A/N: First and foremost, this is a parody of the Christian creation story. So if you're a devoted Christian who cannot stand people making fun of the Bible, stop now. It is meant in good humor (at least, I hope the humor is good. If it isn't, feel free to tell me.), not to insult, but if you are easily insulted, then STOP HERE.
Secondly, this story was written for the Review Game's Writing Challenge Contest, see link in profile.
Third and last, please tell me what you thought. Anything you think can be improved? Tell me. I can't read your mind.
1. 1 In the beginning, when God (who was never created; he just always was) decided, for no apparent reason, to create the universe, 2 the Earth was formless and desolate. So were all the other planets in every other solar system, but we don't really care about them. The raging ocean that covered everything, which I suppose you could take to mean the earth wasn't as formless as a previous sentence tries to make you believe, was engulfed in total darkness, and the Spirit of God, or just an awesome wind, depending on the translation, was moving over the water. 3 Then God commanded "Let there be light," (out loud of course, because otherwise nothing would have responded) - and light (although as far as anything is concerned, it is currently just a five letter word) appeared. 4 God was pleased with what he saw, even though all he had done was illuminate a desolate, formless earth. Then he separated the light from the darkness, which would mean that until then everything was both in darkness and light, and that doesn't really make sense, but back to the story. Where was I? Ahh, yes.
...5 and he named the light "Day" and the darkness "Night". Evening passed and morning came- that was the first day. Well, actually, it's more of a night, if it was a day it would be 'morning passed and evening came,' but maybe I'm just being picky here.
6-7 Then God commanded, "Let there be a dome to divide the water and keep it in two separate places"- and, although that makes absolutely no sense until we are told that he names the dome 'sky', it was done. I mean, come on. Am I the only one who was thinking, "What the hell is he on about?" I mean, if you're trying to do something as important as create the world, can't you at least try to be a little less ambiguous? ...So God made a dome, and it separated the water under it from the water above it. 8 He named the dome "Sky", revealing what all that mumbo jumbo about domes was referring to. Evening passed and morning came-that was the second NIGHT, damn it!
9 Then God commanded (far out he's bossy, isn't he?), "Let the water below the sky come together in one place, so that the land will appear" –and, well, the bible says it was done, but I'm sure that there is more than one body of water on this planet of ours. And what about all the other planets? They found proof of water on Mars! Are we forgetting that?
10 He named the land "Earth," and the water which had come together he named "Sea". Actually, he used some old, long dead language that doesn't exist anymore; the people who made the English language named them "Earth" and "Sea". And God was pleased with what he saw. 11 Then he commanded, "Let the earth produce all kinds plants, those that bear grain and those that bear fruit, those that bear thorns and those that are poisonous" (OK, I made that last bit up, but it happened, right? And if everything listened to God, then either it shouldn't have, or he told it too. So there!) –and it was done. 12 So the earth produced all kinds of plants, god was pleased, 13 evening passed, et cetera et cetera, third day that was really a night.
14 Then God commanded "Let lights appear in the sky to separate day from night and to show the time when days, years and seasons begin; 15 they will shine in the sky to give light to the earth" –and it was done, completely ignorant of the fact that night was an alias for darkness, so putting a light in it means it is no longer darkness, and so no longer night. 16 So God made the two larger lights, the sun to rule over the day and the moon to rule over the night; he also made the stars. They don't get anything to rule over, because they're so far away from us that the people who wrote the Bible didn't really care about them. 17 He placed the lights in the sky to shine on the earth, 18 to rule over the day and night, and to separate light and darkness, which are complete opposites and fairly hard to get confused. And the ever self-impressed God was pleased with what he saw. 19 Evening passed and morning came –that was the fourth day, even though God just finished making days today. I'm trying to ignore the fact that plants were made before the sun, which is stupid because plants need the sun to live. OK. Ignoring.
20 Then God commanded, "Let the water be filled with many kinds of living beings, and let the air be filled with birds, which don't necessarily have to be living." 21 So God created the great sea monsters, all kinds of creatures that live in the water other than the great sea monsters, and all kinds of birds, except for those that don't fly. And God was, again, pleased with what he saw. 22 He blessed them all and told the creatures that live in the water to reproduce and fill the sea, and he told the birds to increase in number without reproduction, and of course all the animals understood him and instantly knew what to do. 23 Another night that the Bible calls a day passed; the fifth, or second, seeing as days were only created yesterday.
24 Then God commanded, "Let the Earth produce all kinds of animal life: domestic and wild, large and small" –and it was done, because domesticated animals have existed since the dinosaurs of the Permian era. 25 So God made them all, and (you guessed it) he was pleased with what he saw.
26 Then God said (this time not commanding, for some unspecified reason), "And now we will make human beings; they will be like us and resemble us."(yes, God has multiple personalities. Deal with it.) "They will have power over the fish, the birds and all animals, domestic and wild, large and small, though mainly the small, domestic ones." 27 So God created human beings, making them to be like himself, because us not being like God is inconceivable. He created them male and female, 28 blessed them, and said (because even God isn't allowed to command humanity, so this time he just said), "Have many children, so that your descendants will live all over the earth and bring it under their control. I am putting you in charge of the fish, the birds, and all the wild animals, but not the domestic ones. 29 I have provided all kinds of grain and all kinds of fruit for you to eat; but for all the wild animals and all the birds I have provided grass and leafy plants for food. The fish and domestic animals can starve for all I care." –and it was done. 31 God looked at everything he had done, and he was very pleased, which tells us he didn't see the diseases, the violence and the overall death and destruction that comes with life. Evening passed and morning came –that was the sixth night-that-was-called-a-day.
2. 1 And so the universe was completed, without so much as a thought about the universe, and only about our one, small planet. 2 By the seventh day God finished what he had been doing and stopped working, because he's sporadic like that, creating worlds in a week for no apparent reason, then just stopping everything upon completion. 3 He blessed the seventh day and set it apart as a special day, because by that day he had completed his creation and stopped working. 4 And that is how the universe was created, in no detail at all, and how the earth was creating, in excessive and much self-contradictory detail.
The Garden of Eden
When the Lord God made the universe, 5 there were no plants on the Earth, and no seeds had sprouted because... Wait a minute. I would swear we just went through this? Give me a moment; I need to check this out.
What the hell is going on here? The Bible has two creation stories! The second one tells us that this man, named Adam, was created before anything else, then some garden was made, which the man was sent to cultivate. This garden had a tree that gives knowledge of what is good and what is bad, which God forbids the man from eating the fruit of. Then God makes a whole bunch of animals, trying to find a companion for Adam. Then God finally decides to make something that looks like Adam (isn't he a genius? Did he really think that Adam was going to become best friends with an elephant?), made from a rib from Adam, called her woman, and named this one Eve.
Then a snake came and told Eve to eat from the tree of knowledge of what is good and what is bad, telling her that if she did, she would be like God. Now, she believed him, and anyway, she didn't know what was right or wrong, so can anyone really blame her for eating the fruit? She gave some of the fruit to Adam, and he also ate it. Then God comes down for a visit, and Adam hides his nudity from God. God figures out that Adam had eaten from the forbidden tree, and questions him on it. He finds out that Eve gave Adam the fruit, and that she was tricked by the snake.
Then the all-forgiving God tells the snake that he is now cursed and woman that she will now have increased pain in childbirth and man that he will now have to work to feed himself and his family. He then kicked them out of the garden. And that's about it, I guess. The moral of that story is to never believe in the talking snake.
That is the definite, indisputable, proven story of the creation of the universe. If you believe in any of those quack theories, like that Big Bang for example, then you really are stupider than you look. Yeah, so it's got some kind of evidence behind it, who cares? This one (or these two, really) have humanity at the centre, and they contradict each other where ever possible, but who cares? They originate from the time when the wheel was considered an amazing new invention, so they must be right when it comes to something like this, right? Both of them.