Killer Intentions

By: Ryan Smith


Conrad-Main character. Annoyed at his life.

Edmond-co-worker of conrad, very ecitable

The killer-A man who is trying to be a serial killer

Marie-conrad's sister and lover of The Killer

Sarah-Conrads Girlfriend

Holland-police officer

man in ninja turtle suit(MINTS)-Turtle rights Activist


Note: No people(or turtles) were harmed in the making of this play.

(The set is simply a wall, chair, and a table. It is night time and the news is playing on an old radio. One side of the wall is a door way, the other enters an imaginary hall. The scene opens with a man sitting in the chair at the table.)

Act 1:

Scene 1

Conrad God I hate my job! Always writin numbers and tallies. Never any variety. Never any fun. What the hell became of me. I turned into some...some lame ass accountant! Why cant this crap end?

(Edmond runs in through door with a frantic look on his face.)

Edmond Ohmygod,Ohmygod, Ohmygod! Conrad, dude, there is a Serial Killer on the lose! He's already gotted five people today! Are you locked up tight? DO you have food stashes? Do you have a G...Gun!

Conrad Seriously Edmond, chill the fuck out. Nothings gonna happen, nothing ever does. Go home and get some sleep. We have work at five in the fucking morning and it's already past midnight. Get your ass in bad before I kick it there.

Edmond S-sure thing Conrad. I'll see ya bright and early then. Just...if I don't show tomorrow, I am probably dead. (exits)

Conrad (sighs) What the hell was that all about? It dont matter, I need to get to bed, take my own advice. If I dont, the boss 'll kick my ass for me.(gets up and walks over to hallway. Exits)

(Killer enters through door)

Killer Ah, what a beautiful home to practice my art in. I wonder if anyone is home. Probably, though they are probably in bed by now. I wonder whats on the radio.

(changes radio staions until it lands on the news, which it had already been on, though now he pays attention)

RadioOur story tonight revolves around a serious of mysterious deaths, believed to all be connected to the same serial killer. The bodies were all found with knife wounds on their chest and blunt trauma to the head. Authorities are calling the culprit 'Turtle Waxer'. No further information is known.

Killer Wow, seems I've gotten famous today. But what the hell is this 'Turtle Waxer' baloney? I deserve better than that. Something like...Like 'Night Terror' or 'The Beast-Man'. Yet I am stuck with 'Turtle Waxer', how lame is that? I oughta go after the guy who made that up.

(Footsteps are heard down the hall and Killer hides behind curtains on wall)

Conrad (offstage) What was that noise in there? I am warning you I have a gu...Holy shi......... ( a large crash is heard and Killer emerges from curtains and runs off stage. He comes back cleaning his knife)

Killer Of all the shitty luck. That is the sixth time someone beat me to the person. Well, the stab in the chest will make them think I did this. Now...all I need is Marie to show up and I can move on. (Marie enters through door) Speak of the devil. How are you my little kinky bunny?

Marie Oh I'm fine. And how is my big..'Snake' doing? (Walks over and grabs Killer's crotch) I see he is doing well.

Killer Oh-ho My bunny, are you suggesting you want to...have some your own brothers home? You really are kinky, aren't you?

Marie Oh yes. Care to find out how much.

Killer Most definitely!

(Both exit and scene fades)

Scene 2

(The table and chair are taken away and the wall is turned around and becomes a brick wall. A small, plastic turtle is placed in the center of the stage, another near stage right. A girl is crying near stage right. Edmond enters stage left.)

Edmond Oh, I hope Conrad was right. I really dont want to die, not without at least going to Amsterdam for a week. I say, what is that I hear? Crying? Ohmygod...It's Sarah. Hey Sarah! Whats you cryin for?

Sarah It...It's Conrad...he...he wont answer my calls. Oh god edmond...what if he hates me? I should have went to bed with him last night. Oh god.....why did I say no? I wanted it to....I just...I just...

Edmond Hey, hey, I'm sure it aint that. He's probably just in bed. Come over here and we can talk.

Sarah (gets up and makes to walk over to Edmond, but trips on turtle in center and falls down, dying on impact.) C..Conra...

Edmond Good GOD! Sarah! (Rushes over to her and trips on second turtle and falls down, dying on impact. Enter Killer and Marie)

Killer Damnit! Every dang time. I am sick and tired of this. Marie, we need to find out who the heck is stealing all my kills!

Marie Sure honey, whatever you say.

(Killer leaves in a fit of rage)

Marie You'd think he'd give it up after fucking me. Just goes to show you how intolerable men are. Oh well, he's getting famous, so I'm happy. Oh, looks like he forgot to steal the credit. (Stabs Edmond and Sarah then exits where Killer did.)

End Act 1

Act 2

Scene 1

(Killer and Marie enter stage left. MINTS is at stage right. It is day time. The set is the same brick wall now with a cart set out in front of MINTS distributing turtle merchandise)

MINTS Turtle Shirts! Turtle Shades! Turtle Backpacks! Turtle Tennis shoes! Get your turtle gear here and save the turtles!

Killer Look at that nut job Marie. I bet you he aint had a girl since the whore he bought in college. Hehe, what a dumbass.

Marie Sure hun, whatever you say.

Killer You know what I don't get? I don't get why they allow people like this chump to run around. I think he could do with a good stabbing. Whadda say? Not turtles to stop me this time. (Walks up to MINTS and taps his shoulder, then tries to stab him. The knife bounces of the suit.)

MINTS Hah!This suits shell is practically indestructible. I bought it three years ago at a comic convention. It is made of hardened steel alloy, which is like adamantium to your knife. Haha! You probably don't even know what that is. Feel your brain melt by the power of my intelligence and turtle skill!

Killer What the hell is your problem dude? Your crazy, I'm outta here. (starts walking away, but suddenly trips on something)

Marie Oh, that sucks. You had it coming hun, best I was here to see it. So turtle dude, your the one who's been Killing all these people?

Mints What! What do you mean killing people? I am but a humble turtle rights activist, I would never hurt a person!

Marie Wait, the that means...

(Conrad enters stage left)

Conrad Yes dear sister, I am alive.

Marie Then...then who's body was that in the hall?

Conrad Someone I had killed earlier that day. Your boyfriend was to stupid to notice though.

Marie B-but why! You killed your best friend, you even killed your girlfriend!

Conrad Because I wanted a change. Anyways, my best friend was annoying as hell and my girlfriend wouldnt let me fuck her even after eight years. I hated my life, so I did the best thing I could think to do. Remove everything that made it suck. You sister are the last. I have planned these all perfectly. The turtles will all be traced back to that Ninja Turtle man over there and all the stabbings to you and your toy.

Marie what do you mean? I'm not dead ye...Oh god! (trips and falls down, dies on impact.)

Conrad Good day to you turtle man, have fun when the police take you away.(bows mockingly and begins to walk off)

MINTS Not so fast bucko. (Voice is noticeably gruffer. Pulls out a badge and waves it at Conrad.) I've been workin undercover just to catch you, 'Turtle Waxer' Conrad. Your under arrest for eight counts of murder. Get yer ass over here, your comin with me.

Conrad Well shit...dont that just beat all.