when you press the joint into my hands, eyes staring so intensely, I grab it without thinking. the air is so cold, so I press my jacket closer, feeling a shiver up my spine. you smirk, looking away and licking your lips. my lips part in an unconcious smile, before pressing the heat to my mouth, feeling the sharp sting in my throat, then watching the grey smoke dissapear into the air before me like a dying cloud. I hand it to someone else, as you slide up beside me, an arm on the rail behind my back.
even though you tell me i look pretty, I know that you're lying. i can see it in your eyes, beads of truth swimming like crazed fish. i see it in your stance, your arms, the tilt of your smile. I grin back, feeling the fluidity of my bones sinking into the wooden floor, the round fleshy moon a testament to my stupidity.
c'mon, you say, jerking your head away from everyone else. i follow like a lost sheep, clutching your warm fingers in my own. I resist the overwhelming urge to rub a finger across your fingernail, knowing it might feel under my skin like smooth pearly glass.
when you lay me down, your mask falls off, and for one split second i can see the scared person inside. i wish I could make you better, but i know this is your victory, the spoils of a war called 'the years of the teenager.' you don't want this, you don't need this.
you look so lonely in school, your eyes wide and glazed, your smile cheap. you laugh along with your friends, ignoring me when I pass by. always laughing. when I stare at you sometimes, i see this hollow empty shell. you kiss her, but I know she doesn't make you happy.
looking at you know, you're almost delicate, fragile in a sense, like some glowing angel underneath the light. I raise my arm, wanting to run my fingers along the edges of your hair. but instead i grab your neck and pull you down, tasting smoke and peppermint.
I dive into darkness with you, reeling from this endless fall with my skin shivering from the never-ending cold, like crystals embedded into my flesh, pressing deeper and deeper until they drive my senses mad.
when it's over, I want to capture a picture of your face, as you press your cheek aganist the cool ground whispering, wow. yeah, i say, reaching up and planting a kiss on your nose. you blink, and in this nano-second you seem to realize what you're up against, pulling yourself back with casual apathy, your eyes shifting like tetonic plates under your skin. my heart almost hurts, but the beer covers my chest like a veil, shielding it from any bad thoughts.
and i ignore my trembling hands.
when i see you again at school, you look better. your laugh is real, as you press your fingers against the softness of her hip, planting her with kisses that i never deserved. your hair is growing longer, the blonde bright now against your eyes. when I pass by, you ingore me, but I swear I can hear you laugh.