very nice if there weren't people involved.

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33) Melanie: I am a very Quote-able person!

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34) Lucy: Some people have ear fetishes.

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35) Laura: El pokeh!

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36) Joanne: It's the same backwards and forwards.
Me: Kinda like the word "mom".

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37) Brian: It's not like I have a short att- ooh! Bunny!
(He actually said this.)

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38) Mr. Kasprowicz: The whole objective of teaching is to fail people.

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39) Mr. Kasprowicz: Well, that was anticlimactic.
Andrew: That's what she said.
Mr. Kasprowicz: (laughs)

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40) Laura: Huggles!
(we hug)
Laura, Me: Eeeeee!

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41) Me: How do we describe ourselves?
Laura: That… is a very good question.

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42) Laura: My fricking boobs will not shut up!

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43) Laura: Guys are so fucking sensitive. They get an "A" on a test and they're like "Eee, sex!"

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44) Me: I'm going to throw this at you and hit you in the boob and it'll like explode.

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45) Lucy: What's her name? I think it starts with an "L"… oh, that's right! It's "Celia"!

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46) Andrew: Someone poked me in the side and it made me let out a very high-pitched and elongated squeal. It made me question whether I was a man or not.

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47) Kelly: Pills don't shed.

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48) Kelly: J'amie mon petit garcon.
Laura: Sounds like you're talking about your little kid, not your boyfriend.

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49) Laura: Je vais ne porter pas le pantalon demain.
(I'm not wearing pants tomorrow.)

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50) Kelly: Joanne's trying to get me and Jonathan to go on an actual date.
Laura: Then I'll need your schedule for the next month. I'll make reservations in a five-star hotel. Like Don Pablos.

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51) Mr. Kasprowicz: Write number 1, skip three lines; 2, skip three lines; 3, skip three lines; 4, skip 40,000 lines.

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52) Mr. Kasprowicz: If I can't read your paper, I will give it to my dog, Lucky, and he will chew it up. You could attach a piece of licorice for him, too, if you'd like.

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53) Corey: I like you. You're very squishyable.

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54) Mr. Kasprowicz: This is special Jupiter gas. You have to open this bag facing away from you.
Guy: Is it really special gas from Jupiter?
Mr. Kasprowicz: Yes. It is also sometimes called oxygen.

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55) Michelle: They're cornering me in a corner.

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56) Me: Why are my hands always cold?!
Andy: 'Cause you have a cold heart.

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A/N: This is all from Ze Freshman QuoteBook. I bought a new one, and I've been keeping track of all the funny shit that my friends and I say. This time, I'm going to be doing it by month, however, so it will be longer periods between updates, but there will be many more Quotes for you to enjoy. Let me know what you think!

Love,
Lauren & Friends