Title: Not in the Slightest
Author: JLRivera
Fandom: Original
Genre: Angst, Romance, Holiday

Not in the Slightest

I wasn't really in the mood for celebrating this year. I had nothing to thank God for, not that I could believe in God after what happened. I don't think John and I can ever fully get over this loss.

One person that had been phenomenal throughout all of this is my mother. It was my turn to host Christmas dinner at my house. But after my miscarriage, she took over and made the most wonderful turkey roast and all of my favorite foods as side dishes. She even made my favorite comfort food: mac 'n' cheese.

That being said, I really couldn't participate in this year's tradition. As I watched everyone stand up and say what they wanted to thank God for, I just got so angry. It's unfair. My sister is a college dropout who continually makes my parents' life a living hell, but she's just found herself a wonderful job. I love my sister, really I do, but she's a spoiled brat who doesn't deserve anything that she's received this year. My brother, on the other hand is too young to have really experienced life, but he cheated his way through high school and made it to his Ivy League college. And then there's me. I worked my ass off in school, was the least problematic of all of us, never did drugs, and I'm a damn good person. I can at least feel comfortable admitting that. And what do I get? A miscarriage. The one job I feel I was always destined to do, I can't have. What's worse is that I'm still young, theoretically everything should be working, but they're not.

Finally, I got so angry as every one of my immediate family members stood up, that when it came time for me to say what I was thankful for I stood up and left not wanting to say my part or hear any other relatives.' As I walked through the house, I could hear the whispers starting, and John getting up to come after me. Before I knew it, I was in the kitchen, leaning against the sink and staring out the window. It helped. A little. Watching the snow fall made me feel a little better, but only a little.

Watching it didn't help enough to make me want to go back inside, so instead I headed out into the picturesque scene and enjoyed the crunch of my flats on the fresh snow. At this point, frostbite was the least of my worries. In fact, it wasn't even registering on my radar. Besides, my anger was keeping me plenty warm enough.

I walked down the driveway, my hands balled up into fists at my side, most likely with the biggest frown on my face. I walked past all of those cozy houses with lights in the windows and smoke coming out of their most likely fake chimneys, the whole time getting more angry by the second. I didn't know where exactly I was headed, but I knew that I had to get as far away from my family and all of their happy news. No doubt someone was going to announce a pregnancy or an engagement, and there was just no way I could handle that.

I ended up at the park that my siblings and I used to play at when we were little, back when everything was uncomplicated and easy. Back when I didn't want to be a mom, back when I was way to busy being a kid to even think about the future. I saw my favorite swings behind that new, blindingly colorful jungle gym they'd built in the last couple of years. I couldn't help letting a tear fall as I thought about how my daughter or son could have been playing on that. I walked past it before I could think of any more 'what ifs' and brushed off the seat of my favorite swing. This one was never the good one, but I liked it anyway. The squeak it would make as you swung gave it character. I sat down, this time instead of just a squeak, it groaned a little as it took all of my 29 year-old weight.

It took long enough for him to get here, I thought as John's footsteps made themselves heard.
"Aren't you cold?" He wrapped a jacket around my shoulders. His tone was careful, as though he were afraid I would break out into some fresh tears if he said something wrong.

"Anger does wonders against that."

He stood behind me and gently shook out the braids I had crafted this morning, and I heard something clunk to the ground behind me. "Nobody's pregnant," he offered.

"Good."

"We can try again, you know…"

"John, we tried for months just to get pregnant this time, look how that turned out."

"We can adopt…"

I didn't say anything for a while. "I already looked into it…we don't make enough money." It was always about the money, never about seeing how good someone will be as a parent. My grasp on the swing chains tightened.

John came around to face me and crouched to eye-level. "Does all of this make you love me less?"

"No, but you deserve someone who can actually give you a child. Doesn't it bother you that I'm…" it was hard to say the word, "…broken?"

"Not in the slightest."

I stared at him; he had to be lying. He cupped my cheek and gave me a soft kiss on the lips. We were quiet for a long time after that. I couldn't help but hope that our awkward non-fights were about to end now that everything had more or less been put out in the open. After a moment more, I started shivering and John grabbed a bag from behind me and pulled out my fuzzy boots that weren't meant to be worn in the snow. He clumsily shoved them on my feet and I had to readjust. He's adorable in that I'm-a-damned-fool sort of way.

"…I'm not giving up," he said as he helped me put on the jacket he'd given me earlier.

"But the plumbing's broken," I blurted out. "There's nothing left to do but give up."

"So what if 'the plumbing's broken?'" he poked fun at my momentary verbal diarrhea. "Think of it this way: we can have as much kinky sex as we want without having to worry about the kids hearing it." I couldn't help laughing at that; perhaps I'm not mature enough to have kids if that kind of stuff makes me laugh.

"It's been awhile since I've seen you laugh," he said after my chuckles had subsided.

"It's been awhile since we've been this honest with each other," I noted seriously. He nodded and helped me stand up. He turned his back to me and crouched again. "Uh… what?"

"Get on."

He gave me a piggyback ride all the way back to the house. Maybe there was something I could thank God for after all.