The Mormon Keg Party also known as 'The Mormon, The Man, and The Jew'

Twas the night of the Bash,

and all through the school

there were talks of bonfires

Because people are 'cool'.

The Mormon just stood there,

lost and confused:

she didn't know what

a good Mormon should do.

They talked of such rude things

no Mormon should hear

and she said

"I can't drink soda, forget about beer!"

"There's- stuff- going on

all over the place:

I can't party at all

or show my face!"

"I know!" she cried

as she ran down the hall

"I'll throw my own party,

The best of them all!"

Emma hurried down the hall, searching out friends as she went and indiscriminately grabbing people in her joy and dragging them along until they managed to wrench themselves free: she let them go; those weren't the droids she was looking for. Actually, she was not looking for droids at all, rather she was looking for people but Emily did a really good robot voice when she tried.

Soon she found her little bubble of happiness and burst into the middle, yelling and flailing, as Mormons are wont to do: Steve, her stomach fat, jiggled in shared glee. No one was disturbed by this action; they were all used to is. Emma didn't find it necessary to medicate on Fridays or weekends…or random other days throughout the week.

"Oh Emily, Kaija, Carolyn,

Alec, Christina, and Evie!

Elaina, Elena, Katherine, Kaitlin

Feigel, Steph, and Danny!"

The Mormon was happy

she knew what to do,

with all her friends 'round her:

including the Jew.

The Jew was named Evie,

Yvonne of the Trobes,

who had a nice face

(excluding the nose).

"Guys, I am brilliant;

so smart like a teacher.

Forget intelligence

I'm the smartest of creatures."

They patiently waited

For her to make sense:

This occurred every day,

They'd get in their two cents.

"Let's have our own party,

with just us invited.

The best of the best,

by friendship united!"

Now the Man of the group,

Alec by name,

Stepped up to the plate

With no sense of shame.

"Frankly my dear,

we don't give a damn

but Bash is as fun

as a meal of SPAM.

"I say we do it-

what's there to lose?

some dignity, a shirt,

or maybe a shoe?"

The group simply shrugged:

he'd made a good point.

With nothing to lose

they blew that joint.

They all ended up in Emma's backyard, huddled around a small fire and clutching at thin sticks with the vain and fading hope that S'mores would warm them enough for conversation beyond that of chattering teeth: Alec regretted speaking up at all in the hallway and wished he was not the Man of the group- Emily could have the role back any time she wished: it was obvious that she wore the pants in their group anyway. Emily sat, cold and dejected, close to the fire and staring into it like it would give her inspiration of some kind, an idea that would save this sucky party. Suddenly she jumped up.

A flame of idea

Burned bright in her eyes:

Everyone started

When she gave out a cry.

"Eureka!" She screeched,

Then patted her head.

This one would be awesome-

If they didn't end up dead.

"A tale was told me,

a legend of old,

about Mormon root beer,

in a keg made of gold."

"I say we go questing,

let's party it up!

Everyone on their feet!

Come on, hup hup!"

"On a scale of 'one'

to 'everyone dying'

let's aim for a seven!

(like that's even trying!)"

The group all agreed

with Emily's plan

because it made sense

despite her attention span.

Alec just smiled

and gave Em a glance.

"Does this mean, oh leader,

you'll want back your pants?"

She gave a laugh and

broke into a run

"You can keep them," she said.

"No pants is more fun!"

All began the trek

With unweary minds

Not aware of the danger,

The horrors they'd find:

The root beer was guarded

By terrible beasts

But that wasn't the problem

Not in the least.

A door stood before them

Tall and immense:

it asked trivia questions

(root beers greatest defense).

The questions were hard,

and really quite varied;

they were daunting, confusing

…and totally scary.

The group paused before the tall doors and looked at one another, completely lost: the first forty-eight questions had been easy but now it was asking and essay question. They needed to answer this before moving forward and all the smart people had already been used: it all rested on Emily, the Mormon, and Steph. Steph took one look at the question on the doors and shrugged, walking away.

"Well, I'm out,"

She said, looking depressed.

"I haven't known anything,

I won't know the rest."

The Mormon looked confident

She puffed up her chest.

"I took AP Lit-

let me handle this!"

"It's all about Hamlet,

of this I'm sure,

I'll answer this question;

It's not a chore."

"But I have one confession,

A fact I will admit-


Just SparkNote'd it."

Emily sighed and

took a step up:

when asked if ready

She popped the 'p' in 'yup!'

"It's just like the Tempest

And Doctor Who,

They all have characters

Who start life anew."

Emily answered the question with aplomb and they all waited for the door to register her answer and let them through: there was no reason it should not because her answer was decent and it included Shakespeare and Doctor Who in the same breath. Any answer with those two things was definitely worth a pass in the minds of the gang. The door clanged, deep and brassy and they all held their breaths, waiting for something- anything to happen.

The door opened up,

They all have a cheer

The air smelled of root beer-

Their goal must be near!

They all rushed forward

Prepared for an end

To guzzle some root beer

And party with friends

They slayed giant monsters

and made it through Hell

they got their root beer

it all turned out well.

The Mormon, the Man, the Jew

And the gang all sang and danced and sipped

Everyone was peachy keen

No one ended up in the crypt.

The Mormon, the Man, and the Jew all watched their friends frolic around the magic golden keg and occasionally took swigs from the magic Mormon mugs that constantly refilled themselves. It was way better than Senior Bash could ever have hoped to be, the not-so-hypothetical keg at the end of the rainbow, and it was surrounded by awesome things like unicorns and leprechauns: there were fairies and elves who danced and played harps and did general magic things, dolphins that could sing, and talking animals. Everyone was happy and they decided to hand out until their parents started calling them to come home…

Twas the night of the Bash,

and all through the school

there were talks of bonfires

Because people are 'cool'.

But it just so happened

in a faraway land

fourteen friends

were having a time so grand.

So here ends the tale

Of friendship so true:

The root beer, the Mormon,

the Man, and the Jew.