Hi, my name is James Richards, and if your reading this than I didn't win.( bye the way I lost heh, you did too.) This is a book I suppose you could call it, I don't know why I stated to write it, well actually I guess I do, it was , is for her, Kate. She is the most beautiful gilr I have ever see. I guess this is where I describe her, but I can't, not to do her justice. She looks so frail, but she's stronger than me, having endured the thing's she has. lying here in this bed, she's all I can think about. I wanted to be with her, but things got in the way, you'll hear more about that later. anyways I guess since your reading this I should describe myself huh? well alright: My name is James Richards, I am currently 18, I was born July 18, 1988. I am 6'1 when I stand straight, I have dark brown hair and green eye's, people say it's a butiful dark green, I dunno, they're just green. I was the quit kid, and had good reason to when I was little. Now, or at least a year ago, I was the kind of guy people look up to. I had problems, but I could shrug them off, if people didn't like me, they didn't have to talk to me. If someone didn't like the way I dressed, well, I really didn't care. I was a friend of all social statuses, though I don't know how. I guess I just draw people in....

Anyways, let's se what else? I love to laugh, and make other people laugh. I hate it when people are sad, and thus, I can make almost anything seem good, "the silver ligning" I suppose. I love being wierd, doing things people call random: like hugging people, or dance down the hallways of the school, when there iss no music. So yeah, the majority of this "story" will sound like I'm complaning about my life and look at me, I was so hard done by, but it's not, because for you to have an incling to why I am what I am you have to walk, well at least read a mile in my shoes. so I won't go into alot of detail about somethings, cause it would just drag on and on and on and on, and well I hate that in books lol. yeah that's right I put lol.

So I was born. that's the beginning, my mom was too young to have had me (and it doesn't seem like she's grown up since) so I went and lived with her mom. I called her nan, and mom, and grandma, so if I refer to my mother, I will refer to her in some deogitory remark. by the way: I have no respect for my mother. So living with susan (Nan) was shitty for the first but, hell from what I can remember. I was like five, and I had a huge anger problem, I still do but I cantrol it. but yeah it was bad, like, I threw desks and tables out of windows, once I even broke my principals nose. (most people would be cheering right now) but yeah I was one hell of a kid, and thus, I went into foster care. 5 of them to be exact. the first one I went to I was about 5 I belive maybe 6, I dunno. Anyways, I was there for a year and it was Susan that put me there, so her rants about how she's sorry and she wants me back and how she was fighting for me, all bullshit. so after a year of living in the foster home I decided to redecorate, the new style was: I got mad. things got broke and such, no animals other than cows got dead (they did however get all multicolored.) And thus I was put somewhere else, susan doing her bullshit as previously stated, and again a year passes and another vandal struck again. this time more dickish, I decided to feed the chicks (baby chickens.....) rice, and well lots of it, I was there for the after math, but it couldn't have been very nice. I'm sorry.

So life went on, and I progressivly got worse and better. School was bad, I started beating on kids, and got suspended, more and more often, got expelled from like six schools. got so bad that not even the Cathlic school wanted me. but eventually I made it through and fell in puppy love with a girl, still find her attractive today, but by no means do I love her. Grade 6 I was elected Validictorian, (hope I spelled it right) so I did my speech, made people cry and such, it was nice. And so I started to settle down. That summer of grade six, I went to see my bitch (sorry the mother) which had oddly become the summer thing, she lived accross the province from me, like a 7 hour drive, I never slept, I loved watching everyything pass by, the people that drove interested me though. Under other circumstances I would have liked going to my mothers, if she wasn'tt such a bitch. Oh, I'm sorry I probably should censor this, but I think swearing every once in a while, gets the point accross. so yeah, at that time I had a one year old brother, or so, might have been 2, no idea, but I hated gowing there because she hit me, and I was too young to know to tell someone, and she knew that. The only good thing about spending time there was grandpa, I loved him, and still do, he was awesome, so funny, so abitious, him and his son, my uncle ed, they just cracked me up. I loved going there because I think they knew what was going on, but they didn't say anything in fear of being wrong, instead they made up by spending alot of time with me, I got alot of things I know from them.

life whent on to middle school. (which I am now aware doesn't happen everywhere, which to me, is really wierd) but I loved it, even the big shot from school soon found out there was a bigger world out there. Me? well hell I stayed my same way, got beat up alot more, but that's what makes life interesting. fell in and out of love, got called wierd for being different. but thats who I am. um, no here is where my attitude got me in trouble, I got suspended twice in grade 7. but for grade 8 I should not have passed. like seriously, I was in grade 8 for a total of the enire year of 3 months, we got a new principal and I hated her. ( no I did not punch a chick I just threw a table at her) and missed. but yeah, she hated me adter that. I got suspended for not looking happy one day, I didn't really care because I lived a block away, it was just a pian. Not to mention when Susan got home and found out...

So HIgh School. I went to the one in the city, it was cool, cause I knew most people there, and I knew the older guys anmd chicks too. so grade 9 they placed me in some "special" class room. it was dumb, but I went with it, all the people in there seemed to have troubles with school owrk, though to me , I didn't, other than hands on stuff. A friend of mine aven after I left kept making fun of me for screwing up a cake. I was alright for about a year, and then I fell in love again. with a girl who shall remain namless, due to anyone knowing me, should know her. We met in drama, and I loved drama, more because she was there, I used to love acting, being someone else made me happy, as you can only asume why huh? it was cool other than she lived in the city and I lived in a little hick town, like the ones where almost everyone is related. things where cool for a while and then just got worse. She (i suppose) was seeing if she could love someone, and at my expense, she learned she could, but it wasn't me, on a trip somewhere she macked out with her x and decided to drop me. I was heart broken and remained so for almost three years. I slipped into a deep depression, I started writing alot of poems, most dark, there where some nice one's in there, but not many. I wanted to die, well I mean " I became to have suicidal tedancies due to a malfultion of chemicals in my brain." heh, bs. Then, Nan got fired, then we had to move in with my mom! Life just seemed to get better and better (that was supposed to be really sarcastic)

so we're almost caught up to speed, just another couple years. So I started living with my mother, it was hell, noone could see the abuse go on, but I guess that's because they wern't looking at it. my brothers and I always faught, and I could see bad things on the horizon, but i greatly underestimated how bad they where going to be. So I found this dinky little whighschool ot go to, it was really weird to me, I was the city kid in a farming country, everyone wore jeans and t shirts -shirts, and just had the feel of a country. I so did not fit in, tore jeans and shirts, with my quite attitude, because here my andger if where to fly off, I would get hurt worse then in the city. Still in a depression, I didn't talk to many people, I guess I had friends but I stayed away from people because I didn't want to get hurt again. I started cutting myself when I went to the washroom, now, I don't know why, I guess it just made me feel better, but it was a bad thing, I never really grew out of it like most shrinks say the kid will do. I gut hurt and I didn't see any real end in sight. a year when't bye, and I started to be able to see people as people again, and the splendor of them as well, there was this girl I saw, her name was Kate, but I saw her and I fell in love, but because o what happened before I chose to say nothing. I can just admire her from afar, don't stare, don't not look, ugh, I liked her so much. and now we are up to speed except for one thing, I went to see my doc for my yearly physical, as all men shou. (even if your afraid you should do it!!!) and well this might deter them from going to do it, but I got a call from him asking me to go to see him asap. so I went there and he showed me in as soon as I got there and made me sit down.

" I have good news, bad news, and worse news. what do you want first?

Oh, sorry by this point I had already been taking to Kate, it was great the whole, talking to her thing I loved it, on the comp, if I was lucky on the phone, but because I had fallen again, I felt shy when I went and tried talking to her in person, heh, it's rather funny though, because every time I did, I always said something stupid, it was quite comical. anyway back to the doc.

I said I wanted to hear the bad news first. so he sad, "alright, well the bad news is you have a lot of hospital stay coming up, the good news is you get to see me A LOT more."

"joy, and what's the bad news?

"you have lung cancer and it seems like you have less than a year to live."

alright I am not explaining what I went through that day or the following weekend. I wanted to tell kate, but I couldn't do it. I know it would hurt her, she had gone through more shit with relationships than I have. but after a while I started get chest pains all the time when I walked around town with her, so I blamed it on my bowed leggs, they really did hurt all the time, I just used them as an explanation. I can't remember how I broke it to her I'm pretty sure I did it through a letter, and I know she cried, even now she says she wasn't IN love with me, but she does love me.

So after I told her I asked her out, and I know it was stupid. doc told me I had three months to live, but I didn't care I was in love and I wanted to be with her for as long as possible. I didn't get an answer, really I didn't expect one, things were great the way they where. we talked, we loved, we simply were.

One night after she was done work I caught her flat-footed, and we talked, it was a beautiful summer night, the stars were out and I could see into her heart, I always could but that night was different, I saw that she was scared of something, after I found out it was that she was afraid of loving me because of what was going on. I held her close to me, "it's alright, I promise, I'm not going anywhere."

" How can you say that?" she asked me. "how can you promise something you have no control over?"

I just laughed. the piece of princess bride flew through my mind. " Love can't be stopped, not even by loss, it can only be delayed. I can promise because I know, I know what my limitations are, I know what I can do and what I can't, I can beat this, I have incentive, I have the will, and I have everything at my fingertips so I can do it."

" How can you be so strong?"

" I don't know, heh, I just, can be. I mean, if I choose not to loose, then I won't."

"You're so strong..." she pulls me tighter to her.

I'm not strong I'm lucky. I have to live for my friends, for my family, but above all you.

That was the last time I got to see her, you know, even now, I love her, I thought that my love for her could save me from anything. I guess I was wrong.

I went in for the opperation, knowing what was going to happen in there, looking death in the face, and laughing, it seems he doesn't like that. all I remember was going under hearing voices, and a bright light, and a voice, I can't describe it, it only, was everywhere and nowhere. so her I am, waiting for her, I take no judgement, towards her for what she does with her life, as long as she knows that I'm here, and that I love her. There were so many things I wish I could have said, it's too late though now, until she gets here, I have to wait. I won't watch her, I won't watch anyone, the mourning to be with her would be to much, there's no suffering here, but the fact still remains, that my heart remained with her, and so it shall always. but so you see, there was alot of suffering, alot of shit, oh sorry crap that went on, that shouldn't have, but such was life, and such was my path, I chose not to fight what happened between us, I thought my love would speak on it's own, only time will tell....