Stupid Valentine's Day.

People who have people can just... go suck it, or something. Go gloat because they're oh so much better than the rest of us. Be all stupid and smug and... stupid.

Spend far too much money on things no one really cares about, and flowers die, anyway, and cards just get tossed out with the trash. Chocolates will just make you fat, and then you'll get dumped, and then you'll hate it, too.

And I'll just happily glare at all the stupid couples. Holding hands (don't they get sweaty?), sighing (what if they have bad breath?), holding each other (I'm sure their muscles cramp), staring into one another's eyes (...well, actually, that seems kind of romantic). Making everyone else feel awful about themselves. I bet more people commit suicide on Valentine's than any other day of the year.

Why are you looking at me like that? Yeah, you in the corner with way too many coffee cups. Don't you know what caffeine does to you?

No, I have no idea. But I'm sure it's not good.

What do you mean there's caffeine in tea? Well... shut up. Why are you– do I have something on my face, or what?

As it so happens, I'm meeting my boyfriend here in ten minutes.

...

He's just running a little late.

...

Aren't you leaving soon?

No, I didn't make him up. I'm not some sort of crazed pathological liar, you... demented stalker.

Thanks, I'd love another scone– hold on! You– you probably put date rape drugs in it, or something!

Because people aren't just nice because– because they're alone on Valentine's. Well, okay then. But just for a couple minutes.

...

Yeah, I guess I have time for a movie.

Maybe a slasher, nothing sappy or anything. Because that's what's appropriate for Valentine's. Like... like Christmas. Or July 4th.

I'm not cynical. I'm an optimist. Why?

...

Unrealistic, and he should've taken his shirt off more. What'd you think?

No kidding. Not many guys would admit that. Gah.

Oh, just another sickeningly-happy looking couple. So sick of them.

...Um, yeah. He said he got... sick.

This isn't a date! It's nothing like a date! You... you just won't leave me alone. Don't smoke, you freak. It'll make your tongue taste like ashes.

...For your own good. I obviously don't care how your tongue tastes.

I have a boyfriend!

Um. Right. Okay, I guess some hot chocolate couldn't hurt.

...

What the fudge are you doing?

Cursing's bad. For... the soul. Don't avoid the question.

Oh. Is there any more on my face?

... Oh. Oh. I– I have–

... Oh.

...

... Hm? Oh, we broke up. Just now.

Shut up, you ass.

Because I love Valentine's, and everyone knows this is the proper way to spend it.

What did I just say?

Oh, I'd love some coffee.

Fuck the environment. Oh, crud. I meant fudge. Or frick. Or– oh.

Yeah, I can shut up...

...

...

Author's Note: Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! Remember, reviews=love.
And, I return them.