They all call it a "relapse"
on those silly-sweet support forums
although it wasn't really a lapse,
seeing as I thought about it for 190 days,
but it sure was a repeat again,
or maybe a rewind, I can't tell which.
For 190 days I "quit", which is a silly notion
because just because a smoker isn't smoking right now
doesn't mean they don't want to
and it sure as hell doesn't mean they won't ever again,
and just because I'm not…doing that…right now
doesn't mean I don't want to
and it sure as hell doesn't mean I won't ever again.
So one night I just said fuck it,
picked up…that thing…(don't worry, still clean),
and went to work.
Only, I'm bothered, because it felt good of course,
but that crippling regret never came.
I didn't fall to my knees and cry and ask whoever is up there
why, why did I do that again and lose all my progress?
I don't regret it, to be honest with you.
In fact, I don't even care.