(My dad and me were watching a movie in black and white. I was very young, probably five or six.)

Me: Daddy, when did the world get color?


Me: So Jane, do you wear your glasses when you sleep?

Jane: No, I take them off.

Me: But then aren't you dreams blurry?


Ms. Calhoun: I think video games are cool, because you can change the way you look.

Class: (stares)

Ms. Calhoun: Oh please, there's nothing you would want to get rid of…or make bigger.

Me: No need.

Class: (stares at me)


Mr. Worthy: Chiefs often lead Indian Tribes

Joey: What about circles?

Mr. Worthy: Circles?

Joey: Yeah circles.

Mr. Worthy: Are you trying to confuse me, Joseph?

Joey: ….yes


Me: Mr. Worthy I can see you playing basketball in the short shorts and an Afro and those knee high socks.

Mr. Worthy: I didn't wear knee high socks, Jackson

Marcus: My dad wore knee high socks.

Me: Well, I see where you get your fashion sense.


William: (at school computer) Damn it, they blocked this site too!

Me: (Looks over to his screen) Dude, that's pornhub.

William: So?


Joey: Are you Tiffany's bitch?

William: Err. No?

Joey: That's not what you said last night!


(Cory and Johan are hitting each other with rulers)

Steven: Come on guys stop raping each other with rulers! It's not nice.


Tiffany: You don't like rabbits?

Tiffany's Dad: No.

Tiffany: Anyone that doesn't like a rabbit is evil! Rabbits are good for your soul!

Tiffany's Dad: I have no soul.


Me: (walking down the hall) Sometimes I wish I were Asian…

Random Asian Person: (passes by and hears me) Trust me, it's not all that it's cracked up to be.


Justin: Mr. Worthy, Joey took my pencil!

Mr. Worthy: Do I have 'Daddy' stamped on my forehead?


Mr. Worthy: Sometimes when they lynched people, they would put certain body parts in their mouths.

William: Ooh, I saw that once in a video. But she was, white, and a woman…and naked.


Setting: Earth Science Lab

Isabel: Damn, why isn't this getting wet? It's supposed to be moist. You put water on it right?

Me: Yea. Maybe I need to get wetter water.


Mrs. Barlas: (in her southern accent) did you know that?

Acacia: Know what?

Mrs. Barlas: That I wouldn't touch that with a ten-foot pole.

Acacia: What?

Mrs. Barlas: Okay.


Me: Dad, why don't the eggs we eat have chicks in them.

Dad: Well food eggs aren't fertilized

Me: What does that mean?

Dad: Well, the eggs we eat are part of…the chicken's menstrual cycle.

Me: We're eating the chicken's period?

Dad: Well, yes.

Me: I don't think I want eggs for breakfast anymore.


Isabel: Hey Jackson.

Me: Hi Isabel, what's up?

Isabel: Well, I'm obviously bored or else I wouldn't be talking to you!


Mr. Worthy: Uh, you students remind just like my ex-wife!

Class: Which one?


Mr. Worthy: Andrei, what did you get for number twelve?

Andrei: B

Mr. Worthy: C?

Andrei: No I said B. B as in apples.

Me: Please tell me your trying to be funny.

Andrei: Huh?


Marcus: It was funny, my uncles friend happened to be the father of my friend that i met in band camp that played the flute.

Joey: So does that mean you are your own grandpa?


Person I can not say: What happens when you put a paper clip in an electric outlet?

Me: Dunno, how bout you go try it?