A/N: I get bored sometimes, and think about stuff. And then I write it down. I apologize in advance; unless you took this 'essay' seriously, in which case you deserved the possible brain damage. XD

Pot Calls Kettle Black; Everyone Shocked

I've been thinking lately. Sometimes about cheese, mostly about a phrase everybody knows and loves to use.

"Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black?"

Is it? Is it really?

When you think about it, it doesn't make much sense. I mean, we just assume that both the pot and the kettle are black. And you know what they say happens when you assume… Ninjas attack in the night and feast on your spleen.

At least, that's how I heard it. Anyway.

What if the pot is gray, and the kettle is yellow? Then if the pot called the kettle black, it would be nonsense. And if, in this situation, the pot called the kettle yellow, it would just be correct. We would then name the pot 'Captain Obvious' and think it was maybe… stupid.

Then there's the fact that these are talking kitchen utensils. Now, I'm all for giving names and personality traits to inanimate objects. I've gone as far as to name my piano Herbert. But even I, as delusional and silly as I can sometimes be, know that Herbert could never talk. And if he did start talking to me, I would go for a psych evaluation, after, of course, asking if he could help me to be THE BEST PIANO PLAYER EVER.

I digress.

Let's just say that kitchen utensils talk all the time when we're not around; for the sake of argument. Why is the pot calling the kettle anything? Did it start out as a friendly conversation, and degenerate from there? Perhaps the kettle didn't understand that the pot was just pointing out the obvious. Or have the pot and kettle been feuding for a while? Is the pot racist? I mean, really.

We have to think about the tough questions, here, folks.

Did the kettle run away with that whore, the spoon? Maybe the spoon and the pot had something going on, and the kettle came round, flashed some shiny bits and screwed the whole thing up.

In the interests of science, I propose a question: If kitchen implements could argue, what would they argue about?

I think it's a question of great importance to the universe at large, and it needs to be answered. In fact, I think it could change the way we live our lives. You never know; figuring this out could decrease global warming, or free the dolphins… or was that killer whales? Oh, I don't know. It could solve world hunger, maybe, probably not.

In conclusion, I find that this phrase is just a bit silly. I base this, of course, on the following factors: 1) We are assuming things about both pot and kettle that we do not conclusively know to be true; it is certainly not true about all pots and kettles that they are all black(all of which I have seen are usually silver in color, as they are stainless steel). And 2) Kitchen utensils do not talk (that I know of), and so they cannot, in fact, call each other anything.

As such, it is my personal opinion, based on years of research (the ten minutes it took me to write this essay, and the five in between spent trying to catch my pot and kettle in the middle of an argument), that we should just stick to calling each other hypocrites, because that is what we are trying so desperately to say, anyway.