Chapter Five: The Wizard's Oath
With a nod from Frac, Maya pointed to the organ behind the altar and the bridal march began. Two arms looped around Radio's elbows, tugging her forward as Sesshy was nudged on beside her. The bridesmaids and the best man guided the unwilling couple to the altar where Frac stood in wait, satisfied the way a demonic child watches an ant squirm beneath a magnifying glass on a particularly bright summer day.
"Hey, Radio," Sesshy whispered. "Have a schizophrenic ex that could barge in and shoot everybody?"
"I sure wish I did right about now." She cringed as Karas' and Bubbles' grips tightened, inhibiting circulation enough to feel a slight pulse just beneath her skin. They used their free arms to dab their spectacularly decorated eyes with handkerchiefs. Radio had to wonder when they found the time to doll themselves up. Then she remembered where they were.
"Groom, the ring!" Frac nodded at Sesshy. He was reluctant to move despite realizing that his pocket wasn't empty as it had been just minutes earlier. The pressure of a small box felt like the weight of a boulder.
"If the groom doesn't want to do it," Ace said, popping her eyebrows, "we can use force if necessary."
"I'm getting it. Sheesh!" He reached into his pocket and tugged the box out, hitting Ace and Maya with the back of his clenched hand as his arm flung wide. He feigned surprise. "Oops. My bad. Hope I didn't ruin the day." Ace and Maya rubbed their noses and cheeks with put off frowns, but one look at Frac with her hands on her hips made them grin again knowing no matter what, Sesshy was stuck.
"Sesshy!" Frac began her mighty declaration with the RG Bible spread in her palms. "Do you take Radio as your lawful wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish until Frac do you part?"
"Until Frac do us part?" Sesshy asked, disconcerted. That didn't sound any better than saying, 'til death do us part.'
"Of course," she said. "Frac weds and Frac divorces. It's the power of the Moddess, now say yes and give Radio the damn ring!" Sesshy didn't move to comply. Instead, he and Radio shared uneasy glances; the only thing they actually shared. Bubbles scooted over and kicked Sesshy in the shin under the cover of fanning her eyes.
"its all os beautifull! I shudve worn my watrprof mascaar! now b good my lil peace pipe and giv ma mamacita sista teh ring. its chrismas and this place is vegas based. the wedding was inevitable nd te pair is perfcet!" Her eyes betrayed her and a black tear track ran down her cheek.
A thought crawled through Radio's mind, distracting her from the ceremony that Sesshy was sabotaging with his immature acts—she would condone them for just that day. Vegas based? It was true. That OT was themed "What Happens In Vegas!" which meant...!
Radio gasped and looked at Sesshy. He was making a proposition about how if their arms were amputated or their mouths sewn shut than the wedding couldn't continue. Bubbles and Ace were whole-heartedly prepared to guide the forced couple through the wedding if they decided to pull any nonsense.
"I will amputate both of you permanently if you do not stop sabotaging this marriage!" Frac pounded a fist against the altar and cleared her throat. "So, the RING, Sesshy."
Slow to action to begin with, Sesshy was further halted when Radio held her left hand out to him.
"Gimme the ring, Sesshy."
Silence fell over the OT. All eyes turned to Radio, widened in surprise. No one's shock was as bare as the forced groom's.
"Give. Me. The. Ring." She caught his glance and stared hard, hoping he would understand that there was a plan in motion. If she winked or something else so obvious, it would give her away in an instant. She wiggled her ring finger with a smile no one would think twice about when on Radio's face of all the OTers. Sesshy raised an eyebrow, but slipped the wedding band onto Radio's finger. Throughout the crowd were whispers of how they were finally accepting their fate and how well Radio was taking it now and how Sesshy should be like that instead of nearly breaking the noses of everyone around him.
"You better know what you're doing, Radio," Shesshy mumbled.
"Duh. I'm getting forcibly married." She grinned and turned back to the Moddess with a prepared look. Bring it on, she thought. The others may have been fooled, but not much got past Frac. She smirked a little, but continued the ceremony.
"Now, Radio, do you take Sesshy as your lawful husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish until—"
The doors to the OT Vegas chapel burst open and the sound rebounded through the hall. A younger resident ran in. Now all eyes turned towards the back of the room to the high spirited thirteen year old.
"I got a Wii for Christmas!" Sakura danced up the aisle, squealing and spinning.
"SAKURA!" the RGers yelled.
"There's a wedding in place!"
"Quick! Grab the Bill doll!"
"QUIET!" Frac demanded again. "Sakura shut up, or I will ban Bill Kaulitz from RG! We are having a wedding ceremony. Please be quietly seated." Sakura nodded, wide-eyed, and slipped into an empty seat. An RGer tossed a Bill doll to her and she snuggled it close. Frac looked back at the bride to be. "Where was I? Oh yeah. Until Frac do you part?"
Radio sighed and said, "Sure. I guess." Bubbles and Karas forced the ring into her palm and put her hand through the hurried motions of sliding the ring on Sesshy's hand. "Thanks guys. Cos it's not like I could do it myself." She rolled her eyes.
"By the power invested in me by the holy, omnipotent, omnipresent, forever sexy, wise, wonderful, caring yet strict, hot bod god, Reggy, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss."
"No!" Radio's and Sesshy's response was instant and firm. Sesshy palmed the lens of Ace's camera as she leaned in for a perfect angle of said kiss.
"All right. All right. I said 'may' for a reason. To Celebrate, everyone! It's party time!"
A wave of RGers clambered out of the OT chapel to Celebrate. Radio and Sesshy watched them all run to the party room, throwing confetti and shouting excited comments about the new couple, but one stayed behind.
"So what's this little plan you think you've come up with, huh?" Frac asked as she came from around the podium.
"Sorry, Frac," Radio said in a none too apologetic tone. "That's confidential between the bride and her forced husband."
"Isn't it supposed to happen soon?"
"Who knows? Not you, Madam Moddess of forced marriages. Guess you'll have to wonder."
"Pfft! Guess I don't care, maker of fake plans. Considering you two are such bad seeds, I wouldn't be surprised if you planned mutiny."
"Fake? Says you. And it's not mutiny either. It's just a clever plan you didn't think of. Come on, Sesshy. We ought to go milk our party for all it's worth. Let's go mooch the food."
"Sounds good to me." They left the chapel, following the others to Celebrate. Frac shook her head with smirk.
"They got nothing."
The party continued in Celebrate. When Sesshy and Radio arrived, still completely underdressed for the occasion, there was applause for the forcibly wed couple and champagne bottles were uncorked with resounding pops. Radio could smile about one thing for certain. Nickelback songs rang out in Celebrate and she loved Nickelback. For a brief moment, she could believe Ygger hadn't seeped into the souls of her former good friends.
Somehow Frac had beaten them to the room and raised a glass, tapping it for attention.
"You two can sit in your special seats." She indicated to two tall, frilly chairs at a table in front of the room. Knowing they were unlikely to sit there themselves, RGers dragged them there and sat them down. "I hope the two get over their resentments to us. It was all done in love! To nerd love!"
"To nerd love!" came the reply and everyone but the couple drank.
"Now that the Christmas couple is here, it's time for speeches! Who's first?"
"teh best man is fisrt," Bubbles said. "i gota compse myself." She continued dabbing her eyes and wiping away the mascara that had run.
Maya sputtered on his drink as Bubbles pushed him from his seat. He stood in front of the wedded couple and cleared his throat.
"I have known Sesshy as long as any of us, and although I can't say the same about Radio, I can see that they are a match made in the heaven that exists somewhere in Frac's mind. To eventually falling in love and having a happy marriage!!" He raised his glass and everyone cheered and took another drink.
"I'm gonna feed him to a mutated koala," Sesshy muttered. Radio could hardly stifle her laughter.
"I get the feeling you're violent and cranky."
"Hell yeah, I am right now! You're not?"
"Well, I'm not violent." She winked, but then frowned at her filled champagne glass with a small sigh. The crushing truth of the events of the day seemed to wash over her now that the ceremony was complete as if everything she experienced earlier was just a dream. Or a nightmare. "I can't believe this," she said mostly to herself. "I had a list. A list!"
"okay, my turn!" Bubbles leaped up and ran to the front. "a great person once said: psh! whoever gets Radio is lucky!" that great person was me. and i was right. I remember my lil peace pipe since he first came to RG and resist the social hierarchy. i remember gently breaking his spirits as one break in a new shoe. and i remember him bickering, FIERCLY, with my sexy mamacita sister. but thne something happened. Radio saw goodness where i saw a delinquent. She looked past his rough exterior and uncovered his creativity, his genourosity, and his love of books. When I first saw Sesshy tell Radio that "he was an errant slave" and saw Radio reply "Die shito, wizard cousin!" i knew that no greater love could be found. So. It is with a heavy but joyous heart, that i release Sesshy from my harem and hand over to the bondage of holy matrimony. May Reggy look kindly upon this union. HAIL!!"
"Hail!" the others shouted and applauded. Radio and Sesshy laughed at the broken retelling of how they became wizardly partners, but Radio found herself surprisingly moved by the speech.
Frac walked up front next. "First of all, I dont see why you two oppose this marriage so. You are the closest of het friends! This way you will be together forever!" She ignored their mumbling about not needing marriage to be close friends. "And Radio, you should take comfort that Sesshy will now never be sold as a hoe by his pimp. You saved him from a life of cruelty and abuse!"
"Oh please, she said. "He wouldn't be abused. No one here abuses the hoes. Bubbles would kill whoever did."
"Anyway," Frac continued, ignoring her once again, "RGers! It's Christmas today. A day of giving -- and receiving, if you are lucky. I myself gave more reviews today than I normally do, but that wasn't enough. When I realized: what could possibly be better than the pure love between a husband and wife? I wanted to give a gift that would stick with the person forever! I wanted to give a gift so splendid, everyone would love it. And I realized that that gift could only come through a marriage between Radio and Sesshy.
"As we all know, these two speak in code to each other and engage in hidden meanings and subtext all the time. They called themselves partners long before any of us did. Whenever one was with the other, they were inseparable. They are still inseparable, and such devotion is rarely seen in the intrawebs! Their nerdiness changed RG tradition and their affection was so strong we had to break our usual homo-weddings and enforce het weddings too. Thank you, Radio and Sesshy, for opening our eyes to true love! Tropers FTW, yahys!"
Frac's speech was given a standing ovation. Radio fought hard against the genuine smile, but failed to contain it. She supposed she could ease on her annoyance just a little.
"They're really going all out, aren't they?" she said to Sesshy.
"Whatever," he said. "I'm still stuck on Bubbles and her die shit hoes." They both smothered laughter.
With speeches done, the conspiring RGers cheered, gave final toasts and dispersed to dance and eat and celebrate.
"So don't you have some kind of plan?" Sesshy asked Radio.
"And it is…?"
"Well," she lifted her champagne glass and watched the bubbles float to the surface with a silky smile, "this OT is called What Happens In Vegas, right?"
"So what happens in Vegas…"
Sesshy grinned. "Awesome idea."
"Yeah, I get those occasionally."
They watched the other RGers for a short while in silence as they made merry at the pair's expense.
"You know Moddess won't go for it, right?"
"Yeah, but I can still cherish my clever moment until then. For the time being, we have a grudge to hold. Go make a mess, cranky little boy."
Sesshy smiled and they clinked their glasses together. The partners paused for a moment, staring at the champagne and then at each other, and tossed the fragile cups over their shoulders so that they shattered against the wall. Only they heard the satisfactory crash above the blaring music and the dull roar of chatter. Then Sesshy went off to start a small riot, flinging whiskey at particularly mouthy RGers and a kangaroo that had gotten in. And that was the most normal thing to happen in RG Manor all day.
Radio laughed. "Merry Christmas, RGers. You reap what you sew."
And so the wizards were wed and the hazing continued. However, Radio and Sesshy would soon become immune to the talk of wiz lurve and use their bond to their advantage to nab many virgins, which would cause great annoyance to those who had forced them into marriage. If this was how they had to spend the rest of their days—not for not attempting divorce—then they figured it could definitely be worse. They could live with what they had: a platonic marriage of wizards.