by Merry Butterfly
(Last Edited April 16, 2009)
Once, in the lonely small town of Skorf, Iowa, a perfectly normal girl named Elizabeth Adeline-Fleur Duck was lying in the grass outside of her one-story home. She was perfectly average- with standard brown hair and ordinary brown eyes and she had a very typical face and it was very, very normal.
And she was also very, very bored. And this was not because the world Elizabeth lived in consisted solely of a small town and a two-story home thus far into the story, but because what Elizabeth hungered for more than anything in the world was true love- a perfect man. Sexy, chivalrous- a hero to sweep her off her feet and out of this dead-end town, into the sunset and perhaps a motel or a deserted beach. She had no other thoughts in her mind, after all, wasn't she a typical teenage girl. She yawned, and her yawn was so ordinary that were this just another ordinary day in Skorf, nobody would have cared.
But today was no ordinary day for silently, like a crouching tiger or a hidden dragon or like a paper doll mounting the untamed stallion of the wind, a handsome boy leapt out from the tree-tops. Elizabeth happened to be looking in the other direction at that moment, but for our purposes let us assume that he had forest-green hair and skin like the finest kitchen countertop brand of marble, complete with blue veins and a shiny finish. His eyes watched our young heroine as he leapt about the treetops: those tormented eyes were of the deepest royal violet since the days of the ancient Phoenicians. His name was Zachariah Collins.
He had watched Elizabeth for the past three days, ever since he had moved to Skorf; an outsider, a loner, a tragic prince with enough fans to overload MySpace. But he didn't care about all that- no, his life was far too tragic, his mind was far too tormented by the sins of his unnaturally long life- 300 years, 7 months, 22 days and 9 hours to be exact. Oh yeah, I think he was a vampire, a drop-dead-gorgeous-lets-get-this-small-talk-over-with-and-talk-commitment-but-I-won't-just-hop-in-bed-with-you-because-I'm-not-that-kind-of-guy vampire.
So, he levitated to her house like a demonic firefly and waited until she was sure that she was all alone. And then he watched her brush her hair, and get undressed (especially the getting undressed part) and then he watched as she crawled into bed and drifted into lonely, ignorant sleep while he was pining away for her like a pile of rotting wood.
All of the sudden, his vampire senses started tingling, and he whirled around like a peeping tom who had been caught red-handed, encountering a boy who looked just like him- except for his autumn-leaf-burnt-sienna hair.
"Yes, Zachariah. It is I:" said the burnt-sienna man. "I, Edgar Collins; your identical twin from whom you were separated at birth." Edgar inhaled. "You, Zachariah Meriwether Collins, have broken the most sacred law in the vampire code of conduct by falling in love with a ditzy human. Do you choose to surrender? Or fight to the death?"
Zachariah hissed. His skin went paler than ever before- a feat only achievable by the most badass of vampires (and Photoshop CS3). "How DARE you insult Elizabeth Adeline-Fleur Duck in front of me!?" he cried, his fangs growing noticeably longer.
Edgar paused. "You even know her middle name?"
"Down to the HYPHEN!" proclaimed Zachariah, as though this were something to be proud of. And so, the fight ensued.
It was like watching a Quentin Tarantino film: the action was fast and fleeting AND at the SAME TIME it had the most incredible slow-motion sequences and close-ups of a slice of hair being pinned helpless against a tree and all these pan and zoom shots and profiles and- sorry, back to the story.
"I'll never let you kill me!" Zachariah cried. "I haven't preserved my virtue for over 300 years to let it end like this! I demand my raunchy sex scene!"
Just then, Edgar kicked him in the stomach and sent him crashing through the window of Elizabeth's room. He lay among the class, disoriented, until Elizabeth's face came into view.
"Oh it's you, Zachariah!" she gasped. "I heard a loud noise and woke up and o hey- you're hurt- and anyway I just had the most AWFUL dream where a mean vampire just kicked you through my window and- and- you're so pale why aren't you bleeding!?"
Zachariah cupped her chin and brought her face close to his. "I'm so sorry I've kept it from you for so long." he whispered sensuously. "Elizabeth, I am a vampire. And the vampire who just sent me crashing through your window is actually…" he shuddered. "My twin brother."
Elizabeth gasped. "NO!" The chorus in the background sang three resounding chords: "DUM DUM DUUUM!"
"Yes. I'm afraid so." Zachariah muttered. "And although you've only known me for about three days and never gotten close enough to talk to me… I love you. Oh, I love you so much that I watch you dress and undress and go to sleep and wake up and text your friends in Canada every single night. And I'M the one who stole your best friend Joseph Pink's bicycle so he couldn't come see you anymore- because I loved you so much. Oh I was a fool, Elizabeth!"
"Oh Zachy!" Elizabeth cried. "We are all fools in love! Wait, that was you-"
"But we can't be together." he added.
"Oh, I don't care!" Elizabeth wailed. "I will follow you to the end of the earth, in sickness and in health, till death do us-"
"He's already dead." Edgar called helpfully through the broken window, regretting that he had not ripped out both their vocal chords in time.
"Look away from me, Elizabeth!" Zachariah cried out in anguish. "Look not upon the face of a potential murderer! Oh, with one hand I could rip out your heart and with the other-"
"REMEMBER THE MATURITY RATING, PEOPLE!" Edgar hollered through the broken window.
"-and with the other I would place a diamond ring upon your finger. But I cannot." Zachariah bowed his glowing head as the cloud of angst settled in.
"No! I'm nothing without you!" Elizabeth sobbed, throwing herself into his cold, bioluminescent chest and listening for the nonexistent sound of a dead heart. "I love you! Make me a vampire too- pretty ple-e-ase!"
Zachariah's beautiful Greek-sculpture face contorted with pain and love and chagrin. "No, I cannot bind you to so cruel a fate!"
"Then sleep with me!"
"I can not! We are not yet married! "No, no…" he shook his head sadly. "It is completely and totally against my mora-"
ONE RAUNCHY SEX SCENE LATER…
"For God's sake!" Edgar yelled at the top of his lungs. "Get out here and fight already!"
Zachariah, his hair askew, his clothes considerably less whole than they had been before soared out through the window with renewed vigor. "You will not win!" he proclaimed. "Because I am stronger than ever before- with love for my girlfriend."
"Just fight already!" cried Edgar, who had been looking away the whole time (he was already in a committed relationship with his French boyfriend).
"Let's get it ON!" Zachariah hissed. "Your blood will flow tonight!"
"I have no blood, stupid! I'm a f-ing vampire!"
All of the sudden...
INTERMISSION: Please wait while we rewrite the story from a totally useless person's point of view.
Joseph Pink sighed. The wind felt good on his face and quickly coagulated the blood coming up from the veins of his wrists. He was a shy, dejected, potentially rapist fox demon who was hopelessly in love with Elizabeth Duck. He had confessed to her only the day before, taking care not to mention his 27 sketchbooks filled with drawings of her wearing the Hope Diamond. He was wearing all black, and with chain pants and his hair stank because he had just dyed it purple. He knew that if she did not acknowledge his love, he would move to Tibet and join a monastery for a life of chastity and utter boredom.
"Oh why, Elizabeth!?" he cried to the open window. "WHY DON'T YOU LOOOOOOOVE MEEEEE!?"
"Joseph!" he heard pounding on the floor. "Joseph, shut the f- up! Can't you hear your daddy and me trying to watch ECW!?!?! If you keep blasting your Savage Garden and Evanescence I'll lock you in the basement again!"
"Please don't do it, mommy! There are mean things down there!" Joseph sobbed, his mascara dripping down to his bare chest like a bunch of swirly tattoos.
"JOSEPH, you little-"
"I'm SORRY MAMA!" he wailed. "YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND ME!!!!"
He would never appear in the story again, but this scene was extremely important to understand the complexities of his character development thus far.
AND NOW BACK TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING
All of the sudden… the author ran out of ideas.
"You can do it, Zachy!" yelled Elizabeth unhelpfully for both Zachariah and the poor writer. "Your unborn child and I will wait for you forever and ever because I won't ever go to college or get a job and do something with my life! Oh, by the way, I'm PREGNANT!"
"WHAT!?" he gasped, his face turning from perfect Greek marble to Arizona sandstone in seconds. It had never occurred to him that that could happen (because he was totally moral guy) and although vampires aren't technically supposed to have children, a miraculous defect of the seventeenth and a half XYZ chromosome occurred, conveniently allowing him to reproduce. This kind of thing, I assure you, is very rare.
Opportunistic as ever, Edgar struck. Again, Zachariah found himself lying on the floor of Elizabeth's room- except this time there was a brand-spanking-new vampire-shaped hole in the ceiling. But with Elizabeth waving her cell phone in the air and cheering him on, he felt like he could accomplish anything, and attacked his brother again. And again. And again…
So the battle raged on and on like a bad Dimmu Borgir song, with plenty of flying fists, teeth and roof shingles. Elizabeth shrieked at the appropriate moments, expressing her concern for her boyfriend and never once doing anything useful. And finally, Edgar had his twin brother pinned by the throat, hanging off the edge of the roof, his diamond vampire claws digging into his mirror image's marble skin. All seemed lost for Zachariah, until…
The chorus in the background hit a high note…
The symphony swelled dramatically…
Somewhere in Tokyo a man died of a heart attack…
With his last ounce of strength, Zachy head-butted Edgar in the face. At least, we're pretty sure he did. I mean, they are identical twins, so nobody could really tell for sure.
"I won't give up!" he proclaimed, his limestone muscles rippling heroically in the wind. "I will kill you and bleed you to death and then I'll go to Las Vegas and-"
Edgar face palmed. "How many times do I have to tell you that vampires don't have any bloo-"
"-marry Elizabeth and be the best father ever to our unborn child-"
"You'd better hurry up!" Elizabeth cried out the window. "I didn't really pay attention in health class but I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to feel it nudging me at 17 minutes of gestation!"
"Oh no(es)!" Zachariah dropped to his knees (and yes, in midair). "What have I done!? I forgot to tell you that vampire babies-"
Somewhere aboard the Nostromos, an alien popped out of John Hurt's chest.
"-grow really, really fast!"
Edgar chagrined. "Will the author please refrain from going off on tangents for the love of-!?"
Suddenly, the roof collapsed, burying Elizabeth alive and saving the author from having to answer awkward questions about the plot.
"Elizabeth!" Zachariah shouted. "NOOOOOO!!!!" He ripped apart the wreckage and lifted his normal human lover out, cradling her close. "Oh Elizabeth!" he sobbed. "Don't die! You can't die until we've had at least TWO raunchy sex scenes!"
"The lights…" she whispered through her bloodless lips. "There are… there are… two of them…" she trailed off
"No!" Zachariah cried. "There is only one way: I must turn you into a vampire. I can do it now that we've consummated our illegal marriage."
So without any hesitation whatsoever, Elizabeth offered up her neck. Zachariah bit and so on and so forth, because you've all read too many vampire novels anyway, and everything was suddenly all hunky-dory again, but Elizabeth Adeline-Fleur Duck was now anything BUT ordinary: she had vivid, glossy brown hair and saucy amber eyes and a face to put America's Next Top Model to shame. And she wasn't dying anymore, so that was definitely a plus.
"My love!" the two lovebirds cried in unison and began eating each other's faces on cue.
Disgusted and anti-climactic, Edgar bowed in defeat. He vowed never to hunt his brother again and moved back to France.
Elizabeth's mother returned the next morning to find her daughter, now a vampire, curled up in bed with a stranger. Although originally opposed to her daughter marrying a guy whom she had only met three days ago, Clover Duck was forced to reconcile after emptying three full rounds into Zachariah's chest.
Zachariah and Elizabeth had a shotgun wedding in Vegas, bought a large mansion in Connecticut and another in Barcelona, Spain and lived happily ever after and had twenty-seven children, all due to that incredibly rare business concerning the seventeenth-and-a-half XYZ chromosome.
About The 'Author'
Merry Butterfly, first time author with a degree in Marine Biology, was inspired to write by a prophetic vision she had while bungee-jumping off of a bridge: of a young woman lying innocently in a field and an inhumanly beautiful boy (whom she thought about making a merman, then a Greek God or a Japanese rock star before finally settling on a vampire because of the current literature market) falling out of the sky. Three weeks after being released from the hospital, Merry Butterfly began to write for the first time in her life and completed the first book of her planned 3 5/7 part book series, titled "Two Lights" in just under a week. The series was an immediate hit and has spawned 2.2 million fansites in fifty-four languages since it was published yesterday. The book has sold 1 billion copies- enough to pay a few small countries' war debts. Despite this, the author claims modestly that she has no talent for writing and that each spell-checking session took her an average of six hours- nine if she felt like going through and adding some variety with the 'Thesaurus' option.
And if you really bought all that, please 'x' out of your browser. Right now. All the stuff about this story being famous is obviously a hoax (but I'll put the disclaimer just in case). I do not own Twilight (and neither do the authors of some three thousand other vamprie romance stories of this site). No, I am not making any money off of this crumby (lolz, Catcher in the Rye reference) 2000-word parody. Seriously.