How to Get Rid of Headaches
This is a fun little read. Created out of boredom and mostly stupidity. Referenced jokes may occur. Laugh with caution.
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Tired of headaches? Always complaining to everyone you know about them? Are people avoiding you, because you are unsure of yourself? Throw all that stuff aside, inside, or at someone's face, and use "Dave's quick, easy, and slightly harmful method" to losing those 'gosh darn' headaches!
[ Dave's quick, easy, and slightly harmful method should be used by no one, under no circumstances, whatsoever. Side effects include, but are not limited to: colon cancer, nausea, severe nose spasms, SPINAL TAP, a brain tu-mah, your brain turning into jelly (without the peanut butter), loss of a pinky finger, "Bluuud!', "Thas' no funny!", growth of third wenis, and, or, the ability to kill a yak from 200 yards away with mind bullets. You should not try the method if you are pregnant, think you are pregnant, or are unsure of yourself. Don't ask a professional doctor because he won't know Jack-Squat of what you're talking about. ] *1
Step 1: Lose Friends
-I know it sounds horrible but it is sure to work. Friends, more than once, make you go insane, by their abilities to confuse you in a state of panda-monium. Yes, some of them are good, so keep those special few. Although, the others! They make your brain hurt! If so, then drop them into the abyss from whence they came. *2
[EXCEPTION: DAVE DOES NOT, EVER, FALL INTO THE ABYSS CATEGORY]
Step 2: Move to a Tropical Island
-You can't go wrong with a tropical island with no inhabitants but your lonesome. There is absolutely no way you can get a headache, if you are lying on the beach, with the crystal blue waves at your feet. Its more like tropical therapy of the soothing nature. But just watch out for those venomous animals that seem to only live on your island! And they are attracted to lonesomes who are unsure of themselves. Especially your panda!
Step 3: Relax. Eat. Sleep. Repeat.
-Follow "word-a-word". Although your panda may to what he/she pleases.
*1 - If you use the method, even though it does implicate you NOT to use it, no repercussions of the method may be used to bring uprising in Soviet Russia. In Soviet Russia, governments coup you!!
*2 - Sharp, body-piercing rocks at bottom of abyss: not included.
- Spinal Tap: The Movie
- Arnold Schwarzenegger
- Weird You-Tube Videos
- Tenacious D
- Soviet Russia
(I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING I HAVE TALKED ABOUT OR DO PROFIT FROM SUCH FORWITHED. NONETHELESS, I DO NOT CONSIDER PROFITING FROM LAUGHTER, AND IF SUCH businesses, companies, organizations, bands, funny television shows, major corporations, the government, or Soviet Russia CONSIDER THOSE ACTIONS TO BE PROFITABLE, YOU CANNOT LAUGH WHEN READING THIS METHOD. THANK YOU AND HAVE A NON-LAUGHING DAY.)