Always Will, Always have by Maria Gracia (MaGa).


I close my eyes and pretend to sleep. Pretend, because sleep doesn't come easy for me. Not anymore.

-

I can still see you. That sad smile and those big brown eyes. The way the sun seemed to make your brown hair lighter. Your angel face and the confused look you carried in your mouth. The freckles on your skin and that ugly hat you always seemed to have around.

A tear rolls down my cheek as I clutch that silly hat. As much as I hate it, it is the one reminder I have; it still smells of you.

Sleep doesn't come easily anymore because you're no longer here. There is nothing but a sea of pillows in the other side of the bed. Green, blue, red – it doesn't matter what color they are; pillows are the only thing that I hug at nights.

I'll get through this. I know I will, but the thing is… I really don't want to. It means letting go, which is something I never thought I would do. Letting you go this early in my live, after having envisioned us in the golden ages.

Together.

I can't sleep. I roll around my side of the bed and get up. Just as yesterday, I grab the blue sweater you wore that night. The night before you left and never came back.

The swings are so lonely without you. I love you.

I love you with all I have and no one can tell me otherwise.

-

It's been a long couple of months and memories are still there; the elephant in the room. I'm ashamed to say that your face isn't as clear anymore. But all those years are still in my mind, all those silly pictures you took are in our living room, never collecting dust.

Sometimes, like tonight, I wish you had never left that night. I wish I had kissed you harder, hugged you closer, and told you how much you meant to me that night. My life was far more enjoyable, way more bright with you here by my side.

Honey, I wish you were here, one last night, holding me in your arms.

-

I'll visit you tomorrow and the week after that as well. Someday…

I have to move on. I'm starting to realize, to come to terms with what everyone keeps saying. You would have wanted me to find someone else, even if that statement would have thrown you into fits of rage. I can't see it happening anytime soon.

You were stupid for not giving out the wedding band when they asked for it. Don't deny it, I heard everything through the phone – we were talking, can you remember?

And now, all I have is a piece of metal more rather than a pair of brown eyes looking at me when I wake up. I love you, David. I think it's time for me to sleep. Let me hug the pillow, smell the blue shirt, and put on that silly hat that used to smell of you. Slowly, I'll drift away into a restless sleep.

I love you. Always will, always have.


Note: This is for you. The pain behind your eyes spoke more than the words that left your lips. (526 words.)