Some days it feels like I'm living in a dream, like one day I'll wake up, & everything will be okay. But I know that's not true. One of these days, I'll be moving along in my little dream world, & everything will change.
One of these days, when I go to wake her up for her tea, she won't wake up. She'll just lay still, eyes staring at the rippled white ceiling, hidden behind creamy milk eyelids.
One day, I'll forget to tell her I love her before falling asleep, & I'll never get another chance. Some days, I wish this was just another story I'm writing, instead of my life. Some days, it doesn't seem like she's all there, like there's something missing. Like her body's here, but her mind is somewhere else. She's never been quite like everyone else, but I love her all the same. I just worry that one day, she'll go off into her happy land, where everything's normal, & she'll never come back.
She'll be happy then, but I won't. No, it's not that I won't be happy. I'll be just like her. My body will be here, but my mind will always be somewhere else. My mind will be in a world of once-upon-a-times, & happily-ever-afters, where I'll still have my faith, my hope in humanity. I'll still have my love for all things fiction, & my wish that my life could be as perfect as one of those movies you see on Lifetime.
Nothing will be the same, once she's gone, once she leaves us with nothing left but each other. We'll sit, stare, hope, & dream, that's it's all a lie. That she'll come back for us, one day.
I love my mother, with her silly dreams of happiness, tranquility. I love her, & all of her little quirks. I love everything about her; I just know that one day, my love isn't going to be enough. Never enough. Not enough to save her from slipping away from me, leaving me here, in a world of unhappiness, where nothing will ever be the same.
I'll never be complete, once that day comes. Once the day comes, when she doesn't wake up, when she disappears into her world of kittens, & butter pecan ice-cream; once that day comes, I'll never be the same.