I have always hated the smell and feel of a yellow school bus. In my school, they refer to it as the cheese bus. I found that joke a bit corny but it kind of did go because it smelled and it felt weird. Now, I don't ride the cheese bus every day for school or whatever, I can walk. But every other summer, I go to Camp Harrington. I know it sounds like a complete pain in the ass but it is actually not.
I've been coming here ever since I was a little kid. I started out as a camper and now I'm a counselor and the camp's music director. I'm a musician. I play guitar, piano, bass guitar and drums. I've always had a passionate love for music. My dad did as well but he and I grew out of touch for years. Yes, I still live with my parents. I mean, I'm only 16. But I've not been so close with my parents anymore. Guess I'm not lucky like some of those kids who have parents who understand why you're out until the wee hours of night hanging out with your friends, you know?
This summer, my friends were all going to go backpacking in Europe. I'd have joined, but 1) I had no money saved up 2) I had a shitty year 3) nothing makes me feel better like Camp Harrington does. This year was worse than all the others and I will tell you why.
My school is divided into cliques. As cliché and stupid as that sounds, I come from a small town in Oklahoma and we are all white trash who think we are cool and so hardcore. None of us have been out of this state and we all grew up together. The cliques were also divided into popularity levels. The jocks, cheerleaders, etc were all on top. My friends and I who are in band and play music in garages were towards the bottom. It was like a caste system in school. God forbid, I accidently brush my arm against a cheerleader that they have to burn to death afterwards. And, I never really cared for all of this because those popular people were never my friends. I came to school for my friends and stuck with my group. That is until last December.
Christmas was a pretty happy season for me. But not so much this year. December 12th, after school I was walking to my locker after detention. Mr. Delmar wrote me up for talking during class and not handing in my assignment. I won't go into much detail but Mr. Delmar is a little pussy who can't take a student telling him that she had better things to do than do his dumb assignment. I took the detention with no sign of weakness and served it.
It was on the way to my locker that I really got mad because some big old guy practically knocked me off my feet. "What the fuck," I cried as I flew halfway across the hall. His hand grabbed my arm to keep me from falling and I looked up at his face.
Usually, I'm into guys with mystery and a dark edge. This guy was anything but that but I couldn't help but feel these knots in my stomach forming so tight I couldn't breathe. He was at least half a foot taller than me. His hair was brown and curly but not ugly type. His hair was actually luscious. His eyes were the darkest blue I've ever seen on eyes. And his lips were perfectly shaped and light pink. Why have I never seen him before? He must be new. But why have I never noticed him before?
"Oh god, I am so sorry," he said letting me go and softly touching my shoulders. I think he's a jock though. So why wasn't he like setting himself on fire for touching me? Why was he actually talking to me and that too apologizing?
"It's okay," I finally replied. "I wasn't looking." And then without saying or doing anything else, he took off. Well then. I turned around and went towards my locker as if I didn't give a fuck either. I opened my locker and started to take out the books I needed for homework. I didn't want to take a lot because I hated carrying a load home. My mind was swimming with that guy and everything about him. I wonder if he's still in this hall. Fuck, ok. I'm going to look.
I slowly peeked out behind my locker just to have my mouth and heart drop. That uber gorgeous guy was making out with Mrs. Gorgeous 10 feet away. I quickly looked back in my locker and actually laughed. Why am I not surprised?
It's better off this way. This is so unlike me. Usually when I fall for a guy, it's because he is musically inclined. This guy seemed to only know how to lift weights and make out with sluts. I peeked out again to look at her. She had dirty blonde hair which was curled. Her body was so tiny it could be considered anorexic. Her face seemed to be dipped in tan lotion and her lipstick was bright neon pink.
Bro, if he's into that then he will never be into me. I am the exact opposite. I have dark, jet black hair. I naturally have brown hair but I think black suits me more. My skin is pretty pale and I have tried to naturally tan before by going to the beach but it doesn't suit me nor does it really work out. My make up consists of some eyeliner and maybe lipgloss if my lips are chapped. This was just a slip up for me because I have better standards anyway. I'm not considering myself lower than them. We are after all, all people equal in every way.
I went home that day and tried to pretend that I didn't feel any attraction towards him. I found my friend Roxanne, but we call her Roxy, waiting for me at home. She and I grabbed a stash of weed and climbed out my window and up to my roof where we settled down to smoke. I'm not a pothead or anything but after detention and seeing that guy and not being to take him off my mind, I needed some.
"What's up with you?" asked Roxy.
"Nothing, just thinking," I answered. I took a long swig and blew the smoke out. I felt the buzz forming in my body.
"About what?" she asked.
"I bumped into this guy today and he was kind of cute. Except he's a jock…"
"You're into a jock?"
"I didn't say I was into him. I said he was kind of cute. Whatever though," I said finishing my roll. I blew the smoke away from my face and stood up. I saw my neighbor, Mr. Porter standing across the street staring at me. He told my parents a few times about me smoking. This fucker, I thought to myself. I pointed the finger at him and he turned around and walked back inside his house.
Later on that night, I scoped him out on Facebook. His name is Ryan Harper. Ryan…has a nice ring to it. I mean it's all smooth and cute and he's so unbelievably good looking. I'm most definitely screwed. As I snooped around a little, I found that he moved to our town about five years ago. Funny how engulfed in my own life I am that I don't notice people who join our school.
I found myself looking out for him all over school. He's always happy and into everything that's going on around him. As if he's got control over the world he lives in something so many people struggle with. And it wasn't even like I was looking for him like a creep, he was literally everywhere. I saw him in the halls, team practices (he's in like every team), etc. This one time, I was standing outside of school, smoking a cigarette (again, not an addict) and he was running track. I looked up to see him looking right at me and I didn't know what to do so I just puffed smoke. He gave me a smirk and kept running. I didn't stick around to see if he'd run another lap.
Winter break started and Christmas and New Years went by. I had fun. My family wasn't a complete bore. I have a little brother who goes to third grade. He isn't very fond of my music but he told me he likes me so I guess I'm doing this older sibling thing somewhat right. I thought I'd get over Ryan but it was so hard. I couldn't wait to go back to school and just see him. I haven't even talked to him and I'm practically lusting. Once I got back, I found myself falling for him harder. I would blush if he walked by or if he brushed my arm while walking by. My heart would pound if he looked my way. He makes this adorable face when he's looking down at someone who is shorter than him. But all these feelings gets fuzzy whenever I see his bitch by his side. I didn't bother to look her up or give her any time. How much you want to bet he could do better?
I decided that I needed to tell someone. A girl can't keep her feelings bottled up forever and she needs a best friend. My best friend is Haylie. It was hard with all of our friends singing and making music by clapping and stuff that I had to drag her inside to the cafeteria one day after school. I pulled her arm all the way to the vending machines and stopped.
"What happened?" she asked.
"I have to tell you something," I replied.
"Okay. There is no easy way to say this," I said. My mind was cluttered and I didn't' know how to tell her. This was embarrassing.
"What the fuck?" she yelled.
"I have a crush on Ryan Harper!" I yelled. I have never said that out loud or admitted. And I felt the need to like yell it because all this time it was in my head and my heart and I just needed to release it.
Suddenly, I heard hooting and howling behind me. I didn't think about where I was taking Haylie, I just dragged her somewhere because I was in such a rush to tell her. I dropped my biggest secret right next to the boys locker room where Ryan and his friends had just been. They were oh so lucky to have come out exactly when I decided to scream my feelings out.
I felt the blood rush to my face as I watched the guys patting Ryan's back and giving him high fives. He was standing there, smiling at me in this cocky sort of way. "Holy crap," Haylie said close behind me. "That was not a smart move." Wow Haylie, thanks for pointing to the obvious.
Just then Ryan's bitch walked over in her cheerleading outfit with her friends behind her. "Hi!" she squealed seeing him. She hopped and wrapped herself around him and kissed his mouth.
"OHHHHHHHHHHH BURN!" yelled Ryan's friends and teammates all looking at me. What the fuck? How could I just…how did I even let that happen? I walked away from there and went to my locker. Haylie must have realized I'd rather be alone right now and went back to our friends. Probably to tell them what an idiot I am. Which is true because what the fuck was I actually thinking? Ryan Harper? And me? Why did I bother with all this when I knew it was never going to happen? Hello tragic mystery of high school.
I avoided Ryan for the next few days. I'd see his lame friends who'd grin and point at me to the person they were with. Wow, could you be any more obvious? I can see you, dip shit. Once after school, I went to the vending machine to get a soda and Ryan was standing there in his baseball uniform, looking hot as fuck. I had to go there because if I turned around they'd laugh. I smoothly walked over and put my money and clicked on the button for a Pepsi. I heard muffled laughter around and I felt myself turning red but I tried my hardest to not care.
I took my soda and turned to see Ryan standing right beside me, smiling down at me and doing that face I grew to love.
"So, you dig me huh?" he asked.
"Excuse me?" I asked.
"Come on, you totally told your friend the other day you had a crush on me. And I'm sorry but you're not my type."
All of his friends started laughing and I narrowed y eyes at him. I didn't feel embarrassed anymore. I felt angry. But I felt sad at the same time because I spent all this time fantasizing over some guy who is a complete fuck face. His bitch walked over and wrapped her arms around him, giving me a once over. She was disgusted at what she saw and I raised my eyebrow at her. I wasn't worth that. I was ten times a better person than she ever will be. I sloshed and shook my soda and smiled at them.
"You're right, Ryan. I did like you. I liked you until I found out you went out with brainless slutty bitches who think they are better than everyone when in reality no one gives a fuck about them." I shook my soda once more and opened the can to spray them with it. The two of them were soaked once I was done. I shrugged as they looked at me, clearly pissed off. I walked off and felt insanely good about myself. I did good.
The year passed by and I had sort of gotten over him partly because I avoided him at all costs and also because he's a heartless noob. There was no reason for him to talk to me and make the matter worse, you know? He seemed to have forgotten it too because I wasn't harassed by any of them after that. But every time we passed by each other in the halls I would still feel my heard pounding and my palms sweating. And he'd sometimes glance at me and that would just make me melt...