I sat at my desk, with notes scattered in front of me, reviewing them for tomorrow, my final exam. I was so caught up in my notes, I didn't even hear the door open and his footsteps towards me. I was caught off guard, feeling his arms snake around my shoulders and lock tight around me. He nestled his face in my hair and inhaled. The soft cotton of his t shirt rubbed gently against my neck. The smell of hair gel and deodorant that was constant wherever he went, now infused the two of us. The moment was so special, so precious. Nothing was said, nothing needed to be said. The feelings were known to both of us. In that moment I had an epiphany, all the trouble, anguish, secrets, lies and love that was the basis of the basis of our relationship, was all worth it, he was worth it.

However as I recall this memory, this moment in time where nothing else seemed important except for the feelings the two people in that room held for each other that day, that minute, that moment… I sit in a hallway with bland walls and people rushing by me every second. A nurse walks towards me with a clipboard in her hand. She says I can go in now. I leave the chair and approach the door. It creaks slightly as I open it, and step into the shadow of the doorway. As I stand and gaze, frozen, the world seems to stop, dead.

The only sound that floods my brain is the constant beeping of the heart monitor in slow succession.


I step out from the comfort of the shadows to his bedside.


His eyes are shut. He lies motionless, almost lifeless on the bed, except for the beeping.

His arms lie quietly on either side of his body.

His skin is chillingly pale, the only hint of colour lies in the dark shading beneath his eyes.

I lean down, overcome with sadness, to hug him lightly.

The infusion of his hair gel and deodorant is no longer there. His black raven hair lies flat, untouched.


The strangling silence is almost unbearable.

"…I love thee with a constant love that will never end until the sun grows cold and the stars grow old…"


A nurse steps meekly through the door. She fiddles with the clipboard at the end of his bed, then walks to the monitor. She smiles timidly at me, I do not return it.

She speaks in a whisper. She tells me he's in no great pain, that the morphine is a great ease for him, as in that's supposed to make it better for me?

I reach out and touch his hand. The iciness makes my blood cold and my bones shiver… and yet I cannot let go of it.

The nurse still continues to stand there observing us, for what I do not know.

She speaks again, this time with a sense of guilt in her voice.

"The cancer spread rapidly. I'm sorry we couldn't do more."