Fairytale My Ass

I had not expected to be given life. I am an inanimate object, incapable of moving or speaking, much less writing. Or at least I was. Yet I write this. I write this to tell you what happened on the ride before the ball. Before she met her prince and before she came rushing back inside of the transportation that blue lady turned me into.

Hmm…not making much sense, am I?

Bibi dee baba dee boom? Sound familiar? No?

How 'bout ugly, evil stepsisters? Getting closer? Still no? Come on, you idiots. I tried to tell you this story nicely, but you're pissin' me off.

Ah, I know what will stimulate that odd, simple brain of yours. Cinderella. Yes? Remember now? Of course you do. It's about time, morons.

Magic is powerful shit. It was able to turn me into a white and gold carriage for a beautiful woman. Actually, no. She wasn't as beautiful as they made her out to be. She was alright. I've seen better. As a humble pumpkin in a patch growing where ladies walk by every day, there is much to be seen. No skirt was too short from my point of view, if you know what I mean.

Ah yes, those simple days before my crazy-ass ride to and from that castle. Before that fat, blue fairy bitch whacked me with her shitty excuse for a wand. Magic is powerful, because it's painful. You try getting hit with a thick, white stick that makes you grow, in just a matter of seconds, in places that aren't meant to be stretched out. Those are tender areas. It fuckin' hurts! And don't let the "harmless" fairy powder on that devil stick fool you. That shit gets on you and it gives you a nasty rash that lasts for days.

The day of the ball, I was, as always, hanging out in the front yard garden, with the rest of my brothers, observing the young female ladies as they passed me by. It's a nice way to spend the days. I never tired of it, even though I had been doing it, everyday, for my month and three weeks' lifespan.

Night soon overlapped the setting sun. A black curtain dropped onto the kingdom as small, twinkling orbs of light scattered across the sky. See, bitches, I can write too. Anyways, I was thinking about the cute brunette peasant that brightened my day when she passed by, too poor to afford panties, when I heard a familiar whine.

Cinderella scampered by me, weeping as usual, only this time her garments were the remains of what once was a decent looking pink dress. She disrupted the night's silence with her cries as she wept on a stone bench. It was annoying, just like all the other times. Why doesn't she just run away? I don't understand women. That's why I just admire them.

Just as I was about to kill myself, which is not true since I couldn't move at that actually move at that point in time, I see a sparkle of light and that's when that blue fairy bitch pops out. Here is where I'm going to tell you the truth. This is why I began to write this and why I became a chain smoker.

There was no cheery singing to colorful lyrics, no mice wearing human clothes danced, and definitely no merry magic usage. Basically, it was here ya go, a wave of the wand, midnight deadline, see ya later.

But before the see ya later, a wand was pointed at my face and suddenly I could no longer see under the skirts of girls. Thanks a lot, you fat, blue bitch.

So, Cinderella, all dolled up, climbs inside of me and refuses to shut the fuck up! "How will the ball be? I hope there's good food. I still can't believe that happened! This dress is so beautiful and amazing and..and..incredible! Look at these threads! And the shoes! Wow!"

The only thing that she talked about more than her dress was the prince. "I wonder how the prince looks…I hope he's handsome." She would then blush and say, "What if he asks me to…" She would never finish her sentence.

This was more annoying than her nightly weeps. But while she was talking to herself like a freakin' maniac inside of me, causing my eardrums to tear, my nose was suffering something ten times worse: the smell of horse ass times two.

I told you magic was powerful. It must have had some side effect on whatever it was the blue bitch used for horses because those bitches were letting some loose after every few gallops. And not just the simple popping ones. I mean shit-yourself-God-I'm-coming chains of gas bombs. I could feel the toxic gas eating at my tongue and I had my mouth shut during the whole ride.

Finally, we arrive at the castle. It was huge and classy…yadda, yadda, yadda. Same shit like any other royal building. I was glad we stopped because the horses in front of me quit farting. Somehow motion provokes something in their asses. I was soon proved wrong when one of them took a shit.

Cinderella left me rather quickly, finally letting me hear my own thoughts. I was most grateful for the latter. I spent most of my time admiring the fair and royal ladies that passed me by. Unfortunately, my increased size did not allow me to look up their skirts, but I was able to look down their dresses. It wasn't all that bad. I guess that fat fairy didn't mess me up that bad, but it didn't mean I wished to stay in my current form.

Suddenly, I recognized the woman in the light blue dress that was accompanied by the man in the white suit up in the balcony. Cinderella did manage to get alone with the prince after all. Lucky bitch. I wonder what her stepsisters and stepmom would say if they saw her there.

I could only see their upper bodies, but it was clear that Cinderella and the prince were…only talking. Well, that's boring. Did she actually like the guy? He had a wart on his chin the size of the moon. I know 'cause I could see it down from where I was. I would see the prince advance on her, hint to her with flirtatious touches to her shoulder and neck and face. She would back away and only smile.

Guess she's not as much of a whore as I thought she was.

I began to bore with the futile game the prince was playing and decided to take a nap; however, I soon felt a great pinch on my side and I realized that Cinderella had yanked open the door that had been magically impaled in me earlier that night.

I was suddenly racing off back to Cinderella's house, the echo of the clock's midnight strokes hovering around the air.

Damn bitch. How hard is it to keep track of time?

It was then that I noticed a shoe was missing from her foot and she was franticly trying to zip up her dress. So the prince's advances managed to get him some action after all. I guess royalty doesn't necessarily mean nobility.

Plus, I knew she really was a whore.

I then felt myself shrinking in size. Somehow, Cinderella was sitting on me, not in me, her clothes back to a shredded dress. I was back to my original size! Yes! Back to seeing my lovely, lovely panties!

Now, most think I was trampled on and disappeared from the story forever, or that I simply spoiled and withered away.

UNTRUE!

Like I said, magic is powerful shit. Some weird side effect from the blue fairy's devil stick has kept me alive and given me abilities I did not have before. I can now roll at will where I please and use my stem to communicate. I have lived through the times and have seen the variations of the Cinderella story. It finally pissed me off how "Disney" it has become. That's why I wrote this. I wanted to give you dead brains the taste of how she really was. Tell your daughters to stay away from idolizing her.

But above all, I still look up lady's skirts. I love these new stings called thongs.


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