Wedding Bells

Frac walked into the Off Topic like she owned the place. The fact that she did was a minor detail. She flipped the conveniently placed "Make OT Clean Now" switch and went about the morning's mod duties. She yelled at some newbs, made a ruling or two in the Problems/Questions courtroom, reorganized the directory to make it more user-friendly… a very productive morning if she did say so herself. And she did say so.

She settled in the impeccable OT. Sure some lesser peons had dropped by and she indulged them in some frivolous chitchat, but mostly Frac was focused on reading her book. She was only 44 pages into it but she was already starting to like the pedophile. Don't judge her! He was a good man! Twisted, but a good man, dammit!

Alas, there came the point where the senseless chatter became distracting. Frac looked up from her awesomesauce book and noted that both Beatles and Zion were present. She put a bookmark in her place and asked to no one in particular, "Yeah, so when is the marriage happening?"

The others jabbered on as if she hadn't spoken. The bride and groom squeed about Simon and Garfunkel and the maid of honor pretended to be cool by spouting nonsense about vinyl records. Four whole minutes she waited and still no one answered her. And they dare call her impatient.

"Fine, no response. Then it happens now."

There was something special about the OT. As soon as Frac said those words, the Off-Topic began to change. It ignored the cries of "No! Not yet!" and prepared for a wedding as Frac commanded. White fold-up chairs appeared in neat rows. A rich ivory rug unfurled, creating an aisle to the ornate altar. Even Frac herself was being transformed. As she walked to her place, a long robe appeared overtop her clothes. Her dark hair pinned itself up with a gold clip, engraved "RG." When she took her place behind the altar, she stood before them as Moddess.

"Dearly beloved," the Moddess began. "We have gathered here today to witness the demanded union between Beatles and Zion."

"Wait, wait, wait!" Beatles pleaded. "If Bubbles isn't here, then I am toast!"

"You should have told me when the wedding was happening then," Moddess said. "I can be here all day you know, and Bubbles is on Canadian time. She'll come in like, 5 hours or whatever." She flipped the page of the Review Love Tome to prepare for the service.

Karas slipped into her tawdry maid of honor gown and fiddled with Beatles' hair. Slowly but surely the seats were beginning to fill. The guests of the bride gave her smiles of encouragement to which she could only respond with a nervous grimace. "I think I'm gonna be sick…"

"Oh!" Karas ran off to get a brown paper bag, determined to prove what a great maid of honor she was. It was only fitting that she slipped on one of the steps and tore the hem of her dress.

Frac shook her head and searched more diligently through the Tome. "I really should have marked the page for marriage ceremonies…" Finally she went to the index, looking under the heading "Punishments and Other Acts of Torture."

"Erm, since there seems to be a delay anyway…" Zion grabbed his coat and ran out the OT door before anyone could ask where he was going and why. The door slammed behind him.

"Okay, so the groom ditched," Frac said. She closed the Tome (making sure to mark the page) and sat down with her book. "I can still marry you two though. If he lingers more than twenty minutes, we do it without him."

Beatles gave sigh of relief. With the extra time maybe she could calm her nerves. "Thank you, Moddess!"

"Yeah, whatever. Just you don't disappear either, otherwise you too will miss your marriage." She put her feet up on a cushion and started reading.

***

Meanwhile, in the suburbs of Real-Lifopolis, Bubbles was waking up with a terrible migraine. The radiant sunshine was particularly painful and she clamored to pull the blinds closed. Rubbing the sleep out of her eyes, she shuffled to the cramped washroom and stared into the mirror. Bubbles looked horrible. Her hair was disheveled and there was the faint imprint of a jovial captain with his leg raised on her cheek. The smell of sweat and stale alcohol brought the memories of last night's events rushing back. As she peeled off the borrowed clothing, Bubbles wondered if she really wanted a shower. Maybe she could just crawl back into bed and rot. Then again, she couldn't miss RG's first ever consensual wedding. Bubbles sighed and let the warm water wash away her woes.

***

The OT doors burst open.

"I'm here! I'm here!" Zion doubled over and tried to catch his breath.

"Congratulations. Just in time for your own wedding," Frac said.

"Honey, I know you're excited," Karas said as Zion panted. "But now really isn't the time."

Beatles began to smile at the playful interaction but then grew suspicious of Karas' intentions. "I don't know whether to laugh or to hit you right now!"

Karas' jaw dropped. "No no, that's not what I meant! I had nothing to do with his panting! I'm just giving advice on your behalf… because I'm such a great maid of honor!" Though reassured, Beatles made a mental note to keep a close eye on her friend.

"Come on, people, I don't have all day," Moddess said. "Let's get this thing over with."

A few more guests filed in and took their seats. They were much too late to exchange proper greetings so they contented themselves with waves and smiles and, in the case of Radio and Sesshy, the Speech. With everyone in place, Moddess opened the Tome and started to conduct the ceremony.

"Please," Beatles said in a small voice. "Can we not wait for Bubbles?"

Frac rolled her eyes at the pointless interruption. "Bubbles knows you two are European, that I am European and, let's face it, us three are the most important people." In a moment of fleeting empathy, Frac brought in an amorphous, gender neutral and racially ambiguous plastic doll and propped it up in a chair. "There. Pretend this is Bubbles. When she iBackreads, it will be as if she was with us." Everyone nodded and agreed that it was an adequate substitute.

"Good," Moddess said. "Now let's try this again. Dearly beloved, we have gathered here today to witness the demanded union between Beatles and Zion."

Beatles giggled into her bouquet, earning herself a glare from Frac. At Frac's cue, the music began to play and Beatles began her slow walk down the OT aisle. Karas followed closely behind the bride, proud of her incredible ability to put one foot in front of the other.

Zion was sweating bullets at the altar. His bride was making him weak in the knees but he could hardly stop the ceremony to ask for a glass of water or perhaps a cold shower. So he stood there shuffling anxiously and wishing she would walk faster.

Frac echoed his thoughts. "Yeah, I'm gonna assume you've gotten here already." Beatles sprinted the last few feet as Frac continued. "Beatles and Zion. Zion and Beatles. In the name of Reggy - HAIL! - do you, Zion, promise to love, cherish, and review Beatles until Frac do you part?"

Never had two words carried so much weight. And never had Zion been so eager to say them. "I do."

"Beatles, in the name of sexy hot god bod Reggy - HAIL! - do you promise to take Zion and to respect, love and review him until Frac do you part?"

The OT doors creaked open and a bleary-eyed Bubbles tiptoed to an empty seat in the back. She had arrived just in time to hear Beatles' reply to that fateful question.

"I do."

"Then in the name of Reggy, and the power bestowed to me by him, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may pounce on each other in the closet. Oh, and Zion, you may kiss the bride."

***

As per tradition the reception took place in Celebrate. The gauche nightclub was now a breathtaking reception hall. Cream-colored cloth was spread over each table, the edges embroidered with small pink rose-buds. The place cards were a fresh kelly green with gold embossed lettering. Celebrate! they said, the B and Z Wedding!

The head table was a sight to behold. It was decorated in the same color palette: ivory, gold, pink and green. The same cream cloth was draped over this table but it was enlivened by silk charmeuse panels. The embroidered edges were far more elegant and told the fantastic story of a handsome hunter pursuing the fair princess of the wood.

Balloons brushed against the ceiling and crepe paper streamers scalloped the walls and doorways. The entire scene was like a fairytale.

The wedding guests were talking amongst themselves. They had come to the consensus that this was the best RG wedding ever. Beatles had already flung the bouquet and Dolly had already clawed and kicked her way into catching it. Everyone who was anyone was smiling from ear to ear and waiting for the cake. Which, of course, Karas forgot to bring.

"Karas, where be my big-arse cake?" Beatles whined.

"Was that my job too?"

The bride's jaw dropped in horror.

"I'm sorry! I have to write the speech!" The crowd was dissatisfied with that answer.

Luckily Sesshy was ready. "I gotta go. But here." He handed the couple a multi-tiered cake as a goodbye. "Happy after-marriage and honeymoon and all that." And then Sesshy was gone, with only a CRACK in the air to indicate he was ever there.

"Thank you, Sesshy!" Beatles placed the cake on the table.

"Now we can start the party!" Zion was prepared with his own musical collection.

The partygoers came, one by one, to present their gifts to the newlyweds. Dolly was up first and after a few hesitant glances, a consultation with their lawyer, and a renewal of their life insurance policy, the couple opened it.

"It's a wonderful... stopwatch?" Mr. and Mrs. Bowler Hat backed away from the ticking object.

"It's just a nice stopwatch..." Dolly's bottom lip quivered and she slinked away feeling very untrusted. "You blow up one measly little building and then the whole world is against you..."

"Mine, next!" Karas hustled to the front of the line and presented her gift. "But don't open it yet! It's a surprise!" Karas giggled. "It's half a can of whipped cream!" She grinned at the practicality of her gift.

"Half a can?" Zion asked.

Karas nodded. "I could give you the rest but..."

"No!" Beatles said. "That's okay. We'll make do with what we have."

Karas beamed. "Try it with strawberries! It's very yummy with strawberries."

When Bubbles' turn came, she wanted to hurry away. She was so happy for them but right now it was all too joyous. "Um, I… well, I - Here you go." She presented them with a small box. "It's the newest 16 gig mp3 thingy... with his and hers headphones... so you can share your music or whatever... engraved with B+Z = Rawr on the back... you likey?"

They must have liked it for Bubbles soon found herself in the middle of a group hug. But she couldn't focus. Her mind wandered from one thing to another, always returning to the mysterious man who kept staring at her. He wasn't from the Manor. She would have known. There was no way so handsome a man would have escaped her attention. Bubbles shook off her insatiable desire. "I never learn, do I? It hasn't even been 24 hours…" She found a comfortable stool at the bar and from this perch watched the reception in seclusion.

Frac pounded on the table. "Speech, speech, speech!" she chanted.

"Alright, alright!" Karas came to the microphone and tapped it a few times. She took out a paper towel with scribbles on it and cleared her throat.

"My dear Beatles, and loverly Zion. I cannot articulate just how happy I am that your love has been acknowledged in this amazing Reggy-blessed marriage! I wish you much love, happiness, health, kinky sex, and music discussions for the -" She turned the paper towel over to find her place. "Future.

"Speaking of, methinks your love was predetermined. It was meant to be. Fate –otherwise known as Frac– dictates it. But that just makes it all the more beautiful! I mean it can't be coincidence that you both love hats, Doctor Who, music, movies, romance... and let's not forget about the whipped cream." A titter rippled through the crowd.

Karas raised her champagne glass. "I propose a toast! To Mr. and Mrs. Beatles-Zion! May your love last forever and ever amen! Carry on with your twisted Twilight romance until you're both old and wrinkly." She gave a nod and was the first to drain her glass. The rest of the guests followed suit and gave the happy couple a round of applause.

"Well," Bubbles said, trying to suppress any bitterness that remained, "I guess you aren't a completely fail maid of honor."

"Oh, Bubbles!" Karas joined her at the bar and ordered a Screwdriver. "I wanted to apologise about last night, Bubububububbles –"

Bubbles cringed. "Let's just try to forget about last night –"

"Nononononono! I have to apologise! It was a v inappropriate thing for me to do –"

"No really, it's alright –"

"It is not alright! We are friends, Bubbles. I could at least have invited you to join us –"

"Karas, please! Just stop." Bubbles sighed. "I - You're forgiven."

"Are you sure?" Karas asked after taking a sip of her drink. Bubbles nodded and did her best to put on a smile. "Okay then!" the now visibly tipsy maid of honor said. "Enjoy the party!"

A/N -Wow that update took forever and a half, eh? Shout out to Radio for being a super awesome sexy mamacita beta. One more chap left! I have work and driving school and a whole mess of other things going on but so help me Reggy I'll have it up before the month ends! HAIL!