A TOURIST'S GUIDE TO HELL
Hello! Welcome to Hell! No, no don't worry you're not dead yet, you're just on vacation. This guidebook will tell you exactly what to see, where to eat and the who's who of Hell.
DO NOT EAT ANYTHING OFFERED TO YOU IN HELL!!
DO NOT BUY ANY FOOD OR DRINK!!
Eating Hell's food will force your soul to remain in Hell for eternity. That being said, if you must eat the food go to Cerberus Grill. The manburger's there are fantastic. If not, remember to pack your own food, and bring plenty of water. An average day in Hell is 120 degrees Fahrenheit, so drink up.
While walking around Hell, one has the opportunity to meet many famous and not-so famous damned souls. However, the truly rotten are kept in the deepest pits of Tartarus. While viewing of the tortured is free, the lines are huge, so come early if you want a good spot.
If you are looking for something a little more romantic, take a walk through the woods of suicide. Here you can walk in this grove, where souls trapped in trees are forced to relive their death over and over again forever. The wailing makes a nice background noise, which blocks out the screams from the rest of Hell quite nicely. If that doesn't suit your fancy, go for a boat ride on the River Styx or swimming in the boiling Mucous Lake.
For entertainment there are concerts played nightly, by famous musicians, using their own organs as instruments. Many afternoons the Arch-Daemon Asmodeus leads a parde of sinners, undergoing self-torture, through the streets. However don't let them grab you and make you join the "fun".
Rulers of Hell and demonic hierarchy
DISCLAIMER: If you value your sanity, life and soul, you will follow this guide EXACTLY. If you don't we are not responsible for what will happen to you.
If you are incredibly (un)lucky you may be granted an audience with the three rulers of Hell, Lucifer, Beelzebub and Mephisto. Do not look them in the face. Ever. Do not try to bargain with them, unless you have something valuable to offer. And no, your soul is not valuable. Odds are they'll probably end up with it anyway. The high, but not ruling class daemons are known Rhymers. Chief amongst the rhymers are Neron and Etrigan. You can pick out Rhymers, because they only speak in rhymes and riddles. Any other type of daemon is worth your fear but not your respect. The last Beings you should be made aware of are the Sprits of Vengeance, Eclipso and The Spectere. Designated by THE PRESENCE, these two can condemn the souls of the living to Hell. While not malicious by nature, they are quick to anger and even quicker to judge.
ONE LAST NOTE
Do your best not to: give out your name, stick out, be noticed and above all come back alive. Have Fun!!