Chapter 1- Who's the bp?
She pinned me to the wall and grabbed me between my legs, and without giving me a chance to think she kissed me with bursting passion, and a rush of emotions filled my chest. My eyes closed and the confusion I had initially felt had disappeared, my arms wrapped around her waist, holding her tightly. Slowly I lowered my hand down her back and she raised them. I don't think she liked that. Why can she grab my balls but I can't feel her beautiful behind? After the long kiss our lips unlocked and we stared at each other in silence. The sound of my heart thumping could be heard clearly. I felt an urge to break the silence by asking her why I couldn't feel her butt, I opened my mouth but she put her finger in it. A bit startled and not knowing what to do I started to suck on it slightly. While I'm doing this I tried to grab her ass again, I pulled her closer as my hand snaked behind her slowly. But she grabbed my hand only to put my finger in her mouth and we sucked on each others fingers for a while. I take out both our fingers out of each others mouths and we started kissing again. Here's another chance to do it. I tried to concentrate even though she was nibbling on my lower lip. We were French kissing fervently but I still thought about grabbing her butt. My hands lower themselves carefully and so far there was no resistance, I falter for a second not sure if I should continue. Suddenly both her hands grabbed my face like it was a watermelon and pushed her mouth so hard against mine that I banged my head on the wall behind me. I realized with her hands on my face she was not stopping me. My heart does a little dance of joy for I am there with my hands poised ready to pounce with a kung fu grip and NOTHING can come between me and her ass.
BANG! The door opens so hard it rebounds against the wall, the lights turn on and the air conditioner is turned off in one fluid motion. I opened my eyes slowly but I already know what happened. I was sleeping and the whole thing was a dream, a really good dream but sadly not real. Having done the damage of waking me up my mom tells me the bus is coming in fifteen minutes and I better get moving or I will miss school. I wished I did.
I sat there in the bus seat with the phased out look people have in the morning and I rubbed my beady eyes as I thought of a girl I called bp. I fantasized and thought about her everyday but no matter how hard I tried she did not visit my dreams (except for the one time I dreamt me and her were reading a joke book). Meanwhile a girl I haven't seen or thought about in years smashes her way into my dreams (the 'Unattainable Ass' dream from the first paragraph). If you're wondering who bp is then I couldn't tell you much about her, as a matter of fact I knew nothing except for the fact that she was hot, she might have been a bisexual and I had crush on her that was larger than I could handle.
The bus was a hard place to think about the bp because it was like a monkey cage in the zoo. It was very noisy to the extent that even the bus driver usually wore earmuffs, which he unfortunately forgot today and the kids made him regret it. One small devilish boy in particular sitting right in front of me was sparking trouble by calling other kids names. But I ignored the noises and started fantasizing about the bp again. I didn't get anywhere because the noise in the bus reached a critical point and the bus driver had a bit of a problem with that.
'SHUUUUUUT UUUUUUP!!!' he yelled and the whole bus froze as the driver braked in the middle of the road and turned around with a red face. The monkey cage was silent the rest of the way.
I entered the school and made my way to form class feeling a little nervous in case I met one of the many teachers I owe some essay or homework to. Walking down the English hall I noticed a fine girl walking in front of me wearing the tightest red pants. I couldn't stop looking. When she turned left into the library my head followed her mesmerizing body so I was walking with my head sideways, which was risky. Next thing I found myself crashing into my English teacher that I owe a three weeks overdue essay. I hoped she didn't remember.
'Oh shit! Sorry,' I exclaimed as I bent over to help her pick up her bag but she had already picked it up so my hand grabbed air. I stood straight quickly putting my hand awkwardly in my pocket.
'Its okay but you better watch where you're going!' she replied.
'Sorry' I said.
'It's alright. I'll see you in class.' As soon as she says this I realize I must not attend her class to avoid any trouble over the essay.
'We don't have a class today Mrs. Daisy.' I was lying, we did have a class.
'Yes we do and I expect to see you there.' She tells me this very firmly.
'Are you sure?' I knew I was pushing it but I couldn't stop myself. 'Because I am positively sure we have nothing today.'
'Listen to me young man, I am three times your age, and my brain is three times more matured than yours. When I tell you we have a class today you nod three times and say yes Mrs. Daisy before I go ahead and give you detention. And since the number three is a recurring theme today you must know that your essay is three weeks overdue and I expect it today in class.'
'Yes Mrs. Daisy,' I nodded three times
'Good. Now move along.' She walked past me down the hall. I continued passed the library swearing to never look at a girls butt while walking down school halls.
Feeling miserable I went into the foreign languages hall and headed towards my form classroom. The thought of it cheered me up a little because for the last couple of days I have been arriving early only to find the bp sitting alone in the form class. Usually after I sat down a really dense, awkward silence took place. It felt like the deafening quiet after a really bad joke, something I knew about.
But today, I vowed to myself, was going to be different. I would defy all odds and break down the barriers of uncomfortable silence with witty dialogue and amiable sexual innuendos. I would charm and disarm the bp and have her blushing with delight.
I reached my class and it was empty. I hurried to my seat and threw my bag on the table; quickly I sat down, pulled a bored intelligent look on my face, leant back on my chair and waited. I heard footsteps, was that her? No it's just my anorexic friend Toqie.
I've known Toqie for four years; I met him through a mutual friend called Ibbi. We started hanging out and it turned out we had a lot of things in common, for example we both like rap, we both enjoy the same comedy shows and we both have a huge crush on the same girl.
I still remember the day I found out he liked the bp. We were sitting at the bench area and he asked me who I had a crush on. I refused to tell him but he started asking me yes or no questions. 'Is she in your maths class?' 'Does she have red hair?' 'Does her name start with Z?' The details of the questions had surprised me. I could tell that he was thinking of the bp. For one second I thought he was reading my mind. When he finally just said her name I asked which one (there is another girl with the same name) and he said the one in chemistry class. Ever since then we've stayed close friends. I'm still friends with Toqie to this day and sometimes I tell him our mutual crush for the bp is what kept us good friends. He doesn't agree but he knows it's true.
'Wassup Toqie. I thought you were the bp.'
'Oh please she has nothing on me.'
'Yah except no one wants to screw you'
'Oh fuck that man cause I do the screwing, it's hardcore,' said Toqie. 'Anyway man does she come this early?'
'Do you chat?' asked Toqie. I chuckled softly, pulled a serious face and said:
'You wanna know what happens?'
'What?' he asked.
'Shhhh. Can you hear that?' I whispered raising a finger in the air. Toqie became quiet and listened.
'So did you hear it?' I asked him.
'I didn't hear shit.'
'You heard nothing and that's exactly what happens with me and the bp.' I tell him this with a grin and he starts laughing.
'But you wouldn't believe what actually did happen yesterday,' Toqie said when he finished laughing.
'What, with the bp?'
'No with Fudu,' his words were dripping with sarcasm; Fudu was a friend of ours.
'You slept with him?' I act as if I didn't catch the sarcasm, 'were you on top?'
'Ha ha motherfucker, I'm serious though.' Toqie then commenced to tell me his story, 'I was down in the narrow hall next to that huge art room….'
'Which hall?' I interrupt him.
'It's the hall next to the huge art room,' I still had a confused look on my face, 'the one lined up with the lockers.' I still looked confused. 'It's the fucking hall right outside this room. You know the one where we were sitting down that day and then the bp came and the hook nosed motherfucker Trechus was there and you had the Lord of the Rings book, then she said she wanted to read it and you didn't even look at her.'
'Huh?' I was lost. Toqie looked at my clueless face and walked out of the room and I thought he was so frustrated that he was leaving. But he stopped just outside the door and pointed to his right.
'THIS FUCKING HALL' he yelled.
'Oh,' I said with a sheepish smile, 'that hall.'
He came back and proceeded to tell me the story, which was about the bp and how she hit his elbow by accident. He said she then apologised and rubbed his elbow out of remorse. I was really jealous of him and really aggravated that it hadn't happened to me. But months later I found out that this story was a steaming pile of bullshit. He had just made it up on the spur of the moment. If Toqie had a special talent it was that he could bullshit better than Van Gogh could paint. Even though I was sceptical of that story and many other ones, I still could never tell if he was telling the truth because of his tour de force poker face. We then start talking about a movie we both liked called Barbershop. In particular we were talking about a scene where some guys discuss a wonderful theory about female butts that states the ratio of butt to waist should be 3:1.
'And remember when Ricky is like 'it's all about the ratio'?' I ask laughing.
'Yah and then he says break it down cuz and he says Jennifer Lopez.' We were both cracking up really badly at this point.
'Women with a big ass.' We shouted in unison as we both burst out laughing, heads thrown back and mouths open wide. At that stupid moment the bp showed up. There she was at the doorway, the princess of my fantasies.
Bp had blood red hair that was shoulder length. She had the severely delicate face of an angel and big round eyes as deep as the ocean. Her lips were perfect like honey dipped strawberries. Dressed in a blue chequered shirt and black pants was the most optimal babe in the world. The top three buttons of her shirt were open revealing her smooth chest and welcoming cleavage.
She looked at me and Toqie laughing like hyenas on crack and made her way to a seat on the other side of the class. As me and Toqie sobered up I told him I would see him later and he left. The bp and I were finally alone and between us we shared this thick heavy emptiness.
She took out some school notes and started to leaf through them. I looked at her sideways and I felt funny in my chest, a sort of gleeful nervousness was taking over me. My head felt light and it was buzzing with things to say but I couldn't grasp at my own thoughts, my palms were suddenly sweaty and the room felt really cold. I thought to myself 'what's the worst that could happen?' I knew deep down that she would never feel the same way I do about her, she'll never feel like putting her fingers through my hair or massaging my feet. I just wanted her to speak to me, I wasn't that demanding. Finally I took a hold of myself and I opened my mouth to let out the trapped hysteria in my mind.
'Hey uh….' words were actually stuck in my throat, 'How're you doing?' I managed to spurt. She turned around slowly and looked at me with stone cold eyes and with absolutely no expression in her face.
Then I thought I noticed a flicker of a smile but it was gone before I could be sure. Saying nothing she turned back to her notes and I turned back to my besmirched manhood to look for my crushed balls. You would've thought that would've killed my hope for her but it didn't.
But what happened later on at the common room almost destroyed my self esteem to no length.
Chapter 2 – Sapphic Erotica
'Oh man you have balls' Toqie said.
'I just said hey' I replied 'and anyway it wasn't worth it man.'
'She's one cold bitch and I like it,' he said as he took books out of his locker. 'But if she had done that to me I would have raped that whore.'
'Man you've seen too much whack porn,' I said as we started to head to the stairwell, 'Where are you going to be in first break?'
'Common room,' said Toqie. 'Come there man. You're always in the fucking library.'
'I don't feel right in the common room'
'Oh come on what's the worst that could happen?'
'I don't know but today didn't start well,' I recalled the meeting with Mrs. Daisy and it made me shudder. We made our way up the stairs where we met Ibbi and Fudu.
Ibbi was my first official friend since I started in this high school 3 years ago. I remember being in the cafeteria eating by myself and contemplating an exam I just finished. I was really worried because I had wasted half the time trying to cheat and the other half sculpting the end of my pen with my teeth. Anyways after that gruelling ordeal, which resulted in a failed mark and a pen cap that looked like a wet raisin, I was finding comfort in the cafeteria spring roll that was overdosed on oil. And Ibbi just sat down opposite me and started talking. I found out he was new and being a new student myself we got stuck together ever since.
Fudu on the other hand was the newest guy in my 'click' of friends. He started off very shy and quiet, so much so that when a teacher got his name wrong he didn't correct him and the teacher mispronounced it till the end of the year (he called him Fuku). But this all changed after he was introduced unwittingly to weed by some other friends and now he will start talking out of the blue about the nastiest subjects he can think of.
'Is it true what Fudu told me?' Ibbi asked me after slapping me very hard on my back that I almost lost my balance.
'What did you tell him?' I asked Fudu while trying to keep from falling down the stairs. Fudu just grinned like the Tasmanian devil.
'He told me everyone in French class knows that you like the bp' replied Ibbi instead.
'Yah man this son of a bitch told everyone in class yesterday!' I said indignantly.
'Did you really do that?' Toqie asked Fudu to which Fudu nodded with the grin still on his face.
'Oh shit!' cried Toqie and turned to face me, 'I think the bp knows about your love for her and shit. She must have heard about it from someone in that class.'
'And that's why she never replied to me in the morning!!' I said excitedly.
'No she didn't reply because you're black and so she couldn't see you.' Toqie and Fudu crack up very hard at this running joke they have and Ibbi laughs so hard that his mouth is open but there's no sound.
I don't know when or how it started, but apparently the idea that I'm so black I'm invisible tickles Fudu's and Toqie's moronic funny bone. I usually just smile and let it go but today I had a sudden urge to strangle the laughter out of them. I tell them to fuck off and head to the class. Toqie headed off to sit with Ibbi while Fudu followed me. We reached class and tried to find a place to sit.
'Yo let's sit in the back' exclaimed Fudu. I nodded in agreement.
'This class is boring to death. I can't wait for first break,' I told him as we tried to make our way to the back of the class, 'What are you gonna be doing at first break?' I asked him.
'I don't know. I think I'm practicing with the band for the battle of the bands thing. What are you doing?'
'I think I might chill in the common room. Oh shit,' we stopped and saw that the whole back row was filled up. 'Let's just sit in the middle.' The whole classroom was very packed. It was filled with just rows of chairs and a portable whiteboard at the front. There weren't any tables. Fudu and I could only find one row with empty seats and when I saw who I had to sit next to my heart missed a beat.
I made my way to the empty chair and sat next to the bp. With just one look at her face I felt my heart falling and my temperature rising. She obviously ignored me and was in deep conversation with another girl as the teacher, Mr. Ockaw, came in and told us all to settle down.
'Plato said, "There will be no end to the troubles of states, or of humanity itself, till philosophers become kings in this world, or till those we now call kings and rulers really and truly become philosophers, and political power and philosophy thus come into the same hands." Let us discuss,' said Mr. Ockaw. The class gave him their mild attention.
After fifteen minutes of Plato, Fudu was concentrating on his doodling and I looked around the class to distract myself from the bp. That was hard considering her flowery smell kept drifting into my nose. After browsing the class I focused on one girl who was drawing an eye in her notebook. She was known all around the school as the token extreme feminist or an extreminist for short.
One day last year she pronounced to the class "women were not born to cut bread in the kitchen" and one guy replied "then buy sliced bread, bitch". His statement created a furore. A group of girls and some of the female staff made it their personal mission to never let him live it down. The harassment culminated in the boy's pet gerbil being killed and a note next to it that said "you're next".
He transferred to an all boys' school. To this day no one knows for sure who killed the gerbil but I was sure at the time it was the extreminist. I looked at her as she serenely drew an eye and I wasn't sure she was capable of such a thing. I was wrong.
I diverted my gaze from her to the other side of the class and I noticed Toqie talking quietly to a boy called Trechus. He was a skinny boy with an extremely large nose and an even larger mouth. I was surprised to see Toqie speaking to him especially after what Trechus did to him. According to Toqie what Trechus did to betray him was so horrible he didn't want to talk about it. I wondered what it was he did and decided it was probably something to do with bp. Fudu nudged me and I snapped from my musings. He showed me his notebook in which he had written "I like tight pussies". I smiled in spite of myself. Fudu definitely wasn't the same shy guy I met two years ago. I took the notebook from him and wrote "on toast". He chuckled and went back to doodling.
My Spidey Senses were tingling; I could feel something happening to my right so I slowly turned my head towards the bp to see what it was. She was sitting next to a girl who shared the same name as bp, I'll call her Z. I knew her because she was in my French class. I liked her as a person because she seemed friendly and genuinely sweet but she also had a small waist and huge ass. I liked that too. Ibbi had told me when bp broke up with a guy from school it was because bp said she was bisexual and likes Z. Ibbi lives in Z's compound and he said bp comes to Z's house all the time. Given that Ibbi was liable for bouts of pathological lying I couldn't know if he was telling the truth. But still these pieces of information rocketed to the top of my brain when I saw what ensued out of the corner of my eye.
It started when I noticed they were holding hands. In itself hand holding was insignificant but this wasn't platonic hand holding. Their hands were cuddling and caressing. It was the most erotic hand holding I could imagine, there was a lot of thumb pinkie spooning as the index was feeling up the middle finger. The girls would also share long silent gazes into each others eyes seemingly each girl imagining the other one nude (I imagined them imagining it at least).
This continued for more than half the class and my eyes were glued. Suddenly Z grabbed bp's thigh, rubbed it and gave it a healthy squeeze. The bp gave a quiver, put her hand on top of Z's hand and then she gave it a gentle stroke. I couldn't help but think what I was witnessing was raw lust. The sexual female energy coming from them was so intoxicating I thought I was going to pass out. Z kept her hand on bp's thigh for a bit and then let go of it and continued hand holding, I thought my eye's almost broke out of their sockets.
The class was coming to an end, bp and Z were still holding hands and I was staring. The bp turned around and fell into my stare. Her eyes were so expressive they deserved speech bubbles. I tried to convey ocular messages myself. Here is what our eyes said.
'I can't believe what I saw. I just can't believe it.' my eyes said in wonder.
'You fucking pervert,' her eyes exclaimed, 'stick your tongue back in your mouth.'
'But my crush is a bisexual! That's just wild, very wild'
'I don't want to be your fucking crush,' Her pupils screamed, 'and anyway seeing as I'm unavailable you should fuck off.'
'You think finding out you're a lesbian will deter me?' my eyes laughingly said, 'Big mistake sugar lips. I'm a bull and I just saw red.'
'What? No you're a fat ass bull and you're full of bullshit,' her eyes said storming out. Damn, I though to myself, I walked right into that one. The bell rang and the classroom emptied.
It was first break and I was in the common room, which is where students from my year chilled or did homework, that afternoon everyone was chatting. This place was unfamiliar territory for a person like me; I was the tragic black ugly duckling in a sea of more popular white ducklings. Sadly I have yet to turn into a swan but I'm crossing my fingers. The only reason I was there that day was because Toqie said he'd be there but he never showed up.
Everyone was yapping away and I was sitting staring blankly at a magazine, while in fact thinking about how delicious cheesecakes are and how it should be mandatory to have cheesecakes in every meal, when the bp walked in.
There was a white flash and the whole room fell silent; wind was blowing in her hair and in the background played 'American Woman' as she came towards me in slow motion licking her lips. Here tits bounced subtly and her hips moved to perfection.
'Dude, why do you look like that? And oh God are you drooling?,' my friend Ibbi punched me on the shoulder and I snap out of my fantasy.
'Oh it's nothing really I was just….you know' I reply while wiping my mouth.
'Whatever, jackass. You want to play table tennis today' asked Ibbi,
'Did you bring your kit?' he asks me this because Mr. Limith, our anally retentive PE teacher, said he wouldn't let us play table tennis again without a sports kit (shorts and a t-shirt).
'Uh no I forgot it,' I said.
'Shit. I just hope one day you don't forget to breathe. HA HA HA HA' he laughs at his own joke very heartily, as he usually does, but I was not amused.
'Shut up man.' I tried to think of a better comeback but I was too dazed by the bp, she was only two meters away from me. I ignored Ibbi and returned to reading the magazine with one eye on the bp. She suddenly threw a glance my way at the same time I was looking at her. I felt electricity run through me. I quickly looked away and with an uninterested look I buried my head into the magazine. This was a new tactic I was trying because two years earlier I used to stare at her like a retard even when she looked back at me. It was like a staring contest except I've never seen that much hate in another person's eyes.
'Hey cocksucker, are you finished with that magazine?' Ibbi inquired.
'No I'm not finished asshole and don't call me a cocksucker.' I reply without looking up.
'Relax bitch, you know I'm joking'
'Just cut it out,' I said looking up 'it's not normal.'
'Stop whining like an old hag.'
'What the fuck,' I'm exasperated 'stop the fucking insults.'
'Listen bitch, I'm going to the library. You coming?' Ibbi asked.
'No,' I retorted. The truth was that I hated his guts at that moment because all he did when we talked was insult me. And I didn't want the bp to think I was a pussy.
'You're pissed about the insults?' he asks with a mocking smile.
'Yah man' I reply with a sigh.
'Alright I'll cut it out. Now are you coming to the library?' I knew he was a loyal friend even if what he was saying about cutting it out wasn't sincere but I had two choices. I could either leave with Ibbi who will show me print outs of Macintosh laptops or stay here and hope against hope bp will say something. I was sure she would want to discuss the manner of her relationship with Z. I looked at her; she was speaking to her friend and then I looked at Ibbi knowing he would be alone in that library. If I abandoned him now then I would be scum and hate myself for all eternity. But then I remembered something.
'Is Joles going to be there?' I ask him.
'Yah,' he replies. Oh good then he has Joles to discuss Macintosh laptops with and I don't have to feel guilty.
'Then no I don't wanna come.'
'Fine.' Did I sense a bit of bitterness? He didn't even bid me farewell as he left. Oh well, all is fair in love and war. As Ibbi walked out of the common room I sensed something happening in the bp's direction. I could see her outstretched arm as if she was beckoning me. I looked up but she had already turned to her friend and she said something to her that I have never forgotten.
'What's that guy's name?' she asked her friend and pointed at me. My whole world came crashing down. Sirens blared, the Earth stopped spinning, a nuclear bomb dropped on my soul and crushed it. I felt the wind rush out of me, this is what a knockout by Mike Tyson must feel like. I've been in classes with her for four years, for four fucking long years and she doesn't even know my name? What kind of game is she playing? I saw bp's friend, who has been in my classes for two years, give me a look as if to say 'I don't know what's going on too', even she knew the bp knew my name. She answered the bp and then the bp turned to me and called my name in her honey dripped voice.
'Give me the magazine,' she demands. Did she just want the magazine?
'Give me the magazine, what?' I retort.
'Give me the magazine now,' she started to sound angry.
'I'm sorry I don't give magazines to sexy strangers,' I reply calmly.
'You better give it to me,' there's fire in her eyes.
'I'll give it to you hard,' I reply 'but you have to supply the condoms.' She looked livid to the point of blowing up. For a second she fiercely looked at me, then all of a sudden she jumped on my lap and we had crazy uninhibited sex right in front of everyone.
But hold on, you must be thinking, I thought she didn't even know your name so how could she have sex with you? That's right, you astute reader, I was self-gratifyingly lying. This is what really happened.
'Give me the magazine,' she told me. I looked at her hand, her exquisite hand, I felt like grabbing it and giving it a royal kiss. But that was my sentimental side. My out of whack porn-watching- gangster-admiring-misogynistic side felt like killing her, after all, she gave me an emotional low blow. With all this going through my mind I felt that the spotlight was on me. The bp and the bp's friend were looking at me and they were clearly thinking 'What is he going to do?' I looked around for help, my eyes pleading with invisible people. All around me were familiar faces that were smiling as if to mock me.
I felt in my bones that this was an important moment of time in my lifeline. I felt like Spiderman in the face of a dilemma. Do I save the bus full of children? Or do I save the redhead with the big knockers (it always ends up to be both). Of course this choice wasn't that serious (or that fictional) and I wouldn't look dignified in red tights anyway. But my Spiderman analogy aside I really felt like a fly in a spider's web.
Finally I came to a decision. Without even looking at her I painfully handed over the magazine. She took it and seemed satisfied. But even though she probably wouldn't remember this incident again in her whole life, it is branded in my brain in an overflowing cabinet labelled 'SHAME'.
With a void in my hands and an empty seat beside me, I gazed out the window and saw pearly white clouds in the clear blue sky. I stared at the sky for a few seconds then looking down I noticed a girl in red pants walking by the window. Slowly I got out of my chair and headed to the door. I looked back and saw the magazine was discarded on the floor. The bp was unperturbedly talking to her friend again.
I didn't even understand what just happened. Was it so far fetched that she didn't even know I existed? Could it be that after four years I've never registered in her mind as a person worth noting? Did this happen to me because I snubbed Ibbi? I looked one last time at the room full of social energy and felt like I was a piece of crap in the large toilet called life. I exited from the place I didn't belong and headed to the library.
Chapter 3 – A Mystery Letter
I found Joles and Ibbi nattering about a new Power Book (which is a Macintosh laptop) model. I got a copy of Lord of the Rings trilogy and sat down at their table with a heavy thud.
'Woah! Easy there King Kong. HA HA HA,' said Ibbi in a way of greeting.
'Hey. Did you see the new Power Book features?' said Joles.
'No Joles,' I reply unenthusiastically.
'Here,' he handed me a paper with the new Power Book features, 'read this.'
'I don't want to man.' I gave the paper back.
'Aww what's wrong?' Ibbi mocked 'is it that time of the month? Make sure you buy the one with the wings. HA HA HA'
'Shut up assface' I hit back but he just ignored it and giddily chuckled at his own joke.
'Did you see bp today, Joles?' I asked.
'Obsessed!' he exclaimed, 'you talk about her everyday.'
'I take a break on the weekend.' I replied.
'I don't know why you like her,' Ibbi interjected, 'She's got flabby tits. It's like they were sucked dry by a sabre-toothed tiger. HA HA HA'
'It's not just about tits you superficial bastard.' I said loudly completely forgetting I was at the library. The librarian gave me a stern glare from behind a bookshelf, 'bp is more than just a pair of tits.' I said more quietly.
'Tell it to Oprah, Romeo.' replied Ibbi.
'Obsessed!' exclaimed Joles, 'forget her. Look this Power Book has a keyboard that illuminates.'
'That's really nice, Joles.' He then went on to extensively tell me about the new features and after that he gave his opinions on how someone not using a Power Book is simply wasting his life away and might as well live in a cave. I gently pointed out he doesn't use one, to which he said:
'Can't you see? As soon as I get my first paycheque I'll buy one.'
'What about food and rent and all that shit?' I asked.
'Yah Joles you can't eat, shit and sleep in a Power Book.' said Ibbi. But Joles just looked at us like we were the most tragic thing he'd ever seen.
'I have two words for you.' Joles said as he leant forward and put two fingers up, 'G4 processor.' He then sat back and folded his hands looking very smug.
'G4 isn't a word you faggot' Ibbi said mockingly.
'What about your need for the softer sex?' I asked Joles, 'you need an orgasm processor too.'
'Obsessed!' cried Joles, 'sex isn't everything you know.'
'Nope but it's fairly something.' I hit back. 'Don't you remember what it was like when we downloaded porn on the school computers? You were obsessed and you would see it every single day. You almost got caught too.' Joles laughed when I said the last part, he enjoyed telling that story. Ibbi had found a way to download porn on school computers that were right next to the science labs. Joles couldn't get enough of it. One day he sat down at the computer, put on some headphones, increased the volume to max, and turned on the porn. But he forgot to plug in the headphones. Luckily there was a noisy class next door to him and nobody was the wiser.
'Funny day,' Joles nostalgically said.
We all quieted down and I started to read the Lord of the Rings trilogy book I had when all of a sudden Toqie burst into the library. He hurried over to where we were sitting and I could see he was troubled about something so I put down my Lord of the Rings trilogy book down and looked at him.
'I need to tell you something very important' he panted.
When I said 'Okay tell me,' Toqie's eyes flickered towards Ibbi and Joles. So taking the hint I got up as if to return the Lord of the Rings trilogy book and Toqie followed me. Did I mention I had the Lord of the Rings trilogy book (the greatest trilogy ever written)?
'What's wrong man?' I asked worriedly as I put the Lord of the Rings trilogy book back on the shelf (it doesn't deserve to be on a shelf it deserves to be on a diamond crusted pedestal).
'The bp knows' he said simply.
'Knows what?' I asked.
'You know Trechus the big nosed bastard?' he replied.
'He told me bp got a letter telling her that me and you like her' for a second I couldn't comprehend what Toqie was telling me.
'What? I mean who the fuck? What is this?' I was dumfounded I couldn't speak for a few seconds. 'Wait a minute, was it done like a ransom letter with each word cut from a newspaper?'
'You know in those movies with the….'
'Yes I know what the fuck you mean!' interrupted Toqie loudly, 'it was a fucking email you retard.'
'Keep it quiet!' warned us the librarian coming out of nowhere, 'If you want to talk the playground is outside!'
'Sorry' apologised Toqie. He waited until she was out of earshot before he continued in a whisper, 'so what do you think? Who could've done this?'
'I have no clue.' I though about it for a few seconds, 'you know maybe Trechus was lying. I mean how much can we trust him after what he did to you?'
'But still why would he lie this time?' he asked.
'When does he say she got the email?' I asked back.
'I don't know, man' I said, 'So you trust what he says?'
'I think he's telling the truth,' he said after mulling it for a few seconds. 'Who do you think sent this email?'
'Who knows we both like her?' I thought out loud. 'I think maybe we should make a list.'
'I can't right now,' said Toqie 'I gotta go.'
'What the fuck? You're gonna drop this bomb on me and bounce? Hit and run bitch? Fuck!' I couldn't believe the nerve of this guy.
'Calm the fuck down there's only two minutes left for break time. We won't have time to do shit' he gave me an incredulous look. He was right and I felt like an ass for overreacting.
'Ok man I'm calm. It's just that I had shit going on with the bp too.'
'Yah I know' he said and I looked at him quizzically.
'Who told you?' I asked wondering how he could know about the common room and the lesbian incident.
'I got a telegram from your guardian angel Spider-man.' I smiled in spite of my confusion. I had an unhealthy obsession with Spider-man.
'No motherfucker really who told you?'
'You did this morning.'
'Oh you're talking about when I tried to talk to her in form class. No man this is some other shit that's happened.' Toqie's eye's opened wide in curiosity but before he could say anything the bell rang. The ringing from the bell died out and Toqie told me he wanted to hear what happened to me with the bp. I told him we would talk about it in maths class and I said goodbye to Ibbi and Joles who had a free period. As me and Toqie were leaving the library I stopped at the door, turned to face him and raised a finger to the sky.
'I will not rest until I discover the fucking truth!' I said melodramatically. Toqie looked at me silently for a few seconds and then pointed down and said:
'Your zipper's down.' So much for my melodramatic moment.
Chapter 4 – The French Connection
Right after break I had a French lesson. I reached the opened door of the classroom and peaked in to see if the teacher was there. He was sitting at his desk scratching his unusually large moustache. He didn't see me peak in so instead of going in I hid around the corner and tried to remember if we had any homework due for that day. When I couldn't be sure anymore I tentatively went into the classroom, mumbled 'Bonjour Monsieur' and headed straight to the back. Shortly I was joined by Fudu who as usual had a grin on his mouth. He sat down next to me.
'Did you do your homework?' asked Fudu as he took books out of his backpack.
'No, what was it?' I asked as I took out a pen.
'Chapter 10 exercise 4' he started to work on it and I followed example. It took us 10 minutes to finish the homework and by then the class was in full swing. Our French teacher was giving the lesson, which was interjected occasionally by his heavy coughing fits, he was one of a handful of teachers who smoked. He was also the one who thought Fudu's name was actually Fuku.
As the teacher droned on about how Julie reserved a hotel room, I shivered slightly, yawned and tried to snug into myself. Sometimes the combination of cold and boredom gave me a huge erection, which was inconvenient. I had a momentary panic that I would be asked to the front of the class with my grand 'salute' to the Eiffel tower.
But I would've faced that humiliation to prevent what had happened the day before. Standing in front of class with a full on erection would be more bearable than the incident that happened yesterday. My friend of two years Fudu decided that it was the right time my crush on the bp had the decent public exposure he thought it deserved. And so after a brief consultation with me, which mainly consisted of me swearing at him fluently and him grinning madly, he spread the word. It was brutally fast and it felt like an invisible blood soaked butcher's knife had sliced my chest and my guts were exposed in their gory glory.
His colourful way of announcing it was on the back of his exercise book, where with green, blue and red pens he illustrated the words 'XXXX loves BP'. Only he used mine and bp's real names. I remembered sitting there dumbstruck as one by one the whole class came to our table to have a look.
Even the teacher coughed his way to the back to see what the commotion was about, 'what do you *cough* have there Fuk *cough* u?'
I remembered just sitting there looking up at everybody while uselessly trying to laugh it off as a joke. But all I could muster was a grinning whimper as the class gathered around like moths to a flame. Z (the girl who shared bp's name) came up and said 'Me?' to which Fudu replied gleefully 'No the other one'. She smiled and gave me a look of pity. Looking back at it now maybe she was thinking 'oh I'm going to have such a laugh about this with the bp'. Then one hairy girl said 'how cute!' in the most false, high pitch, insincere way possible. The class gave a half-hearted murmur of agreement and then left with their curiosity fed.
While I was remembering this I was staring at Fudu. He turned around and saw me staring.
'What?' he asked and gave me a weird look.
'I was just remembering yesterday.' I answered.
'Oh,' he said with his trademark grin that really bothered me. I waited a few seconds for him to say sorry but he didn't and just looking at his stupid grin made me suddenly very furious.
'You fucking asshole son of crack whore piece of shit cocksucker.' I spat at him. 'Won't you even say you're sorry?'
'But I did you a favour,' he said nonplussed by my string of insults and his grin firmly in place.
'What fucking favour?'
'Well bp knows now,' he pointed out, 'so really I've given you a slight advantage.'
'How is that an advantage?' I whisper as loudly as I can without the teacher hearing.
'Now you don't have to worry about telling her how you feel and you can just talk to her about more important things.'
'Important things!?! NO! Now I'm worried more than ever,' I vehemently pointed out, 'plus how I felt was the most important shit I would want to talk about with her!' He just shrugged so I swore at him and lent back until my chair was on two legs leaning against the wall behind me. I decided with his warped logic he'd never apologise.
As I balanced on the back two legs of my chair I accidentally caught Z's eye. She gave a little smile and looked the other way. I lost balance on the chair and almost fell sideways. I went back on four legs and started to analyse the smile in thorough detail. What was she thinking that made her smile? Did she smile at me out of courtesy? Was it an amused smile? Was it an embarrassed smile because she knew I saw what happened between her and the bp in the common room? Was there a hint of sexual implication there? (this thought a courtesy of my penis) Maybe she was just being polite. But then again wasn't she the one who sought out my eye in the first place? I wondered if she told the bp about me liking her. Did she know Toqie liked bp too? Did she know something about the anonymous email? My train of thought was cut short by the end of class bell. On the way out I handed in my exercise book and Z was handing in hers at the same time. I noticed she had a hickey on her neck. I had to look away and get out of the classroom fast before I started imagining hickeys on other parts of her body.
Chapter 5 – WHAT A BITCH
After French I headed to Maths class. I reached there early, sat down at the front table right next to the door and waited for Toqie to show up. The tables were big enough to seat two people. As I was fishing out my books he came in and smacked his bag onto the table. Startled I looked up and saw him rapping madly:
'Flat line! I hear the doctor standing over me screamin I can make it. Got a body full of bullet holes layin here naked,' he screamed. Several students gave him weird looks.
'What the fuck?' I said and cracked a smile.
'Killuminati bitch! Makaveli! Tupaaac! WESTSIDE FOR LIFE!' bellowed Toqie and just as he finished his urban cry, Mr. Peerv, our maths teacher, entered.
'Sit down and zip it Toqie before I hang you upside down by your testicles,' said Mr. Peerv as he stomped passed us and headed to his desk. 'Now for all you other juvenile delinquents I want you to get ready for what we in the teaching business refer to as a 'pop quiz' and what you, the student body, refer to as 'oh shit oh shit oh shit we're fucked'. So stop staring at me like drooling babies and clear your desks of everything but your pens and pencils. '
After Mr. Peerv's usual monologue accompanied entrance the class was dead silent. Usually the monologue was a benign and amusing rant about people with bad breath who speak so close to your face you can count their eyelashes or about people who sniffle endlessly even though there's a box of Kleenex with enough tissues to start a bonfire sitting right in front of them. But today's rant was a bitter and malignant one. For starters he never swore before (not even the one time he stapled his thumb to the notice board) and never in his life has he given anyone a pop quiz, even his usual tests are pretty easy going.
Of course the reason for his foul mood was known, spread through the school and already discussed earlier in the day (hard to keep secrets in high school). Last weekend Mr. Peerv had the shock of his life. Apparently what happened was that he found his wife of 15 years in bed with another man. The man in question was Mr. Peerv's pharmacist, who filled out Mr. Peerv's monthly Viagra prescription (the pharmacist clearly unsatisfied with just providing boners was provided the boning as well). The scene that welcomed Mr. Peerv was almost coma inducing because not only was Mrs. Peerv in the reverse praying mantis position (don't even try to imagine) but she was wearing her wedding dress, the one that cost Mr. Peerv two months pay, and she had a bouquet of flowers hanging in her cleavage. Not to mention Mr. Peerv had come home early with massive news (he was promoted to Head of the Maths Department) and he had a massive erection that you could hang a hat on (the blue pill having done it's job). Needless to say it was a quite a scene (probably would've been an amusing one to an uninvolved party).
So after this incident, an example of one of life's more vicious ironies, Mrs. Peerv unceremoniously left Mr. Peerv. He took it well even though he chased the naked pharmacist out the second floor window and threw a Viagra bottle at him. But the cherry on top of Mr. Peerv's hell weekend was Mrs. Peerv's parting gift, on her way out she coldly told him that he hadn't satisfied her sexually in years and that he was her biggest mistake in life. I don't know how Mr. Peerv survived such a day like that. It was actually a surprise to see him come in to work just a few days later. I guess his job was all he had left.
Mr. Peerv's pop quiz made it harder for me and Toqie to continue with our investigations. So five minutes into the quiz I scribbled on a piece of paper and passed it to Toqie. It said: 'We need to work out shit about that anonymous email?' Toqie read it quietly and wrote back saying: 'We can't with Mr. Fucked-over-by-his-wife over there' I read it and snorted a little too loudly.
'ARE YOU TWO CHEATING?' Mr. Peerv bellowed pointing an accusatory finger at us. Me and Toqie frantically tried to hide the paper to no avail. 'DON'T MOVE AN INCH!' We froze as Mr. Peerv slowly rose from his desk with his finger still firmly pointing.
He moved towards us menacingly and I could hear Toqie quietly praying under his breath. I felt the blood pounding in my head. I looked at the damning piece of paper deciding whether or not to destroy it before Mr. Peerv reached us. If he read it I was worried he might kill us, kill himself or kill the whole class in a manic fit considering his unbalanced state. And if I destroy it before he gets his hands on it the worst that could happen is detention for me and Toqie and maybe a zero on the pop quiz. For a second I weighed out the life of the whole class in comparison with me enduring detention and I came to realise that I really, really hated detention.
'Hand over that piece of paper.' He stretched out his hand.
I picked up the paper reluctantly and very slowly moved it towards his hand but luckily a coincidence that belonged in movies happened.
There was a knock on the door. It was pushed open revealing Mrs. Peerv standing at the doorway with her arms folded. Mr. Peerv had his hand stretched towards me but his eyes were staring at his 'estranged' wife, the whole class was staring at her as well. Mrs. Peerv was quite something to look at. She had the body of Jennifer Lopez but with bigger boobs and had a face like a young Nicole Kidman. She was wearing a leopard skin dress that accentuated her drool inducing curves and she had her jet black hair tied in a ponytail.
'Scott,' she called to Mr. Peerv in an emotionless voice, 'we need to talk.'
'Alright, Lucy,' Mr. Peerv replied. Completely forgetting about the piece of paper he moved towards his wife and left with her. As soon as he closed the door behind him I ripped the paper and threw it in the trash.
'Shit balls on fire that was fucking close!' Toqie exclaimed in relief.
'I know.' I breathed out heavily. Thanks to Mrs. Peerv's deus ex machina entrance I was feeling extra happy. Not only did she save my ass but she also gave me and Toqie a chance to discuss the mystery letter.
'What was on the paper anyway?' a nosy tall kid called Mo asked us.
'None of your business.' replied Toqie quickly. Mo shrugged and started talking to his friend next to him. The whole class started talking too and one girl's voice was louder than the rest.
'Well of course Mr. Peerv deserved it,' she told her friend matter-of-factly, 'he was completely ignoring her needs.' I turned around only to see it was the extreme feminist aka the extreminist.
'Ignoring whose needs?' Mo asked curiously.
'Shut up,' the extreminist said dismissively, 'I wasn't talking to you.' Mo looked a bit dejected but just shrugged and turned around.
'What a bitch.' Toqie said to me, which was hypocritical considering he just did the same thing to Mo.
'What?' the extreminist had heard Toqie.
'Nothing.' He replied.
'Did you just call me a bitch?' she demanded.
'Yeah and what if I did?' being a bit temperamental Toqie started to get angry.
'Well it proves you're a typical degenerate misogynist who can't stand to see a strong independent woman,' she said with an arrogant sneer, 'and just because you can't get the girl you want that doesn't give you the right to act like an asshole to everyone.'
'What girl? What the fuck are you talking about? I'm not acting anything it's you who's the one acting like a bitch and it's definitely an Oscar winning performance.' He spat this out with real venom and very loudly so that the whole class now had their attention on the argument. For a moment the extreminist stared at Toqie and the fire danced in her eyes.
'You know you're the exact reason why men should be eradicated from Earth.' She looked around and noticed people were listening in so she started to address the class, 'this women hater Toqie is the ultimate example of the hypocrisy that is men. He will spend his whole life thinking of women as inferior as he constantly refers to them as ho's and bitches but yet at the same time he will spend many nights holding his dick begging the sky for one girl, just one girl that would be merciful enough to be with his pathetic ass. I know what men like you are, they are pitiable creatures that fantasize about having a vulnerable girl in their power. Sadistic perverts that look for any let out for the pent up rapist that's in you all. Well you will never get what you want because this isn't the 19th century and there are no damsels in distress to be abused. Times have changed but men will forever be holding their dicks in their hands.' She finished her speech with an emphatic finger point wagging.
Toqie was overwhelmed to say the least. Looking at his face I could tell he felt the same way I did which was anger and slight ashamedness. I didn't know if she knew it but the extreminist had hit very close to the bone. Although I definitely don't agree I have a pent up rapist inside me I have on occasion looked to the sky. I wouldn't call it begging myself but I have put in a few requests for a heavenly sent nymphomaniac. It seems silly now that I look back on it. What with all the real suffering going on in the world I don't think my prayers were on the top of the pile. I suspect they're in the trash with all the other stupid requests, like men who ask for bigger penises. What did these guys expect? That their dicks would have sudden growth sprouts? I could imagine these men boasting to their friends: 'You wouldn't believe it Mike but my shaft had a three inch summer. Yep, now I can jack off using both hands!'
After a silence of a few seconds, in which the extreminist seemed to decide Toqie wasn't worth her time anymore and was chatting to her friend as if nothing ever happened, Toqie turned to me with a pale face and said, 'like I told you. What a bitch.'
I wanted to continue going through with our investigation but Toqie was too moody to talk so we just sat there until the end of class. Mr. Peerv never showed up so when the bell rang we packed up and left.
CHAPTER 6 – The List of Suspects
'First thing we need is a list of suspects' I said this and took out a paper and pen. It was second break and I was in the library with Toqie.
'Yah sure' Toqie seemed distracted and it seemed obvious he was probably still thinking about the extreminist.
It would come as a shock to you but in their pre-puberty days Toqie and the extreminist were friends. I found this out from Toqie's childhood friend Dusty and according to him the extreminist liked Toqie's so much she used to buy him presents and candy all the time. It was all innocently platonic but nevertheless the two of them had a very strong connection. But one day it just all stopped and Dusty said he didn't know why but that Toqie was really depressed for a long time.
Toqie had no clue I knew his past with the extreminist but I realized her verbal attack must of hurt more than he was telling me so I said, 'Listen man you need to snap out of it and forget that bitch. She's really whacko,' which I thought she was, 'and all that shit she said was totally crazy.' which it wasn't.
'No man its true,' he sighed, 'How the fuck did she get into my mind like that? Am I that transparent?' he was asking me these questions but I didn't know what to reply. 'I am aren't I?'
'She was talking in generalizations,' I pointed out.
'Pretty specific generalizations,' he said this bitterly. I didn't realize the extreminist had hit a nerve that hard. I guess after whatever had happened with Toqie all those years ago she had decided to unleash her pent up anger.
'Just forget about it,' I was trying to comfort him but I was eager to work on the mysterious email bp received. I knew I had to be cautious in my attempt to coax him back to the investigation so I said, 'oh she was really a bitch but very much a bitch unlike bp.'
'No, no the bp is something else completely,' he concurred, 'that other bitch isn't worth the ground bp walks on. Even if the sky split and the world was destroyed to shit life would never produce another one like bp. Her sweet voice can raise the fucking dead from their graves. Fuck me its insane how much I need her, how much I think about her. I can't fucking remember the last time I jacked off over someone else. Sometimes I don't know whether to kill myself or rape her.'
'Wow,' I was stunned at this candid and slightly disturbing display of devotion, 'I don't know what to say.' I realised at that moment that my infatuation with the bp was child play compared to his.
'Fuck it lets just finish this "investigation".' He leaned forward his arms on the table with a pen in his fingers and purposefully looked at the piece of paper.
'Ok,' I wrote on top of the piece of paper "List of Suspects" and under it I wrote "".
'What the fuck?' he looked at his name and half smiled.
'No, no it's just that well umm let me explain,' I then told him about a history class I took years ago, 'I had a history teacher once who was really great fun and who always talked about the Kennedy family, which was odd because she was Scottish. But besides going on and on about the Kennedy family she didn't teach us much. The only thing I remember from that class is that in history there are primary sources and secondary sources'
'Yeah so the fuck what.' he looked slightly amused.
'So the fuck is that most of history is secondary sources and you have to be wary of secondary sources.' I warmed up to my point which you the reader probably figured out, 'And you Toqie are definitely a secondary source.'
I looked at him inquiringly. If he had made up everything about the email I wanted to give him a chance to confess. We just stared at each other and it was a bit like DeNiro and Pacino in the movie Heat, which we both loved.
'I respect you,' I said to Toqie and he raised his pen in salute to that comment, 'but I tell you, brother, make no mistake, if you cross my path, you are going down.'
'You do what you do, and I do what I gotta do,' Toqie said smiling, 'I don't care if you have my name in your "List of Suspects".'
'So once and for all you are not lying about the email?'
'I tell the truth even when I lie,' proclaimed Toqie.
I could see he wasn't perturbed by my accusation. I didn't know whether to feel like an idiot for accusing him or to be cautious with his light hearted reaction.
'Okay,' I said with a smile and threw him a suspicious look. 'So you're my secondary source. But wait, you are actually more like my tertiary source because Trechus is your secondary source.'
'I'm sure he isn't lying,' Toqie said confidently.
'How come you're so sure?'
'Right after he told me I noticed bp's attitude towards me changed.'
'What attitude? She had no attitude towards you,' I said laughing, 'If there was any attitude at all it was an indifferent attitude.'
'No you fuckhead she had a fascinated attitude towards me,' Toqie smugly pointed out.
'What the fuck would she be fascinated in? There's nothing to be fascinated about. The only thing fascinating is that you weigh less than an anorexic ant.' I didn't like talking about other peoples physical shortcomings but Toqie's smugness bothered me. I also knew for a fact that the bp once asked him his weight and he had rudely refused to answer.
'Yeah and she did fucking ask about my weight. And that is more than you can ever claim you fat bastard.' Toqie wasn't smug anymore, he was a bit irritated.
'Alright man calm down. Anyway what I'm saying is that Trechus could be lying and you of all people shouldn't trust him.'
'I only trust myself.'
'Okay so Trechus is number 2.' I wrote down "2. Trechus". 'So besides Trechus who knows about you and bp?'
'Umm Fudu and Ibbi know. But it's obviously not them.' Toqie said.
'No no no. We suspect everyone and then eliminate them one by one.'
'So three of your best friends are suspects? What did you watch last night, The Usual Suspects? And if everyone is a fucking suspect then you definitely should be one.'
'I'm the investigator. I can't be a suspect.' I said indignantly.
'You shove that in your asshole and fuck it. We are the "investigators" and I say you're a suspect.' He took the paper from me and wrote me down as suspect number 3.
I took the paper back, looked at it and sighed. 'I don't know how an investigator can investigate himself but fine.' I then added the names of Fudu and Ibbi to the list.
'And don't forget Joles'
'Why the hell would Joles do it?'
'I don't trust that guy,' Toqie said sinisterly, 'There's something off about him and his fucking laptop obsession.'
'Does he even know you like bp?' I asked.
'Of course that little shit knows,' Toqie cried out, 'and his life is so fucking pointless this is exactly the kind of shit he would do.'
'He wouldn't, man,' I said defensively, 'because the email mentions you and me and he wouldn't fuck me over like that.'
'You're too damn gullible,' he said dismissively.
'Oh yah I'm taken in by Joles' master plan to befriend me just so that a year later he can expose my feelings to my crush.'
'You never fucking know.'
'Shit, man. I don't trust that little weasel he comes into our school barely a year ago and he knows too much already. We should fucking confront him when we get the chance,' Toqie said in a determined fashion.
'You can fucking confront him but I'd rather worry about other suspects.' I spat out. 'Okay now we need to add some more.'
'I know it's him,' he persisted.
'It's not what you know it's what you can prove' I said as I rolled my eyes. 'So forgetting Joles for now who else is there?'
'I think that's about it.'
'Hmm, so it's me, you, joles, fudu, ibbi and trechus,' I read off the list, 'wow do you notice something about this list.'
'It's full of idiots with me as the exception?' Toqie deadpans.
'I'm an exception too' I pointed out with mock indignation.
'You put yourself on your own list of suspects! You're the biggest idiot of them all!'
'What the fuck?' I burst with real indignation. 'I didn't want to put my fucking name on the list anyway'
'Well you did. Any fucking way what's so special about the list?'
'It's all guys man and there should at least be one girl suspect' I said and upon hearing it Toqie burst out laughing.
'What the hell kind of girl would care enough about us liking the bp to send her an anonymous email?' he said through his laughter, 'And which girl knows about us anyway?'
'I'll tell you what. Today I think I found out bp's lover and she could be a suspect.' I drop this on him abruptly.
'What the fuck is that supposed to mean?' He asks wide eyed. So I tell him the whole story of the lesbian incident between the bp and Z. I go into incredible detail.
'Wow,' he exclaims, 'that is without doubt the biggest load of bullshit I've heard in my life. It's like bullshit supreme. Wow, I'm impressed.'
'I swear I'm not bullshitting.' I said intently.
'Swear to God.'
'I swear to God.' I said and raised my right hand. Out of the blue a guy we knew as The Todd smacked my right hand really hard and then he said 'Swear-to-God five' snapped his fingers and left the library. Toqie and I looked after him with a gob smacked expression on our faces then we shook our heads and continued talking.
'Fine, even if I say I believed you what's the fucking point? She can't be a suspect because she doesn't know about us and the bp.' He reasoned out.
'Ah but she does,' I said, 'remember Fudu told everyone in my French class about me and the bp. Well guess which bootylicious babe was in that class.'
'Hmm,' Toqie ponders for a minute, 'so maybe she knows about you but what the fuck does she know about me?'
'I don't know maybe she heard it from someone or the other.' I said, 'And maybe she's trying to stop the bp from liking any guys, so she makes this anonymous email to stop her from liking us.'
'Hmm, I don't fucking think she'd think of us as much of a threat.'
'Well I'm putting her down anyway.' I wrote 7. Z and as I finished writing it I saw from the corner of my eye Joles approaching us in a fast and determined manner. He got to our table and sat down.
'Hey guys what are you doing?' Joles said as he pointedly looked at the list. Toqie followed Joles' eyes and then he looked at me with a very irritated expression.
'Umm, nothing,' I said as I folded my arms over the paper, I couldn't let him see the list that had his name on it, 'What are you doing?'
'I'm asking you what you're doing.' He said giving the list another glance.
'Umm, we were talking about laptops, weren't we?' I looked at Toqie so he would confirm. He just looked at me with an expressionless face, 'Yeah we were,' I replied for him.
'Laptops are cool,' Joles said and I waited for him to continue but that was all Joles had to say about laptops. I couldn't fucking believe it.
'Oh yeah they're cool,' I said awkwardly, 'Right Toqie? He still had an impassive face and I thought to myself Oh God I hope he isn't thinking about confronting Joles.
'What's wrong?' Joles asked Toqie.
'I'll tell you what's wrong you fag,' Toqie said through his teeth.
'Oh God,' I exclaimed, 'listen Toqie…'
'No, no this has got to be done,' Toqie said as he waved me away.
'Is this about the Powerbook?' Joles innocently asked.
'No you fuckstick this isn't about the Powerbook,' Toqie said as loud as he could in a library, 'Bp got an email telling her that me and him' he pointed at me 'have a crush on her.'
'You don't need to point he knows I'm him' I mumbled.
'And Joles,' Toqie continued ignoring me completely, 'I just fucking know of all fucking fucks that could fucking dream this shitfucked of a fucking scheme you're the fuckall prime motherfucking suspect.' Toqie paused for effect and then said, 'Fuck!'
Saving my marvel at Toqie's colourful language I looked at Joles to see his reaction to the accusation. I was perplexed to see him baffled yet amused with a slight smile on his lips, which was in contrast to Toqies rictus. First Toqie is amused by my accusation and now Joles is amused at Toqies accusation. Doesn't anyone anymore sweat profusely and pull at their collar when facing accusations? I asked myself if I should defend Joles or side with Toqie, I wanted the truth and I was very slightly suspicious of Joles. After all, he was on the list.
'What are you speaking about Toqie?' Joles asked.
'Don't fuck with me man I know your type.' Toqie answered.
'Seriously Toqie I don't know what you're talking about,' an increasingly baffled Joles exclaimed.
'Look, Joles, just admit what happened and we'll just forget it,' Toqie pushed on.
Joles sighed and then said, 'I can't admit to something I didn't do, and anyway I was at my uncle's house last night.'
We were all quiet after that because the librarian was suddenly next to our table stacking books on a shelf. Toqie with his arms folded looked really pissed off and Joles took out a piece of paper with Powerbook pictures to look at. I took off my left shoe and pretended I was looking for a pebble inside it but I couldn't keep at it for long cause my shoe smelled like decomposing skunk. After putting my shoe back on I felt slightly uneasy about something Joles said. I couldn't put my finger on it but something wasn't right.
CHAPTER 7 – Trechus
The break had finished, and with it so did my session with Toqie in the library. I was annoyed that we hadn't really done anything substantial (unless pissing off a librarian could count). Toqie was annoyed too; he had wanted a more intense interrogation with Joles, since he thought Joles couldn't be trusted. He told me as much as we headed out of the library, but did it more succinctly.
'Fucking liar,' he fumed. 'That motherfucking liar!'
We stood by the stairwell as I was tying my shoelaces and I looked up at Toqie, 'He could be telling the truth you know.'
'Yeah sure and the librarian is a closeted lesbian,' he made a face.
'Hmm. That would explain the haircut and the peach fuzz.'
'What's a fucking peach fuzz.'
'Means a light moustache,' I finished tying my shoelaces and stood up. 'Look, we have to finish investigating the other suspects,' I felt a bit like a detective saying that, so I added, 'but we won't ignore Joles because we must suspect each one on the list equally.'
Toqie smiled impishly, 'I wouldn't mind "investigating" the bp.'
'Z has already "investigated" her,' Toqie and I grin foolishly, and then we look at each other.
'Man, we're so fucking pathetic,' he shakes his head.
'I know,' I shake my head too. 'I can't believe we haven't "investigated" already, I mean look at our old age!' We were 17.
'You're telling me,' he shook his head again. 'Did you know Angelina Jolie "investigated" when she was 14?' he kept shaking his head. 'She lost her fucking virginity at 14!'
'What, did she "investigate" with another girl?'
'Of course not, then she wouldn't have lost her virginity,' he pointed out.
'Why not?' I had an inkling as to why not but asked anyway. But Toqie never got to explain because at that moment Trechus was walking down the stairs; he stopped midway and looked down his long nose at Toqie.
'What's up Pinnochio?' Toqie had moved his legs apart slightly and clenched his fists but his tone of voice, which didn't betray his body language, was light and almost conversational. In reply Trechus just grunted and continued his way down the stairs; he stopped in front of Toqie.
'Hey Toqie, shouldn't you be practicing your origami?' he sneered in his high pitched nasal voice.
Toqie grinded his teeth and then released them into a humourless smile. 'Yeah I should but I'm too tired from fucking your mother.'
Trechus raised an eyebrow. 'My mother? Why would she fuck you, when even a whore like the bp won't look your way twice?'
'You fucking asshole!' Toqie moved forward, ready to strike.